


When Shadows Fall

by Lady_Akuma_Wolf



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Attempted Suicide, Depression, Emotional Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:42:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 57,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Akuma_Wolf/pseuds/Lady_Akuma_Wolf
Summary: He had almost made it to his door when a shout made him freeze.“Where are you going in such a hurry, Hot Topic?”Roman. He didn’t look at all happy.“Sir Sings-A-Lot.” Virgil retorted, his voice lacking any venom as he did his best to hide the oncoming panic attack from the Creative Side. “What do you want?”Roman stomped up the hallway, stopping inches from Virgil’s face, well within the Anxious Side’s personal space. “How did you know?” he hissed. “How did you know it wasn’t Patton?”The other Sides start getting suspicious that Virgil has been working with Deceit all along.Virgil starts wondering what the point of staying is if his family hates him over lies.Or do they, really?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning! Physical Abuse, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred

Virgil sank out Thomas’s apartment as soon as he could, the waves of a panic attack starting to lick at the edges of his mind, sending chills over his skin and shortening his breath into painful wheezes. He stumbled down the hallway leading to his room, falling hard into the wall and barely keeping his feet underneath him.

The Anxious Side had known that there was something off about Patton from almost the start of Thomas’ most recent video – he had attributed it at first to the Moral Side’s being uncomfortable about lying to help Thomas smooth things over with Joan. But as things progressed, it became more and more obvious to him – and apparently to Logan – that it hadn’t really been Patton at all.

He had seen how Roman had looked between him and Logan  - after getting over the shock about Deceit – in shock of them knowing Deceit.

If they ever found out the truth…

Virgil shuddered against the wall before forcing himself to take a few more steps towards the door leading to his room, trying to make himself follow the breathing exercises that he had taught to Thomas a couple of months ago.

_In for four seconds._

_Hold for seven seconds._

_Out for eight seconds._

_Repeat._

It wasn’t working.

He had almost made it to his door when a shout made him freeze.

“Where are you going in such a hurry, Hot Topic?”

Roman. He didn’t look at all happy.

“Sir Sings-A-Lot.” Virgil retorted, his voice lacking any venom as he did his best to hide the oncoming panic attack from the Creative Side. “What do you want?”

Roman stomped up the hallway, stopping inches from Virgil’s face, well within the Anxious Side’s personal space. “How did you know?” he hissed. “How did you know it wasn’t Patton?”

Virgil tried to take a step back, to give himself a little space, but his back hit the wall. Instead, he crossed his arms over his chest. “Did you ask Logan this as well?”

“I can understand Calculator Watch figuring it out, he _is_ the Logical Side. _You_ , on the other hand, seemed rather _familiar_ with that creepy Dark Side.” Roman studied him, his usual dramatics nowhere to be seen. “How. Did. You. Know?!”

“I’m the Anxious Side; I see the negative, I see all the things that can go wrong, even if they make no sense. Not to mention I’m paranoid about everything, remember?”

Roman didn’t appear to be buying it. “I know what you are.”

Virgil pushed himself off of the wall and tried to step around Roman. “Glad we had this talk then. Excuse me.”

Roman grabbed Virgil by his sweatshirt and roughly shoved him back into the wall, hard enough his head left a dent in the plaster. “Where the _Hell_ do you think you’re going?!”

“Um, my _room?!_ ”

“You’re not going _anywhere_ until you come clean!”

“Stop being so dramatic, there’s nothing for me to come clean about!” Virgil spat. “I was suspicious, I saw there were a few things off, same as Logan. Not my fault you’re too self-absorbed to notice.”

_Wham._

Roman’s fist collided with Virgil’s face, sending the other Side to his knees. “And yet you didn’t utter a _word_ until Logan started noticing.” The Creative Side growled. “You didn’t want to be _suspicious_ , did you?”

All Virgil could do was stare up at the other Side, a line of blood running down his pale skin from his split lip. If he had felt panicked before, it was nothing to how he felt now as panic – no, _fear_ – tightened around his chest. Even at his angriest, Roman had never struck him, _any_ of them; given, Virgil had never seen the other Side this angry before. “What are you talking about?!”

Roman grabbed him and dragged him to his feet, slamming him into the wall again. “You know Deceit, don’t you?” he hissed. “From before you started showing up with us. What, is this some plot? You get sent up ahead of him, worm your way amongst us, gain our trust? Weren’t you!?”

Shocked, it took a moment for Virgil to be able to reply. “What?! No! I _hate_ that guy!”

Roman smirked. “So you admit it; you know him. Figures. _Dark Sides_ have to stick together, don’t they?” He struck Virgil again, sending the other Side to the floor. “If you think I’m going to just stand back and let you and your disgusting friend hurt the others, hurt Thomas, you’re wrong!”

The Creative Side kicked him once, twice, three times in the stomach and side. “I recommend you reconsider your priorities, and stay away from us!”

He stalked away down the hall, slamming his own bedroom door shut loudly behind him.

Patton would know the Creative Side’s suspicions soon if he didn’t already; ever since the Creative and Moral Sides had started a relationship, it wasn’t long before one told the other something.

Virgil couldn’t even bring himself to stand. Instead, he forced himself to crawl the remaining feet to his door on his hand and knees, the other hand and arm wrapped around his middle, tears of fear, shame, and pain threatening to tumble down his cheeks.

He didn’t want to still be out here should Roman decide to come back out. Or worse, end up having to face Patton or Logan when they came back into the mindscape.

Finally, _finally,_ he made it into his room, got the door open and got himself inside, locking it behind him. Then, and only then, in the safety of his sound-proofed room – the Anxious Side had done some modifications after his nightmares started coming more frequently and more violent – Virgil allowed himself to cry. Big, shaking sobs that sent bolts of pain through his bruised chest as he tried and failed to gasp in huge gulps of air, and failed. His hands were fisted painfully in his hair, knees drawn up to his chest and forehead resting on them.

_What the Hell had just happened?!_

**You just lost the trust of someone you considered a friend, you useless piece of shit. What else did you expect would happen, sooner or later, with or without Deceit’s arrival? It was only a matter of time. No one truly wants you around, let alone to be friends with you. Who in their right mind would?**

“I – I thought we were friends. At least k-kinda…”

**You useless dummy. The _only_ reason the put up with you is because they _need_ you to help take care of Thomas. _Nothing_ else!**

“No,” Virgil murmured, his voice cracking. “I – I don’t believe that. Roman, Patton, and Logan…”

**You just saw of Roman reacted. How do you think Logan, the Side who is _Logic_ , will react? Roman was right, it makes perfect sense, regardless of whether it is true or not. Your words will appear to be nothing but self-preservation lies.**

Virgil shuddered; the Voice was right. “P-Patton…”

**Patton will see it as a betrayal to his precious _family_. You know he will. A family which you are _not_ a part of, by the way.**

“I’m not going to betray them. I never was!” the Anxious side whispered.

 **That won’t matter to them. You never ceased being anything but the antagonist, the bad guy, the one who needs to be vanquished.** **They hated you before – how do think they feel now?**

The breathing exercises weren’t helping. Forcing himself to his feet, Virgil clumsily got to his feet and stumbled to the attached bathroom. Flickering the dimmed light on overhead, Virgil leaned against the sink, holding himself up so he could look at his reflection.

A bruise was blossoming on his cheek and jaw, overset with drying blood from the split lip. His makeup was in ruins from his tears.

**Freak.**

**Useless.**

**Unwanted.**

**Unloved.**

**Worthless.**

Stiffly, slowly, Virgil unzipped his patched sweatshirt and took it off, tossing it back into his darkened bedroom. Lifting up his black t-shirt, he winced, poking at the darkened splotches of growing bruises.

**You deserve so much worse.**

**It’s all your fault that no one loves you.**

**No one wants you.**

**They hate you.**

Finally, he looked at what he had been avoiding.

His scars.

He had lost count of them a long time ago, scattered from his wrists to his shoulders, old and new, white, pink, and red, like some macabre valentine – and that wasn’t counting the ones on his legs and chest.

**Pathetic.**

**Drama Queen.**

**Loser.**

Hands shaking, Virgil opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the floss, his hands fumbling as he opened it out, the fresh blade hidden within falling into his waiting hand.

**Unwanted.**

Virgil had the remaining sense to wave his hand, sending the heavy wooden dresser against the door to keep anyone from breaking it down before closing the bathroom door, sliding down the fake wood.

**Like they would bother to check on you. Fool. If it weren’t for the fact Thomas needed you, they’d want you dead. Hell, they _do_ , it’s just Thomas needs you, and Thomas is the only thing that’s important.**

**Cut away, you worthless piece of garbage.**

Roman?

The Voice was sounding more and more like the other Sides.

That was what broke him.

Virgil had long ago found out it caused a lot sharper pain to slice through newly healed skin, the nerves and vessels newly formed and sensitive. And doing it slowly, as if cutting away layer by layer, working his way deeper into his flesh, was the same.

Tonight, though, he wanted the heavy ache of… everything. And he didn’t have the mental ability to take it slow; the darkness of panic creeping closer.

**I’m disappointed in you. Siding with Deceit? How could you do that to us?**

Patton.

**Go ahead. Cut yourself; try and kill yourself. It’s not like we can actually die, or like we care what happens to you as long as you do your job.**

Logan.

God, Logan…

Blood blossomed and oozed quickly down the Anxious Side’s pale, skinny arms to soak into his black pants and pool on the laminate floor beneath him from the five gashes on his right arm. The blade slipped from his fingers to clatter loudly onto the floor.

Sobbing, Virgil slipped to the side, head leaning against the cabinet, finally letting the darkness of his pain and panic swamp him.

OoOoO

When Virgil came to night had fallen. Shadows were attempting to leak into the bathroom from the small frosted window on the far wall.

He forced himself to sit upright with a wince and a gasp, pain from his bruised rib shooting through the rest of his body to join the pounding of his head. The pain in his arm was nothing but a dull, steady thump. His bloody arm was stuck to his pants with dried blood, which was caked everywhere.

He had cut deeper than he had meant to.

Oh well.

_No one truly cares anyway._

**Nope, they don’t.**

After taking a few minutes to get used to the amount of pain he was in Virgil forced himself over to the sink and lever himself up to his feet. The first thing he did was down a handful of prescription pain relievers, sipping some additional water to help his parched throat.

He’d probably been screaming. The events in the hall had replayed themselves over and over in his mind, although instead of just Roman, Patton and Logan had been there as well.

When he could mostly trust his legs not to give out underneath him, Virgil turned on the shower, as cool as he could stand before stripping and stepping under the spray, his shirt and pants in the tub in front of him, waiting to be cleansed of the blood soaked into them.

The cool water aided some in letting the blood start flowing from the fresh wounds as he cleaned himself up before turning to his clothing.

Finally, the Anxious Side stepped out of the shower, wrapping an overly large black towel around his waist and transferred his bloody arm to the sink, the other arm digging the well-stocked first aid kit out from underneath the sink.

Two of the cuts needed butterfly bandages to hold the sides together – actually, they needed stitches, but Virgil had never been able to get the hang of stitching himself up one-handed, and there was no way he was going to ask any of the other Sides for help.

By the time his newest wounds were bandaged and wrapped, the sky outside was a pale pink. Deciding it would be best to lay low for a while, Virgil dressed and headed for the kitchen to sneak some fruit and granola bars before the other Sides started to stir.

Too bad someone else was already up.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Self-Harm, Self-Hate, encouraging self-harm, references to verbal and physical abuse. Don't read if this will trigger you!

Regular

_Thoughts/flashbacks_

**The Voice**

_Song Lyrics_

 

OoOoO

_By the time his newest wounds were bandaged and wrapped, the sky outside was a pale pink. Deciding it would be best to lay low for a while, Virgil dressed and headed for the kitchen to sneak some fruit and granola bars before the other Sides started to stir._

_Too bad someone else was already up._

OoOoO

Virgil almost turned around and went back to his room, food be damned (wasn’t like this would be the first time he had hidden in his room for days on end without food), and it wasn’t like he truly _needed_ actual food – he could take energy from their host (and thus make Thomas feel exhausted), but Virgil flat out refused to do so, especially given the current circumstances. So he decided he’d rather face the music and get it over with.

“Oh, good morning, Kiddo.” Patton greeted hesitantly, fake smile on his face as he dropped an absurd amount of chocolate chips into what Virgil guessed was pancake batter.

He had been noticed. Slowly he walked into the kitchen, eyes downcast.

The Moral Side frowned at his ‘dark, strange son’, hood up, body bent. “Are you ok, Virge?”

Virgil shrugged one-sided, not want to move his bruised side. “Didn’t sleep well and when I went to take a shower to try and relax so I _could_ sleep I fell when I was getting out of the shower.” He said by way of an explanation, not that it wasn’t a partial truth, he reasoned as he dug out an unopened box of mixed granola bars from the pantry, doing his best to stay out of the other Side’s way as he poured pancake batter into a pan(the fact he could cook but their Host couldn’t was ironic). He was a little confused as to why Patton was showing concern.

Perhaps Roman hadn’t said anything to him?

“Kiddo…” the voice stopped him as he turned to leave.

“What do you want, Patton?”

Patton was frowning at him. “Roman, Logan, and Thomas filled me in on what happened during the filming of Thomas’s most recent vlog while I was… absent.” He sighed heavily. “So I take it you’ve met Deceit before?”

He had. Repeatedly. And none of the interactions had ever been pleasant. “Yes.” He replied cautiously.

“I just…” Patton trailed off, turning to flip the pancake before it had a chance to burn. “I really hope we’re wrong about this, but… you’re not teaming up with him, are you?”

“Hell no!” Virgil winced at the anger in his own voice. He continued on in a calmer voice, “No, Patton. I-I _hate_ the guy.”

“I mean, not that it would be unsurprising, given…” Patton paused, the reassurance in his voice faltering. “Given… well, given what you are.”

Virgil winced, jaw clenching. “And exactly what is it that I am, Morality?” he truly hoped this wasn’t going where he thought it was.

Patton seemed uncomfortable. “Well, technically kiddo you _are_ a Dark Side.”

The whole ‘you’re not one of us’ was heavily implied, if not outright guaranteed.

Virgil growled, his free hand clenching into a fist, clutching the hem of his sweatshirt as if it was a tether to his lifeline. “I am _not_ a damn Dark Side! I might not be appreciated, or wanted, or have a cheery, positive impact, but I _do_ help Thomas. Yes, I’ll admit, sometimes I come on too heavily, or strongly, or whatever, but I am what keeps Thomas _safe_. Not you, not Logic, not Roman. _Me_. Does that sound like a damn _Dark_ _Side_ to you?!”

Patton flinched at the venom in the Anxious Side’s voice. “I’m just worried, Virgil.”

**Not about you, that’s for sure.**

**Nice going. Now he’s scared of you. That’s a _wonderful_ way to convince them you’re not a Dark Side and working with Deceit.**

Great, the Voice was back.

Virgil rubbed his head gingerly, he brain pulsing painfully. “I promise, Pat. I’m not going to cause harm to Thomas any more than I already do. I’m not going to hurt you guys, or side with Deceit.” He said softly. “Trust me.”

The Moral Side sighed again. “I wish I could say that I do, kiddo.” He hesitated. “Maybe… maybe it would be best if you didn’t come up here for a while, gave us all some space and let things simmer down.”

Virgil nodded. That had been his plan – well, part of it – all along. “Ok,” he whispered.

**Told you.**

**They don’t love you.**

**They don’t want you.**

**They don’t give a _shit_ about you!**

**If he did, wouldn’t he be asking for your side of the story? Wouldn’t he be trying to _help_ you to smooth things out with the others?**

**He hates you.**

**They _all_ hate you!**

“I know!” Virgil shouted.

Patton gave him a weird look. “You… know what?”

“Never mind. Nothing.” Virgil muttered, turning to leave…

…only to find Roman in the hallway entrance, scowling angrily at him before smiling at Patton. “Are those pancakes? _Chocolate chip_ pancakes?! Wondrous! I am _starving_ , love!”

When Roman passed Virgil, he roughly bumped his shoulder against Virgil, his elbow striking the Anxious Side’s bruised ribs.

With a hiss of pain, Virgil stumbled into the wall, biting his lip until it bled to keep from crying out, from screaming in pain, his vision swimming white.

Not that either of the Sides in the kitchen seemed to notice.

**Oh, they noticed. They just don’t _care_. Why should they? You’re not wanted, you’re not loved. If you could find a way to die and you killed yourself, they’d throw a party.**

I know, Virgil thought angrily as he headed for his room, praying he’d make it there before any of the Sides trapped him again.

“I hope lying Mr. Doom and Gloom wasn’t raining on your happiness, was he, Pat?” was the last thing Virgil heard before the roaring of pain and panic mixed and took over as he stumbled down the hall.

There were spots of blood on the floor from the previous night.

Virgil ignored them, struggling with getting his door open again before almost falling when the door suddenly decided to give way and let him in. Hurriedly, he slammed the door shut behind him, dropping the box of granola bars onto the ground and staggered over to his bed, barely remembering to wave the dresser back in front of the door and lock the door with his free hand, the other pressed against his screaming side.

Thoughts were racing in Virgil’s head as he curled up in the pile of pillows on his bed, clutching one of them to his chest.

_Runrunrunrunaway. Pain pain pain pain why does this hurt so much?! I knew… I knew how they truly felt, why does this hurt so much?! Cut cut cut cut it all away, cut the pain away, make it make it make itgogogogo!!_

**You were starting to believe their acts, weren’t you?**

_Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!!!_

The Voice seemed to find amusement in his denial. **You did, didn’t you? You thought they actually gave a damn about you, that they actually _loved_ you? You’re _nothing_! No one wants you. You’re worthless!**

_I know I am. I just… I just wanted to belong so much…_

**Belong to a family.**

_Yes… I just wanted to know how it felt to be loved, maybe… maybe on occasion…_ Virgil couldn’t finish the thought, it was so painful.

The Voice, however, didn’t give a shit about not causing pain; it wasn’t Its purpose to be nice. **You wanted to be loved and have a hug, didn’t you? You poor, touch-starved creature? Monsters like you don’t get to have that. You should know that by now.**

**Monsters get killed.**

“I know…” Virgil murmured, voice cracking. “I know.”

With shaking hands, Virgil put on his ‘PG-13 music’ (more like R, depending on the song which played), hoping some noise would shut up the Voice for a little while.

Too bad the Voice decided to pick up bits and pieces of the music he was listening to and point it out to him.

_ Tell another joke while they hang another rope _

**There’s a way to die.**

**Repeatedly, painfully.**

**It’s what you _deserve_.**

Next song.

_ You come to me with scars on your wrists/You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this/I just came to say goodbye/Didn’t want you to see me cry/I’m fine _

**Like they would give a shit if they saw.**

**They’d ask why you don’t have more.**

**They’d ask why you haven’t gone deeper so you stay out of their lives.**

**Maybe you _should_ say goodbye to them.**

Next song.

_ I'm not a stranger/No, I am yours/With crippled anger/And tears that still drip sore/A fragile flame aged/With misery/And when our eyes meet/I know you'll see/I do not want to be afraid/I do not want to die inside just to breathe in/I'm tired of feeling so numb/Relief exists I find it when/I am cut _

**They got that right, don’t they?**

**You’re dead inside. A dead monster.**

**Maybe you should go cut.**

**Cut the monsters out of yourself.**

**Good luck with that.**

Next song.

_ Heaven's gates won't open up for me/With these broken wings I'm fallin' and all I see is you/These city walls ain't got no love for me/I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story/And, oh, I scream for you come please/I'm callin' and all I need from you, hurry, I'm fallin', I'm fallin _

**You are broken.**

**You’re broken, useless, worthless.**

**Pathetic.**

**Can’t even die properly.**

Next song.

**Do you really think I can’t find something to needle you with in the vast majority of your songs?**

“Can’t you just leave me alone?” Virgil groaned, dropping his head back, barely wincing when it struck the headboard.

**Nope. Why should I?**

**You’re nothing more than a wretched disease turned into a fake Side.**

**A _Dark_ Side.**

“I am _not_ a Dark Side!”

**Fine. A _Worthless_ Side.**

Virgil flinched. Between being Dark and being Worthless?

He’d take Worthless.

Because that was what he was.

**Worthless like the gum on the bottom of your shoe. Disgusting sticking, clinging to something you shouldn’t, coming from a place you shouldn’t, wanted gone by any means necessary.**

**Gone.**

**You _deserve_ all this, from me, from them, _all_ of it.**

Virgil curled up on himself, nails digging into his new wounds, and cried.

OoOoO

“Was that shove really necessary, Roman?” Patton questioned, eyeing his love. “You heard him say he fell in the shower and hurt himself.”

The Creative Side at least had the grace to look ashamed. “I’m just still so – so _mad_ that I didn’t realize it was you last night!” he waved his hands around wildly. “And yet him and Logic did! They should have said something earlier! And I just… there was just something so _fishy_ about the exchange between Deceit and Virgil! Even _I_ noticed it!” his eyes lit up. “Maybe they’re former nemesises, battling it out in Thomas’s mind!”

Patton nodded. “I’ll agree that something happened between the two. I just hope I’m wrong in my assumptions.”

“What assumptions?” Roman asked, puzzled, mid-way through a mock sword fight with an invisible opponent and invisible weapon.

“I just…” the Moral Side paused, searching for the right words. “I’m just worried about the kiddo, you know? What if he knew Deceit before he showed up amongst us? What if they’re… friends, a team?”

Roman shook his head violently. “No! You didn’t see Vigil’s face when Deceit was unmasked like… like shape-shifting villain! Even if he did know the guy before, he sure didn’t like the guy!”

Patton handed Roman a plate of pancakes. “If you say so. I wasn’t there, so all I can go on is my parental instincts, and they say to be wary of the pair of them.”

Roman grabbed a fork, stuffing a large piece into his mouth. “I didn’t realize he was injured that badly. I’ll… I’ll bake some cookies after breakfast to apologize. Maybe he’ll talk to me about what happened. He didn’t even have his makeup on!”

“We’ll do the cookies later, Roman, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it!”

Roman, so involved with his pancakes and plans to cheer the Anxious Side up didn’t notice the brief flash of yellow in Patton’s left eye.

“I’ll be right back!” Patton shouted, taking off his ‘Best Dad in the World’ apron. “Nature calls!”

When Patton came back from the bathroom, he found Roman sitting at the table, pancakes mostly uneaten, morosely moving the pieces around with his fork.

“Princey?” He pulled out a chair next to his boyfriend. “Hey, talk to me, buddy. What’s wrong?”

Roman dropped his fork onto the plate with a clatter and buried his face in his hands. “I… I had a nightmare last night.”

“Was it the Dragon-Witch?!” Patton demanded excitedly. “A powerful dark wizard? Did you defeat them and save the princess? Or Prince?”

“No…” Roman’s voice was muffled by his hands. “I… _I_ was the bad guy.”

The Moral Side put a supportive hand on the Creative Side’s shoulder, mouth open in surprise. “No wonder it was a nightmare. What happened?!”

To Patton’s surprise, Roman let out a quiet sob. He slunk closer, slipping his arms around the sad Side, his excitement fading completely. “Tell me when you’re ready, ok Roman?”

Roman reached up a hand to cling tightly to Patton. After several long moments, he said, “I… oh, God. Pat, I…I attacked Virgil. I hit him, I-I-I _kicked_ him, Pat! I made him _bleed!_ And what I said to him… I was so cruel!”

“Oh, Roman,” Patton murmured, tears in his own eyes as he tightened his arms around the Prince. “That’s horrible! Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Roman sobbed, and shook his head silently, unable to answer.

Behind them in the shadows, a yellow eye crinkled up in cruel amusement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? CC?
> 
> Songs used:  
> 'Bully' by Shinedown  
> 'Last Night' by Skillet  
> 'Cut' by Plumb  
> 'Savin' Me' by Nickelback
> 
> A/N - the 'Voice' is Virgil's Anxiety. When I was a teenager and young adult dealing with unmedicated depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide thoughts, I had a 'Voice' (just like I'm sure we all do, kind of like we have our own 'Sides' - ''nope it's the other way'' or ''let's do this instead'' or "Psst, the answer isn't that, it's this, remember?" etc) and it was rather unpleasant like Virgil's is. Just.. that's what I based it on.  
> And FYI, when you find the right prescribed medication, it does help (it took me and my dr a few tries, but it does help for the vast majority of the time. Please, if you haven't, talk to a dr, or even a friend just to get stuff off of your chest if you don't want to do medications.  
> Remember, us Fanders, and all other fandoms have to stick together and fight the world together.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: verbal and emotional abuse, panic attack, nightmares, reference to physical abuse, encouragement of fading/suicide
> 
> HUUUUUGE thank you to Graysonation for pointing out that in Ch 2 Virgil was already back in his room. I fixed it now.

Regular

_Thoughts_

**The Voice**

_**Flashback/voices** _

OoOoO

Virgil held it together long enough to close his bedroom door behind himself before he broke down.

_I wish it had been Roman… God, I wish it had been Roman. I’d have taken another beating or Patton’s disappointment over having Logan go off like he did…_

It was almost noon when Virgil's anxiety diminished enough for him to be hungry, only to find out the box of granola bars he'd grabbed had all been raisin and craisin mixes, both of which he hated with a passion. Patton and Roman were in the midst of a Disney marathon and Logan was nowhere to be seen. He was able to switch the box out for chocolate coconut ones without anyone being any the wiser and tiptoe back up the stairs without being noticed.

Or so he had thought... until he got back upstairs.

Logan had been standing in the middle of the hallway waiting for him when he was returning to his room, his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face.

“Are you going to attack me, too?” Virgil demanded, his body tense and curled.

Logan stared at him for several long moments before sighing. “I want some answers, and you _will_ give them to me, Anxiety.”

Virgil’s hand tighten into a fist inside his sweatshirt pocket to keep from flinching at the Logical Side’s words and tone.

**_Now tell me, Anxiety. What did you do, hmm? You will answer me, Anxiety!_ **

**_You aren’t thinking of leaving me, are you, Anxiety?_ **

**_You’re_ ** **mine, _Anxiety. You don’t get to leave me._**

Ugh. He did _not_ need to be hearing Deceit right now.

“Ask away, Logic.” Virgil leaned against the wall, smirking, and hoping that Logan wouldn’t see through the act – though that was doubtful. The Logical Side was way too observant sometimes.

“How did you know something was off regarding the Pseudo-Patton? How long did you know?”

Virgil shrugged the uninjured shoulder. “Umm… I don’t know, maybe halfway through making the video. I wasn’t really paying a whole lot of attention to the passing of the time.” Actually, it had been pretty much right away. The way that Pseudo-Patton worded his compliments and banter, the dramatics a little over the top, even for the real Patton.

Logan was looking at him skeptically. “And yet you waited to almost the end to say anything to the rest of us?”

“Would you have believed me if I had said anything before you figured it out for yourself?” Virgil retorted.

Logic tilted his head in reply. _Probably_ _not_.

But he was still looking suspicious. “Say I believe you. What gave Deceit away?”

Virgil snorted. “Um, hello, Logan. I’m _Anxiety_. I’m what makes Thomas so paranoid of every little detail of anything and everything, whether there’s something there to be paranoid about or not. I am the same way. When something seems off, no matter how small, I hone in on it and pay attention to it.”

“What, _exactly_ , were the clues you picked up?” asked Logan, his face shifting to become unreadable.

_Not good._

Virgil sighed, sliding his fingers through his hair underneath his hoodie. “His tones when he was speaking. The compliments seemed more like someone being sarcastic, of fake – the real Patton always means his compliments. And then his actions. They…” he paused, trying to think of the description he wanted. “It was like Roman was attempting to pretend to be him, and was way too over the top. It wasn’t… real.”

“And you knew which of the Dark Sides it was.” Logan said it at a statement, not a question. “You knew it was Deceit. You’ve met him before.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “So have the rest of you.”

Logan wasn’t deterred. “Yes, we have. And yet you knew it wasn’t Patton before even I did. It was as if you had more experience with the Dark Side than the rest of us.” He uncrossed his arms. “You seem to have plenty of animosity towards him, more than just for what he is. What did he do to you to warrant such strong dislike?”

The Anxious Side flinched, and he looked down at the floor. “I’m not discussing that with you, or anyone else.”

“Then it’s as I thought.” Logan’s lips were pressed into a thin line, his voice dripping venom. “Your severe dislike for Deceit merely a ploy, a ruse to get you further embedded amongst me, Patton, and Roman, isn’t it?” He didn’t let Virgil answer as he continued, “He’s having you be the Trojan Horse to get into Thomas and turn _him_ Dark. I can see that now.”

Virgil found himself staring at Logan again in shock. “Wh – have you lost your mind?!” he cried. “I would _never_ – ”

“And then there was your more personal tactic. Your pathetic little attempt at subterfuge.” Interrupted Logan, disgust entering his features.

“What are you talking about?!” Virgil asked, bewildered.

“I’m talking about your miserable delusion of romantic attraction towards me.”

The blood drained from Virgil’s face.

Shit.

“Like I would _ever_ reciprocate.” Logan sneered, stepping closer to Virgil, who shied away. “You _disgust_ me. You’re plotting to harm us, to harm _Thomas_ , and then you go and delude yourself into thinking you could flutter your eyelashes like some Disney Princess and distract me enough to allow Deceit and who knows who else more access to Thomas? You’re woefully misinformed.”

“I’m not… I’m not plotting against Thomas or any of you! I wouldn’t do that!” said Virgil desperately, barely able to hold eye contact with the other Side.

“ _Falsehood.”_ hissed Logan, fists clenched at his sides. “You’re a Dark Side, _Anxiety._ We are all aware of it. When you made it plain you were needed by leaving Thomas, we decided to be nice to you, keep you around for Thomas, yes. But also because it made it easy to keep an eye on you, because _Dark Sides_ like you cannot ever be trusted.”

“I’m _not_ lying, not about Deceit.” Virgil said, forcing himself to stay rooted to the spot and not tear past Logan to his room. “I would _never_ let anything happen to Thomas, or you, or Patton, or even Roman!” he swallowed hard before continuing, “Yes, I… I do have feelings for you. I already knew you wouldn’t return them. And not feelings like Patton and Roman have, it’s…. different.”

“Finally, you got something correct.” Sneered Logan. “Like _anyone_ who wasn’t Dark could ever care about something as _tainted_ as you. Even then, I’ll bet you couldn’t find anyone Dark to love you, either, you pathetic, weak, useless, worthless, inadequate Side. You could Fade, and we could take up the meager slack, and be just the same, just free of you and your Darkness.”

“Maybe I’ll do that.” Virgil said softly. He forced himself to stand up and meet Logan’s eyes. “Take care of Thomas for me, then, the three of you.”

“Easily said, and even more easily done.”

Virgil nodded. “Thank you. And Logan,” he whispered, “no matter what, I won’t regret loving you, even after I’m gone.”

As Virgil walked around Logan, the Logical Side hissed, “You’d better keep to your promises about being gone, _Anxiety_.”

Virgil paused but didn’t turn around. “I will. And it’s _Virgil._ ”

He left the box of granola bars in the hall where he had dropped them.

**He hates you. He’s _always_ hated you.**

**They all hate you, but him most of all.**

**He won’t care if you die – he said so.**

**None of them will care, not even Thomas.**

 OoOoO

Logan woke from his nightmare with a splitting migraine. Thankfully, he slept with heavy dark blue drapes over the windows, so the only light was a blue lava lamp on his desk (he found the things fascinating to watch).

He stumbled over the blankets (how had they ended up on the floor?!) to the bathroom to down a couple pills with a glass of water. After a moment’s hesitation he picked up the bottle of peppermint oil Virgil had given him and dabbed some on his temples, behind his ears, and the back of his neck, the cooling almost instantly taking the edge of the pain away.

Virgil.

**_“I want some answers, and you will give them to me, Anxiety.”_ **

Usually, he didn’t remember his dreams, let alone the occasional nightmare, beyond a few moments after waking. Odd.

He staggered back to his bed and sat down, cradling his head in his hands.

**_“Then it’s as I thought.”_ **

**_“Your severe dislike for Deceit merely a ploy, a ruse to get you further embedded amongst me, Patton, and Roman, isn’t it?”_ **

The Logical Side shuddered despite himself. The sudden appearance of Deceit was apparently causing him more stress than he had originally thought, especially if it was affecting his dreams.

At some point he would need to have a sit-down with the other Sides and figure out what they needed to do to limit the Dark Side’s power – the fact he had pretended to be one of them and had been able to physically materialize in front of Thomas was _not_ promising.

But to… to blame Virgil? There was something between the Anxious Side and Deceit, and not something good, that much was painfully obvious. But to blame Virgil of working with the Dark Side? It was ludicrous!

He frowned down at the barely-visible carpet, the faint light from the lava lamp making odd patterns with the shadows. There had been more in the dream…

**_“I’m talking about your miserable delusion of romantic attraction towards me.”_ **

Oh. Right.

He knew Virgil had feelings towards him. He wasn’t obvious about it – hanging out a little longer in the commons if he was there, asking what he was reading and then listening to his replies, sitting on the floor next to his corner spot on the sofa as opposed to the recliner. More like… he was enjoying his company.

Logan had also noticed the Anxious Side was touch-starved, how he reacted to Roman clapping him on the shoulder, or one of Patton’s exuberant hugs. He wasn’t sure what to do when the others touched him, but after they let him go the flash of pain in Virgil’s eyes broke Logan’s heart. He wasn’t sure what to do about it himself, because he knew Virgil wouldn’t appreciate him bring it up with the other two.

As for _him_ actually doing something about it…

It took him a long time, longer than he cared to admit, that he enjoyed the Anxious Side’s company as well. And the one dream he did remember the morning after that realization… all he could remember was than him and Virgil had been watching Nightmare Before Christmas, and Logan was holding Virgil, fingers drawing patterns on the exposed skin of the Anxious Side’s wrists.

It had left him with a deep, warm glow in the pit of his stomach.

**_“Like anyone who wasn’t Dark could ever care about something as tainted as you. Even then, I’ll bet you couldn’t find anyone Dark to love you, either, you pathetic, weak, useless, worthless, inadequate Side. You could Fade, and we could take up the meager slack, and be just the same, just free of you and your Darkness.”_ **

Deep glow gone.

Logan couldn’t help but wince at the venom dripping from his dream self’s lips.

And the utterly shattered look in Virgil’s eyes…

He never wanted to see that again, not in a dream, and certainly not in reality.

**_“Maybe I’ll do that.” Virgil said softly. He forced himself to stand up and meet Logan’s eyes. “Take care of Thomas for me, then, the three of you.”_ **

**_“Easily said, and even more easily done.”_ **

**_Virgil nodded. “Thank you. And Logan,” he whispered, “no matter what, I won’t regret loving you, even after I’m gone.”_ **

God, he needed coffee. And food too, that would help his migraine, and taking the pain pills on an empty stomach wasn’t the best idea. Not to mention both would help him sort out him emotions – not that he’d ever admit to having them – and hopefully help him put the dream behind him.

The coffee was hot and fresh, thanks to Patton. Logan poured himself a large mug of the heavenly nectar, and noticed Patton had also left a stack of chocolate chip pancakes for him. They were cold, but still good that way.

He settled at the kitchen table, finally noticing that both Patton and Roman were in the living room, Cinderella playing quietly on the TV. He hadn’t noticed them – especially Roman – because the Creative Side was always singing the Disney songs any time they watch them and the sound was always blasting.

Instead, the Creative Side was half-awake, his head in Patton’s lap, one of Anxiety’s weighted blankets around his waist. The Moral Side was running his fingers through Roman’s hair. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled almost… sadly?

“What’s wrong with Roman? Is he sick? If he is, I’ll need to go and check on Thomas.” Logan asked, concerned. If one of them was getting sick, it usually meant something was wrong with Thomas, and they all needed to be aware of that, and check on their host (he never drank enough when he was sick).

Patton shook his head. “He had a nightmare. A bad one.”

Logan took a sip of his coffee. “I too had a nightmare. Perhaps we are all just being overly stressed about the appearance of Deceit.”

Beneath the blanket, Roman shifted, and… sniffed?!

“It… I…”

Patton crooned softly. “Hush, love. It was just a nightmare.” He glanced back at Logan and mouthed “he dreamed he attacked Virgil.”

Dread pooled in Logan’s stomach, and coffee forgotten, he got up to crouch in front of the two, eyes on Roman. “You dreamed you attacked Virgil?”

Roman’s eyes were red. “I… I was mad, I thought he was working with Deceit, and when he denied it… I… I…” he sniffed. “I attacked him. I hit him, I kicked him!” he looked up at Logan. “Even if I was furious, even if he, he, _burned_ all my Disney posters, or something equally terrible, I would never actually _hit_ him!”

“I believe you.” Logan said distractedly, his thoughts flying around inside of his head. “I, too, had a nightmare in which I had a confrontation with Virgil. I didn’t physically harm him, but…” Logan felt embarrassed. “I was rather abrasively verbal with him.”

There was a brief silence.

“I had a dream about Virgil too…” Patton said hesitantly. When Logan and Patton looked at him, he blushed. “I was very… unfatherly towards him. I told him I was disappointed in him, that I didn’t trust him.” There were tears in his eyes. “I told him I didn’t want him around!”

Patton and Roman jumped when Logan actually _growled._ “Deceit! He’s playing with us, trying to turn us against Virgil.”

“Can he touch our dreams?” Patton asked, confused.

Logan clenched his jaw. “I say we talk to Thomas, have him summon Deceit, and we ask him ourselves.”

OoOoO

_Fadefadefadefadetheyhateyoutheyhateyoudiediedie_

Virgil couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see.

He couldn’t _feel._ He couldn’t feel the carpet under him, he couldn’t feel the usually comforting weight of his hoodie, he couldn’t feel the tears streaming down his face.

All he could feel was the shattering of his heart.

_Loganloganlogannonononopleasenodon’thatemedon’thateme_

**_Pathetic._ **

**_Weak._ **

**_Useless._ **

**_Worthless._ **

**_Tainted._ **

**Unlovable. That’s what you are. I could never love something so… Dark, as yourself.**

Oh, wonderful. The Voice sounded like Logan again.

Virgil’s breathes were coming in short, painful gasps as he lay collapsed on his side a few steps inside of his room. He muscles were spasming, his eyes wide an unseeing.

**You’re so pitiful. Grow up, or at least grow a spine, coward.**

**Go die, you won’t be missed.**

**We hate you.**

**_I_ ** **hate you!**

**I never want to see you again.**

“’m sorry,” Virgil rasped. “Log’n… pl’s… ’m so s’rry…”

**I don’t give a shit if you’re sorry or not! You _disgust_ me! How you could even allow yourself the delusion that I would ever even possibly return your love I have no idea.**

_I didn’t…_ He thought. _I knew you wouldn’t. But… I couldn’t help but feel comforted with your presence, enjoy our conversations and debates, and just be at ease around you. I couldn’t help but love you, Logan._

Finally, mercifully, he passed out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Anyone wants to hang out on Tumblr, my name is the-doctors-hufflepuff!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Nightmares, reference to physical and verbal abuse.
> 
> Figured I'd stay up and get this next chapter up. I don't work tomorrow, so what the heck!

Logan, Patton, and Roman found Thomas sprawled out on the couch, wrapped in a huge fuzzy blanket and watching Crystal Gems. He looked up in confusion when the three Sides rose up (especially not in their standard video clothing) into his living room, muting the TV show and giving them his full attention, picking up on the serious looks on their faces, even Patton’s.

“We need to talk to you –” Logan started, but was interrupted by Roman.

“That complete _bastard_ Deceit has been trying to turn us against Virgil!” The Creative Side raged, one hand clenched into a fist and the other wrapped tightly around the hilt of his sword, pacing the living room – after all, they only kept to their ‘spots’ because the viewers thought it was all Thomas and not him actually having Sides who could manifest – but that’s another story for another time.

Thomas looked from one Side to the other. “What makes you think that?”

“Each of us at some point last night or this morning have suffered from a nightmare in which we confront Virgil and accuse him of working with Deceit.” replied Logan. “We believe that Deceit has found a way to influence our dreams in an attempt to drive a wedge between Virgil and ourselves, quite possibly to get Virgil to seek Deceit out.”

“Is – is that why I feel so… off?” Thomas asked after a moment.

“Why? What’s wrong? How do you feel? Are you – ” Patton’s tirade of questions was cut off when Roman covered his mouth.

After giving the Moral ‘Dad’ Side a stern look, Logan turned his attention back onto Thomas. “When you say that you ‘feel off’, what do you mean?”

Thomas shrugged helplessly. “I… I guess if I had to give it a name… foggy? Or like there’s a glass barrier between me and… stuff…  in my head? Like, I know it’s there, I can see it, but not reach it.” he shook his head. “That’s as best as I can describe it.”

“Hmm.” Logan hummed thoughtfully.

“Thomas, do you fear death?” Roman asked out of the blue.

“Of course I do!” Thomas said indignantly, surprised that the Fanciful Side would ask such a thing.

Then it clicked.

“Oh. I still have my anxiety, if that’s what you’re asking.”

The three Sides shared a relieved look.

“When you say a glass barrier, what ‘stuff’ are you walled off from?”

“Ummm…” Thomas thought about it for a moment. “My nervousness, I guess.” He chewed at his lip worriedly. “So in other words, my anxiety. What does this mean for Virgil?”

Having finally gotten Roman to let him go, Patton asked, “Don’t suppose this just means that Virgil’s taking a nap, does it?”

Logan shook his head. “No. Unconscious, perhaps.” He held up a hand to stop the others panic. “This has happened before when he has a particularly bad anxiety attack. I’m sure he’s fine.”

‘Fine’. Yeah right.

None of them looked like they believed him, and Logan had to admit he didn’t much either.

“If Deceit has been making you three have nightmares of confronting Virgil…” Thomas began worriedly, “does that mean he might be making Virgil had nightmares of you three attacking him?”

“Oh, no! You don’t think he is, do you?” Patton turned worried eyes onto the Logical Side.

“I… I don’t know.” Logan replied slowly. “I suppose it would make sense for him to ‘play both sides’, as it were.”

“Have any of you interacted with Virgil outside of your nightmares since last night when we did the video?” asked Thomas.

“I did this morning. Kind of.” Patton said. “I was making breakfast. I asked him if he wanted to stay and have pancakes with me and Roman, but he just grabbed some granola bars and said he didn’t sleep well and had fallen in the shower so wasn’t up for being social.”

Logan shook his head. “I haven’t seen him since last night.”

Everyone turned to look at Roman, who blushed beet red.

“Roman,” Logan said slowly, “what happened?”

“Well, I didn’t _interact_ with him per se.” Roman muttered, looking away. “I did bump him rather roughly when he was leaving the kitchen.” He noticed everyone was staring at him. “I couldn’t hear what they were saying until Virgil yelled ‘I know!’ but it looked like Mr. Storm Cloud was raining his gloominess on my Patton and… and ok I lost my cool for a moment and I shoved him!”

“That was quite childish of you, Roman.” Logan scolded. “What if you bumped his injured side?”

“I – I didn’t know he was injured!” protested the Creative Side. “If I had known I wouldn’t have done it!”

“Hold up.” Thomas interjected before Logan could scold Roman further. “You guys can get injured?”

“We cannot die, but yes, we can be injured or sick. More so if that particular aspect of you has been ‘injured’, like that time you forgot the lyrics when you auditioned for the play. Roman was upset, yes, but not injured, despite his theatrics. _But_ at that time he was more susceptible to being injured.” He pushed his glasses up. “Given your history of heightened anxiety, not to mention Virgil’s own, leaves him more open to becoming hurt.”

“And a fall in the shower is _very_ painful.” Thomas said, more than likely speaking from personal experience.

“Ohhh! I should have checked his injuries!” Patton worried at the cuffs of the ever-present cardigan. “What if they’re worse than he let on?”

“I’m sure he’s fine, Pat.” Roman said consolingly. “If anything, he was probably making it out to be worse than it seemed.”

“This is all very interesting to learn,” Thomas said slowly, “but what do you guys need me for?”

“We need you to summon Deceit so we can tell him to cease his foolish shenanigans with these stupid nightmares.” Logan said firmly. “He needs to know we’re not going to fall for it.”

“But how is he managing getting into your heads and causing the dreams? He’s Deceit not Roman.”

“We don’t know. It’s on the list to ask him.”

“what exactly were these nightmares?” asked Thomas. “I mean, it kinda seemed to me like they had some history, and it wasn’t good. Wouldn’t it make more sense that Deceit would be making Virgil have the nightmares?”

“Good point, and we don’t know if Virgil is having them as well or not.” Replied Logan. “But the fact that _all three_ of us have a nightmare the same night – or early morning in my case – revolving around the same genre of situation seems to stretch the constrains of probability.”

Thomas nodded. “True.” He looked from one Side to the other. “What did you guys all dream?” Roman’s wince drew his attention. “Roman?”

“I’m… not proud to admit it.” Roman refused to look at their Host. “I accused him of working with Deceit, that they were going to hurt you, Thomas, and I accused him of being a Dark Side.” He took a shaky breath. “I… I also hit him.”

“You dreamed you _hit_ Virgil?” demanded Thomas, shocked.

If possible, Roman looked even more ashamed. “…twice.” He whispered. “And I… and I kicked him, when he was on the ground. Three times.”

“You would never do that, Roman!” Patton seized his boyfriend in a hug. “We all know that.”

“He’s right, Roman.” Thomas got up and gave the Creative Side a hug as well before turning to the other two Sides. “What about you two.”

“Well…” Patton squirmed. “I dreamed I was making pancakes – it was what made me want to get up and make them this morning, and Virgil showed up. I told him I was worried about him teaming up with Deceit, and I also called him a Dark Side.”

“Another notch to the reasons why I think Deceit is behind this.” Logan cut in.

Patton continued, “I told him that…” he sniffed, and Roman looped an arm around Patton’s shoulders. “I told him that I didn’t trust him, and told him not to come near the rest of us for awhile. I was so mean! So… unfatherly.”

Thomas winced sympathetically, knowing how much Patton really cared about his ‘dark, strange son’, and would never been that cruel to Virgil, let alone let one of the others get away with it. He turned his attention to Logan. “What about you?”

Logan huffed. “I don’t normally remember my dreams or nightmares to begin with, even right when I wake up, and they always fade from my memory completely within a few minutes after I wake up.” There was no reason he had to tell any of them about his dream about him cuddling with Virgil. He continued, “I caught Virgil in the hallway going to his rooms, and demanded answers.”

When Logan paused, Thomas asked, “What were you asking him, Logan?”

“I asked him how he knew it wasn’t the real Patton, and how long into the video he knew, and I asked for specifics. He told me that it was a little _too_ Patton, like it was Roman pretending to be Patton –”

“Hey!”

“ – that the complements seemed almost sarcastic. He also pointed that ‘duh’, being paranoid and suspicious was part of his job.”

No one dared mention the small smile on Logan’s face, but the three did share a look.

Oblivious, Logan continued, “I proceeded to then demand to know why Virgil had such strong animosity towards Deceit. He then told me that he wasn’t going to discuss that with me, or anyone else. I… I didn’t believe him. I then told him I knew he was working alongside of Deceit to try and turn Thomas Dark.”

Thomas winced. “I take it that can actually happen?”

Logan stared at Thomas as if the young man had asked if the sky was blue (think the saying, let’s avoid going on a scientific tangent for now). “How do you think the vast majority of the ‘bad guys’ in the world happen?”

Thomas had no answer for that, but noticed the tic in Logan’s jaw. “There’s more, isn’t there?”

“I – yes. I called out his crush on me, and told him there was no way I or anyone would or could ever love him. I… I told him he disgusted me, that he was tainted, worthless… a whole host of cruel words.” Logan swallowed. “I told him he could Fade or die, and no one would care.”

Thomas held up a finger. “Wait, wait. Couple questions. I thought you said you couldn’t die.”

“We can’t. I believe dream-me was merely being cruel.” replied Logan. “However, we can Fade.” Seeing Thomas’s blank look, he continued, “If you don’t use a Side, they weaken. A mass murderer typically isn’t going to have a strong Moral Side. A nun isn’t going to have a strong Deceit Side. Does that make sense?”

Thomas nodded slowly. “So… for Virgil to Fade I’d have to stop being anxious?”

“Typically, yes. But, a Side can, on rare occasions, choose to Fade. They’re still there, you still have access to that Side, and what they represent.” Explained Logan. “It doesn’t do a lot of damage to their Host, but they can’t interact with other Sides like we do. In all of my research, I haven’t found records of many who chose to do so.”

Thomas looked relieved. “Oh. Ok. Good, good.” Then his head snapped up. “Does Virgil _actually_ have a crush on you, or was that part of the dream, too?”

“Oh, does he _ever_!” Roman actually _giggled_. “It is so adorable!”

He withered under the look Logan shot at him.

“O…k… then.” Their Host shook his head. “Back to the whole Deceit thing, why don’t you guys just track him down yourselves?”

The three Sides exchanged grimaces. “He doesn’t really have a set mindscape. Not that we’ve found.” Logan said finally.

“Not that we’ve looked hard.” Roman muttered, shuddering. “We don’t want to.”

“I hardly see him not responding to your summons.” Logan added. “You’re our best shot.”

Thomas nodded. “Then let’s go for it.”

The Sides stood next to their host; Patton’s fists were clenched, Roman’s hand was back on his sword, and Logan’s arms were folded across his chest.

“Deceit! Deceit, get up here, I need to talk to you! Now!”

Nothing, for several long moments.

“Well, this went according to plan.”

Logan huffed. “Again, surely it didn’t.”

Roman took a step forward. “What are you playing at? Trying to turn us against Virgil?!”

Deceit smirked. “I would _never_ do such a thing!”

“Liar!” Patton shouted.

“Falsehood!” spat Logan.

Deceit’s smirk only grew. “Aren’t you three cute.”

“Why are you trying to get us to turn on my dark, strange son?!” cried Patton. “Why?!”

“What ever makes you think such a thing?” Deceit asked, steepling his fingers in front of his chest.

“Our _nightmares_ , Deceit.” Logan spat, eyes blazing. “Perhaps if you had done one of us at a time, it may have been more believable. But all three of us at once? Highly suspicious.”

Deceit tutted. “Nightmares. Such horrible things, aren’t they?”

“Why are you doing this to them?” Thomas demanded, his dislike for the Dark Side growing more and more with each passing moment.

Deceit’s eyes widened. “I didn’t do a thing to them!”

“We all have nightmares where we turn on Virgil, accuse him of working with you, _in the same night_ , right after you show up, and it’s not you? I thought you were supposed to be _good_ at lying.”

“But I’m not lying, dear Logan. I didn’t cause the nightmares.” Purred Deceit, his smirk back in place. “Honestly.”

“Then what’s up with the dreams they had?” Thomas demanded. “Tell me!” he made it an order forcing as much rage and demand for the truth as he could into it.

Deceit tapped his cheek in thought. “Well, the dominos have already fallen. I guess it can’t change a whole lot on the results to tell you now.” He grinned. “But remember, I was only able to do so because there was already Doubt in each of you over dear, sweet Anxiety –”

“His name is Virgil!” All three Sides shouted.

Deceit huffed. “Fine. Between _Virgil_ and me. Keep that in mind, won’t you?”

“What. Did. You. Do?!” Logan growled.

“Well, I actually _was_ being honest earlier, Logan. I didn’t cause your nightmares.”

“Then what did?” asked Roman suspiciously.

“You were dream-walking. With my aid, of course.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” Patton muttered.

The grin Deceit gave them was full of malice. “Oh, it isn’t. At least, it wasn’t for Virgil.”

Thomas frowned. “What are you talking about?”

Deceit’s eyes bounced from one Side to the other. “Your ‘nightmares’ are actually suppressed dream-walking memories.”

Logan, of course, was the first one to understand what the Dark Side was saying, arms falling limply to his sides. “You – you’re _lying_.”

Deceit raised a single eyebrow. “Am I?”

“Oh, God.” Logan’s knees gave out – thankfully he dropped onto the edge of the sofa – a shaking hand on his mouth.

“Logan, what is he saying?”

What is it Logan?”

“What does he mean?”

Logan swallowed hard. “All those nightmares we had… everything in them…” he choked, the most emotion any of them had ever seen. “They weren’t nightmares. It… It was all real. Everything we said, everything we did… we actually did to Virgil. The _real_ Virgil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE NOTE: graphic self harm and suicide!

**They don’t want you.**

**They don’t _need_ you.**

**You’re worthless.**

**Roman hates you.**

**Patton hates you.**

**_Logan_ ** **hates you.**

**They don’t give a shit about you.**

**They won’t miss you.**

**They –**

The Voice was already yelling as Virgil regained consciousness after his panic attack; it had been awhile since he had one so bad it knocked him out. He pushed himself into an approximation of a sitting position, dried blood on his chin from his bitten lip and hair a wild mess. His body was a mess of pain and stiff muscles.

**Go away.**

**GO AWAY!**

_I’m going to._

Should he write letters? Did it even matter? They hated him and wanted him gone – what was the point of writing a letter, even to Thomas? There was no way the others hadn’t already told their Host of their suspicions of the Anxious Side and turned him against him as well.

**You don’t matter to them. They just want you gone – what’s the point of a letter, hmm?**

_I already told Logan to make sure they took care of Thomas._ Virgil pointed out to himself. _Not a whole lot of anything else to say that will matter, one way or the other._

He was still tempted, especially if he could find a way to put down his feelings for Logan, but Logan was far more likely to shred or burn anything he left behind for the Logical Side. He had made quite plain his revulsion to Virgil’s feelings.

No. No real point in leaving anything for them.

Using the wall and furniture for support Virgil made his way over to his bed, pulling the covers until the bed was mildly resembling being made. Everything else was already pretty much in its place, from his books and journal to his drawing supplies on the desk. He had recently done his laundry (except for the blood-soaked clothing he had washed earlier that morning, which were draped over the laundry basket to dry). His shoes and socks were left next to the nightstand.

The only thing on the floor was the purple and black hoodie he had tossed out of the bathroom earlier. Having to stoop over to pick it up sent pain shooting through his bruised ribs and into his chest.

**Maybe they should’ve just beaten you to death.**

**It’s what you deserve.**

**You deserve the pain.**

He stumbled over to the desk and carefully draped the hoodie over the back of the chair. Off of the desk he snagged his wireless speaker; his phone was already in his pocket.

He glanced one last time through his room, making one final check that everything was in order.

**That’s it, make sure everything is in order and not leave _more_ work for the others!**

**Burden.**

**Drama Queen.**

**No one will miss you.**

Taking a deep breath, Virgil waved the dresser back in front of the door, and slipped into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind him.

Brushing all of his make-up into the wastebasket made room for the speaker and phone on the counter. He plugged them both in and turned on the music before starting to fill up the huge bathtub.

_ You carved a special place for your pain/so it came back to hurt you every night/you closed your eyes and wished it all away/until you disappeared under the knife _

_ You knew the deal/no one gives a damn/just another needy kid/sob story in hand/keep your secrets covered/up up up/we don’t need another/cut cut cut _

The water was ice-cold, and the tub had been specifically created by Virgil to hold the temperature of the water placed in it indefinitely.

Virgil stripped off of his hoodie and let it drop to the floor, followed by his t-shirt. Standing there in just his black pants, he made himself look at his reflection.

After all, this would be the last time he would be able to look at his handiwork.

The cuts, some half-healed and some completely scarred not only decorated the entirety of both arms, but also his chest and sides.

Some were connected to form words.

**_Worthless._ **

**_Depressed._ **

**_Lost._ **

**_Unwanted._ **

**_Pathetic._ **

**_Dead._ **

**_Broken._ **

**_Cutter._ **

**_Dark._ **

**_Affliction._ **

**_Unlovable._ **

And more, lines and words scattered across the exposed pale skin and dipping low under his pants and crawling down his hips, constant reminders of his place in the grand scheme of things.

**They _want_ you gone, remember?**

**They don’t need you.**

**They don’t care about you.**

_ Can you fix this/am I too far gone/I’ve never done this before/Don’t know if I’m ready/but I wanna move on/And I’ve never said that before _

_ I don’t wanna be stuck/I don’t wanna be crazy/This is the way my sadness made me/better come quick/yeah better come save me _

**What are you waiting for?**

**It’s not like if you wait long enough they’ll come rushing in to stop you.**

**Want to bet how many days – no weeks – it is before they come looking for you?**

The razor blade was where he had left it next to the sink; he hadn’t even bothered to hide it after last night’s…. incident.

Maybe, deep down, he had known this was where he would end up, soon.

Sooner, rather than later, especially thanks to Logan.

Thinking of Logan brought tears to Virgil’s eyes as he stared at his reflection, and a single one rolled down his bruised cheek and fell directly onto the blade.

He cared for Roman and Patton, even if they were a bit ‘extra’, as Logan’s vocabulary cards would say. But Logan… the Logical Side was calm – when he wasn’t arguing one of the others – and was funny, caring, thoughtful. He wasn’t loud, and understood the good in companionable silence.

God, he wished he could’ve had one hug from him.

When he said he loved Logan, he meant it… but not _exactly_ as Patton and Roman loved each other. He wanted companionship, some to hold and to hold him, to spend time with, to _love._ He didn’t want sex. He wanted a kiss goodnight, a hand to hold, someone to love.

**He doesn’t love you, remember?**

**_“Like anyone who wasn’t Dark could ever care about something as tainted as you. Even then, I’ll bet you couldn’t find anyone Dark to love you, either, you pathetic, weak, useless, worthless, inadequate Side. You could Fade, and we could take up the meager slack, and be just the same, just free of you and your Darkness.”_ **

“I know.” Virgil whispered. “But I still…. I still love him.”

The tub was full. He turned off the water.

He stripped off his pants, dropping them onto the hoodie and t-shirt, leaving his black boxers on. He could fold his clothes, he supposed. But…

He just wanted to get this over already.

Virgil first reopened the wounds from last night, blood dripping down his skin and falling into the sink and stinging pain kissing the skin around the wounds.

At the last moment, he decided to leave a message. He touched his fingers into the blood, and wrote on the mirror the last words he wanted to leave for the others.

**What’s taking so long?**

He turned to face the tub and held the blade with his right hand and before he could stop himself, before he changed his mind, before anything –

**Just do it. They don’t give a fuck.**

**They _want_ this, remember?**

**Can’t you do just one thing right?!**

– and sliced three deep cuts marching diagonally up his arm, wrist to forearm, and on up to go forearm to inner elbow.

Blood immediately started to drip into the cold bath water, and for a fraction of a second, they were beautiful like a snowflake before vanishing into the water.

The pain was burning, searing, tearing him up as he switched the blade to his left hand and clumsily made duplicate marks on the right arm to match the originals.

More blood-red snowflakes.

The water was pink now.

With a deep breath, Virgil stepped into the water, the icy touch its own form of pain as he lowered himself into the water.

More fresh cuts appeared on his chest, sketching out one last word.

**_Goodbye._ **

He was feeling dizzy.

He was feeling numb.

He was in so much pain.

It’s what he deserved.

_ For years I cried myself to sleep every night/Lived one day at time/trying to just stay alive/And I knew people had it worse/but that didn’t make me better/Took all I had inside just to hold myself together/But I knew I couldn’t stop/kept hoping one day/Maybe I’d make it to a stage and/tell you it’s all ok And/that I love you _

Some time later, the blade slipped from his fingers and vanished into the red water.

Virgil slipped down to lay in the tub, the water freezing his cheeks, just like the rest of him.

His tears trickled into the red.

His vision was going black.

It was now or never.

“I love you, Logan.”

He slipped completely under the water.

Above the sink, the blood dripped down the mirror, marring the letters but not obscuring their message.

**_I forgive all of you._ **

OoOoO

Deceit was laughing as the other Sides and Thomas stared at him in complete shock.

“You – you mean that I – I actually _hit_ Verge?!” Roman cried, striding over to the Dark Side, ready to attack him.

“Before you think of hurting me,” Deceit said, holding up a finger to stop him, “Be aware that I have a link to your dear little pathetic Virgil. Wouldn’t want something more to happen to him, now, would we?”

“You’re lying!” Roman was a mere two feet away from Deceit, his whole body shaking as he held himself back.

“Am I? Why don’t you risk it and find out? Wouldn’t want any more of Anxiety’s blood on your hands, do you?”

“Why?” Thomas demanded as he came level with the Creative Side. “Why are you doing this? Is this, what, some sick game of yours?!” He put the same force behind his questions as he previously had.

Deceit giggled. “Ohh, look at you! Finding your powers!”

The Host growled. “ ** _Answer_**.”

Logan and Patton came to join them, making a semi-circle surrounding the Dark Side.

“You mean to tell me that you don’t know?” Deceit pretended to be shocked, a hand covering his mouth and his eyebrows raised. “Anxiety didn’t tell you?”

“Tell us what?” Logan spat. “That you’re a manipulative bastard who enjoys hurting others? I think we all knew that.”

Deceit clutched where his heart supposedly was. “Why, Logan, your words wound me!”

“I wish!” growled the Logical Side. “Now answer Thomas’ questions!”

“Well, you’re no fun. Don’t know what Virgil sees in you.” When none of them rose to the bait, Deceit couldn’t avoid the order anymore. “Anxiety belongs to me. He was mine to control, to manipulate, to punish.” Deceit closed his eyes and smiled. “He does scream so prettily.”

Thomas felt sick, and knew the other three Sides felt the same. “Why?” he demanded. “Why would you hurt him?”

The Dark Side shrugged. “He started thinking for himself, started standing up to me. Then he started getting ideas about leaving me. I couldn’t stand for that.”

“You kept him as some sick, twisted idea of a marionette? Hurting him, and then wonder why he wants to get away from you?” Logan was disgusted. “And this is all some petty little revenge for that?”

“Eh, more of a slave than a puppet. Among other things, not the least of which I enjoy tormenting him for leaving me for the three of you, for trying to pretend he was Good.” Deceit shuddered at the word ‘good’. “Like he could be anything but Dark. And using you three as pawns instead of shape-shifting? Let’s just say I learned my lesson with your last insipid video creation.”

But… but how?” Patton wanted to know, his hands clenched into fists. “I mean, we all know we can shapeshift, but how did you manage to do that – that dream-walking thingie?”

Deceit grinned. “Like I said before, you all had at least a seed of Doubt about your precious little Anxiety. Doubt and Deceit go hand in hand, especially when it’s seeded by me. I was able to use that as a back-door into your minds and voila.”

 **“ _Get. Out.”_** Thomas hissed, eyes narrowed as he glared at the Dark Side. “ ** _You will leave all of them alone: Virgil, Patton, Logan, Roman, and any others there might be that I don’t know about. You will not harm them in any way, shape, or form. You will not threaten, harm, or manipulate them. If I have to have any sort of discussion with you about anything even remotely similar, you will not like the results. Now get out.”_**

Deceit stared at Thomas in shock. “Well, well, that _is_ a surprise. It will be very interesting to see where your powers take you.”

He started to sink out, but stopped. “Oh, one of you may want to go and check on your handiwork regarding dear Virgil.”

He sunk out without another word, smirk in place.

Patton and Roman had to grab Thomas when his knees gave out and he started to crumble to the floor.

“Thomas!”

“I’m ok, just… a little dizzy.” Thomas replied to Patton’s worried shout. He looked up at Logan. “What just happened?”

“You were able to give an Order to a Side.” Logan said, amazement in his voice. “You are going to become a very gifted Manifester.” He glanced at the other Sides. “Thomas, if you were feeling well enough, I will leave Patton here with you. Roman and I should go and check on Virgil.”

Thomas waved a hand. “Go, check on him. Bring him here so we can all talk.”

Roman and Logan both snapped their fingers, not wanting to waste the time it would take to sink out, reappear in the commons, and go to the hallway; instead they appeared directly into the hallway.

A box of granola bars on the floor was the first thing that caught their attention.

“Virgil dropped this in my dream,” Logan said. “I was yelling at him about how much I hated him…”

Roman clapped the Logical Side on his shoulder and took a few steps towards Virgil before he stopped dead in his tracks, and pointed wordlessly to the floor.

Drops of dried blood.

“I was _really_ hoping that Deceit had been lying.” Roman whispered.

Logan brushed by him. “Come on. We will find Virgil and explain, and beg forgiveness.”

“I won’t blame him if he refuses.” Replied Roman sadly. “It would be more than any of us deserve.”

“It wasn’t like we had any ability to control the situation, Roman.” Logan pointed out.

Roman disagreed. “We Doubted him. You heard Deceit. It was _because_ we Doubted him that that horrible Dark Side was able to use us to begin with.”

Logan sighed as they reached Virgil’s door. “True.”

They knocked.

“Virgil? Virgil, please. We need to talk. Something’s happened. Please, let me explain.” Logan said. “There was an incident… a couple of them, actually. Please, let us explain.”

Silence.

Roman tried and doorknob and found it unlocked.

“Virgil, we’re coming in!” the Creative Side yelled and went to open the door, only to find it wouldn’t budge. Frowning, he threw himself bodily against the door, and was only able to marginally open it more.

It took several more tries before the opening was large enough for them to squeeze into the darkened room. Once they could get in they could hear music coming from the bathroom.

“Would have been easier to rise up in his mind palace and enter through the other door.” Roman muttered, peering into the gloom after he shoved the dresser out of the way and the door stood wide open.

“Virgil?” Logan called. “Virgil, please… There’s nothing I can say that will earn me forgiveness, but please… at least let me explain.”

Silence.

Logan took a deep breath and knocked on the bathroom door. “Virgil?”

Silence.

The Logical Side shared a look with Roman, who shrugged helplessly.

Logan twisted the doorknob, and when he found it unlocked, pushed the door open.

“Virgil?” he called, before he stepped inside.

And felt his heart stop.

**_“VIRGIL!”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Songs used:  
> Under the Knife, Supposed to Be, and You Can't Kill Us by Icon for Hire


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: results of suicide attempt and self-harm
> 
> I did my best with my research of hypothermia treatment. The suturing is from my work at an animal hospital

Logan stood frozen in the doorway, his eyes wide and frantic, his pulse erratic as his breathing. While _logically_ part of his brain knew that it was mere seconds, but to the rest of him – parts of him he hadn’t wanted to admit to possessing or even consider that he had – it felt like hours. He knew he had shouted Virgil’s name, despite knowing there was no way possible that he would get a response. His stillness was shattered when Roman, panicked to know what had made the Logical Side shout like he had tried to push past him to the bathroom.

“Logan, what – ” Roman was unable to finish his sentence as he clapped a hand over his mouth in a futile attempt to stop himself from vomiting, barely getting the toilet open in time before that morning’s coffee and pancakes made their reappearance.

Logan fell to his knees next to the bathtub and with no hesitation plunged his hands into the bloody water, desperately seeking the Anxious Side.

Desperately trying to remember to breathe something other than short, panicked gasps.

Desperately trying to ignore the bloody words painted on the mirror.

**_I forgive all of you._ **

Cold. The water was icy, frigidly cold.

_Virgil, why…_

The Logical Side was able to slide one of his arms under Virgil’s shoulders, the other wrapping around his chest to lift his head and shoulders about the freezing water.

“Virgil! Virgil, open your eyes!” Logan shouted, shaking the cold, limp body.

The Anxious Side didn’t move, or respond.

He wasn’t breathing.

Logan touched his fingers to the other Side’s neck, hoping for a pulse.

_We can’t die, we can’t die, Sides can’t die…_

He was still frantic, his heart racing as he tried to feel for Virgil’s pulse. It was there, barely forty beats per minute if they were lucky; the average human heart rate was between sixty and a hundred.

Then he saw the scars, and the words Virgil had carved into his skin. Cruel, hateful words scattered across his chest, and a few reaching down his upper arms, and other straight gashes were heavily scattered on all of the exposed skin.

Was this truly how Virgil felt? What he thought about himself? How much of this was their fault?

“Logan.  C’mon, let’s get him out.” Roman, having managed to get control of his stomach had crawled on his hands and knees to the opposite end of the tub, keeping his gaze either on Logan or the tub itself, not the bloody water, not the bleeding, unmoving body of the Anxious trait. He couldn’t remember he had ever seen the Logical Side this frantically out of sorts, not even in their worst arguments or debates.

“Logan.” Roman said again, catching the other Side’s attention finally, dragging his gaze away from the motionless Virgil. “Help me get him out of the water, and you can get him breathing again. Focus on that for right now.”

Logan nodded wordlessly, adjusting his grip on Virgil’s upper body as Roman looped his arms under the unconscious Side’s knees and hips as the lifted him onto the towel in front of the tub, both of them ignoring the way the bloody water tinted their clothes and skin to match.

As soon as he was flat on the ground, Logan tilted Virgil’s body to the side, allowing the water in his mouth and throat to drain out onto the floor before placing him on his back. Then he plugged the Anxious Side’s nose and pressing his mouth to Virgil’s, doing four firm exhalations.

Pause. Nothing.

Four breaths.

Pause.

Nothing.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat, repeat, _repeat!_

Logan was about to panic when Virgil started coughing, blood-colored water bubbling down his chin and cheeks. The Logical Side rolled Virgil onto his side, allowing the water and bile to drain out of his mouth, throat, and lungs.

“Virgil!” Roman shouted as the coughing subsided.

Then Virgil went limp.

Swearing Logan rolled Virgil onto his back and felt for a pulse; it was there. Slower than it should have been, but far better than it was before, almost the low end of normal, and he was breathing on his own. He had, however, either never regained consciousness, or had passed out again.

Unable to avoid looking at the tattered chest of the Anxious Side any longer, Roman winced, his forehead creased in pain, his eyes transfixed at the scars, the words, and the fresh wounds. “How… how did we not know something was wrong with him?”

Logan took a couple of deep breaths. _Breathe. Focus on helping him. He most likely has a mild to severe case of hypothermia, because there’s no way to tell how long he was in the water, not to mention the wounds need to be stitched up. Listen to Roman. Panic later. At least Virgil’s breathing again. Take care of Virgil, protect Virgil._

“Let’s move him to my room.” Logan said firmly, mentally making plans and purposely avoiding the Creative Side’s question. “After we get him there go around and collect all of the first aid kits, including Thomas’, and let Thomas and Patton know… what we found.”

“Alright.” Roman agreed softly, trying to ignore the acid trying to crawl up the back of his throat as he watched Logan brush a wet strand of hair out of Virgil’s face.

_You did this to him!_

_You hit him! You hurt him!_

_You’re supposed to the be the chivalrous prince, the knight in shining armor who comes in and saves the day._

_You Doubted him; you let Deceit literally into your head!_

_He used you to break him!_

All of that blood…

The words.

The scars.

Roman cleared his head. “Should we carry him, or?”

Logan shook his head. “I… I don’t want to move him any more than I need to. Those w – ” his voice caught. “Those wounds… the cold water slowed his heart rate enough, I don’t want to do anything to make them worse. I need to get them stitched up as soon as possible.”

“Go.” Roman flapped his hand. “I’ll get all of the kits and get them to you before I got for Thomas and Patton. They’ll probably want to come and see him.”

Logan swallowed. “I know.” He whispered. “Just… tell them what to expect, will you? So they don’t panic when they… see.”

With a snap of his fingers, Logan vanished the two of them.

Roman found a well-stocked first aid kit under the sink, including suture material, making the Creative Side tear up.

_How many of those wounds had Virgil been forced to sew up on himself? How many of those wounds, those words, had he cut so deep that the options were to suture or to let himself pass out?_

_Maybe he had passed out, there’s no way to know.  
_

_Maybe he just bled out on the floor, or in the tub, or who knew where._

_Alone._

_It’s all your fault. You, and Logan, and Patton, and even Thomas. How could you think that your words, and your actions, weren’t hurting him?!_

No. Not right now. Get supplies to Logan, inform Thomas and Patton, and assist Logan. Freak out later.

He drained the tub before he left, snagging the black and purple sweatshirt the Anxious Side loved so much from the back of his desk chair before he left.

OoOoO

Logan arrived in his rooms, Virgil landing on the bed as he had planned. He fell to one knee, his hand slipping off of Virgil’s shoulder as the room spun.

Teleporting twice within minutes – was it really just mere minutes? – of each other wasn’t the best thing in the world, especially when he was taking someone else along with him.

But the other choices…

No.

The others didn’t really think he could conjure a whole lot. True, he wasn’t like Patton, who could summon notebooks and puppies, or Roman, who could conjure whole worlds, and swords, and dragon-witches.

But objects related to his knowledge? That he could do.

The first things Logan brought into reality were a couple of the shiny warming blankets, which he wrapped around Virgil’s extremities and chest (after he changed the other Side’s boxers with a snap of his fingers), followed by an IV pole, a bag of warm saline to start warming Virgil up from the inside, and an IV drip set complete with needle and tape.

Logan swallowed hard as he pressed down on Virgil’s upper arm, attempting to get the vein in his elbow to pop out enough for him to thread the needle into it, but there was barely a difference, thanks to the cold water restricting blood flow.

Miraculously, he managed to hit the vein on his second try.

After taping the needle and IV tubing onto Virgil’s skinny arm and wrapping it back up in the metallic warming blanket, he dashed into his bathroom and grabbed his fully-stocked first aid kit, ripping a pair of sterile gloves out of a package as soon as he reached the bed, followed by suture material connected to a crescent needle.

He used some of the alcohol wipes to clean off the deepest wound on the arm with the needle in it, which was already starting to bleed sluggishly before he started stitching up, just like in the medical books he’d read.

He was so focused on what he was doing with his hands he didn’t hear Roman arrive until he spoke.

“Is there anything I can do for you before I go and get Patton and Thomas?” Roman asked quietly, setting the other first aid kits on the bed, Virgil’s hoodie still clutched to his chest.

Logan nodded his head towards the kits without looking up from what he was doing. “Dig out some larger gauze pads, preferably telfa pads – those won’t stick to the wounds and be painful to remove, should he start to wake up. Do his chest and the other arm. They’ll help to prevent too much more blood loss until I can stitch them up.”

Roman folded the hoodie and placed it under the unconscious Side’s head before he tore into the kits, seeking the supplies Logan had requested and ripping the packages open. He carefully placed the pads over the worst of the wounds, pressing them firmly into place, mentally wincing when a few times he got blood on his skin.

_Not the first time his blood is on your hands, though, is it?_

Roman did he best to ignore the voice scolding and berating him in his head. Not wanting to disturb Logan when he was done placing the telfa pads, he silently left the room.

OoOoO

Roman rose up in Logan’s usual spot in Thomas’ house and found Patton and Thomas still in their Host’s living room, the TV still on mute. The Moral Side was sitting with his arm around Thomas’ shoulders, talking softly to him.

They looked up when Roman stepped around into their view.

“Oh, God. Is that – is that _blood?!_ ” Patton exclaimed, eyes wide as he stared at the blood on Roman’s skin and the pink tinge to his white shirt.

Roman looked from Patton’s face to Thomas, unable to make his mouth work to say anything.

Thomas shrugged off Patton’s arm and got to his feet, stepping around to stand in front of the Creative Side. “Something’s happened to Virgil, hasn’t it? Something bad.”

Roman nodded wordlessly, chewing on his lip as he tried to force his throat to work. “He… he was unconscious when we found him.” He whispered hoarsely.

“Logan already thought he was unconscious because of how Thomas was feeling.” Patton said from his spot on the sofa. Then he looked alarmed. “Ohh! Did Virgil fall and hit his head?!”

Thomas looked like he knew it was far more than that.

“No.” Roman replied, his voice shaking. “He… he was in the bathtub. He had…” Roman looked down at his stained shirt. “He had slit his arms open, Thomas.” A sob clawed its way out of his throat. “And he’d carved a word into his chest – and this wasn’t the first time he’d done so, either! So many cruel words…”

Thomas went white. “He… Virgil… he tried to - to kill himself?”

On the sofa, Patton had both hands clamped over his mouth, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Roman shrugged helplessly. “Fade, I guess, since as a part of you we can’t truly die. I – I don’t know! He was underwater and not breathing when we found him. Logan had to do CPR to get him breathing again, but he hasn’t woken up yet.”

“I want to see him.” Thomas said, his tone leaving no room for argument.

On the sofa, Patton nodded wordlessly, hands still clamped over his mouth.

Roman nodded, having expected as much. He shared a brief look with Patton before snapping his fingers and transporting them to the commons.

The trek up the stairs and down the hall was heavily silent. Even their footfalls seemed muffled, the silence was only broken apart by Patton’s sniffles.

The trio found Logan stitching up Virgil’s other arm, forehead creased in concentration as he worked, blood spotting his skin and shirt.

“Oh, my God…” Patton cried, turning to bury his face in Roman’s shirt, ignoring the blood as he clung to his lover, unable to go any further into the room than right inside the doorway.

Thomas wished he could do the same, but forced himself to go further inside, to face the destruction one of his Sides had caused another in such a horrible fashion.

Virgil, who was normally the palest out of the bunch, looked whiter than a fresh snowfall. His lips were tinged blue, and the veins on his neck stood out in the same color. The bags under his eyes – void of makeup – looked more like bruises than sleep deprivation. When he reached inside of the emergency blanket to take one of Virgil’s hands, the hand was cool, and the nails were similar to the color of his lips.

Finally, he forced himself to look at what Logan was doing.

He was starting to work on the first wound, the other two were hidden underneath some gauze pads, though a few dripping lines of blood were still oozing down, only to be wiped irritably up by Logan when they started to get in his way.

_And he’d carved a word into his chest – and this wasn’t the first time he’d done so, either! So many cruel words…_

Roman’s words echoed loudly in Thomas’ mind.

He didn’t want to look. God, he didn’t want to look.

But he knew he had to.

Taking a deep breath, Thomas lifted the blanket covering the Anxious Side’s chest with his free hand, refusing to let the cold hand out of his own grasp.

There was so much blood…

The bloody word

**_Goodbye_ **

glared accusingly up at Thomas, surrounded by other abusive words and healed wounds from who knew what.

He didn’t _want_ to know what.

OoOoO

Logan could feel sweat dripping down his back, but he ignored it.

He had to help Virgil.

He had to.

Otherwise…

He brushed the thought away.

No. Not now.

Panic later.

He wasn’t used to suppressing panic. He’d helped Thomas through panicked episodes, as well as Virgil the rare times the Anxious Side allowed himself to be seen at a weak moment.

But not himself.

Every few stitches, he had to look up at Virgil’s chest, assuring himself that the man he… cared… for was still breathing, still with them, still _alive._

But he was Fading.

He could tell by the color of his skin, the fact his heart still was beating so sluggishly.

If… if Virgil Faded, and Logan was unable to tell him…

Tell him…

He couldn’t even think the words in the privacy of his own mind, couldn’t admit what he wanted to tell the other Side…

Logan was afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> I'm on Tumblr: the-doctors-hufflepuff


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: reference to self harm, suicide idealization

By the time Logan had moved on to suturing the wounds on Virgil’s chest, Roman had convinced Patton to return to the commons to prepare some food for the rest of them – not that any of them had an appetite, but in order to keep their strength up and keep watch over the Anxious Side, they would need to eat at least something. Roman had disappeared sometime after that, but Logan hadn’t noticed, and didn’t feel up for questioning Thomas if he knew where the Creative Side went; their Host was staring with great focus at the Anxious Side, as if he willed it strong enough then he could will the other man back to them as he relayed what had happened when he summoned Deceit.

Virgil’s lips and fingernails had changed from white-blue to white-pink, thanks to a combination of the warming blankets and warm fluids, the temperature kept up by Logan’s touch every so often. His skin was still deathly pale and quite cool to the touch, and his heart rate remained unchanged. Logan kept the warming blankets wrapped tightly around Virgil. As soon as he could, he’d wrap them both up; shared body heat would help even more. And maybe the feeling of being held would reach Virgil, show him he was loved, and to come back.

“Is… Is there anything I can do to help, Logan?” Thomas asked quietly, breaking the Logical Side out of his thoughts.

Logan finished tying off the stitch he was currently working on before he looked up at their Host. “No. Not… not that I can think of.” He paused. “Actually, perhaps you should return to your apartment for now and – ”

“No!” Thomas interrupted, shaking his head vehemently. “I’m not leaving him.”

Logan pursed his lips. “I think you should call Joan and Talyn. They’re both Manifesters like yourself, are they not? They could help. And with Talyn’s computer skills, perhaps they have access to a deep-web group for Manifesters not monitored by the government where you could also ask for advice on how we can help Virgil?”

God knew they didn’t want to draw attention to themselves. Being a Manifester under the control of the government was not a fun place to be.

Slowly, Thomas nodded. “They… they are.” He brushed some hair away from Virgil’s face. “I know you’re right. I… I just… I don’t know how to tell them.”

“They each have their own Anxious Side as well, Thomas.” Roman said, reappearing from the commons with a bucket of warm, soapy water and a couple of washcloths. “They’ll understand. And they were here when Deceit showed up.” He placed a hand on Thomas’ shoulder. “We’ll keep you updated on any changes, I promise.”

“I’ll come with you, Thomas.” Patton said as he set down a tray chock full of a variety of sandwiches – peanut butter and jelly, grilled cheese, BLT, ham and cheese, peanut butter and honey – onto Logan’s desk. He avoided looking at the bed and the still body of his dark son. “I – I’m not going to do any good here.”

Thomas squeezed Virgil’s hand, reluctant to let go; he had a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. While there was still the invisible barrier between himself and his anxious feelings, it didn’t mean he didn’t care about the Sides, including Virgil. Was Virgil too Faded out to come back? Was he in pain? Could they still save him?

They had to.

Roman dragged Logan’s bedside table out away from the wall, setting the bucket of water on it so it was handier. “We’re not going to leave him alone, Thomas, not even for a moment. I promise.”

Their Host nodded, not looking up as he slowly got to his feet. “If there are any changes, no matter how small, come and get me immediately, please.”

Logan reached out to cover Thomas’ hand with his own in a rare show of emotion but stopped when everyone’s eyes fixed on the blood smeared on the gloves. “We will, Thomas.”

Patton silently linked arms with Thomas and pulled the other up next to him before sinking out, leaving Roman and Logan with a sad smile before disappearing.

As soon as he was sure they were out of earshot, Roman turned to Logan. “Do you really think Talyn will be able to connect us with someone who can have answers?”

The Logical Side shrugged without looking up from the latest stitch he was working on. “If anyone can do that, it’s them, they are very gifted with computers, beyond the simple – ok, well not so simple – computer skills that both Talyn and Joan use to help make all of Thomas’ videos.” He cut the suture material and moved onto the next stitch. “Neither of them are currently at Thomas’ strength level, but they could very well someday soon. He needs their support until we can get Virgil back.”

Roman dipped one of the washcloths into the warm water and started wiping away the crusted-on bloody water which was still clinging to Virgil’s skin. “Do you think we will get him back?” he asked softly.

“We have to.” Said Logan fiercely.

Despite the situation, a corner of Roman’s mouth quirked up before dropping back into a frown. “Not just for Thomas, am I right?”

Logan looked up and glared at the Creative Side. “Virgil doesn’t deserve this!” he spat. “This is our fault, and not just the latest catastrophe with Deceit.” He motioned to the words and scars carved into Virgil’s chest. “This has been going on for fucking _years_ , and we didn’t notice, we didn’t reach out to help him! Goodness knows we’re the reason some of these words and scars are here, Roman! _We_ did this to him!”

Roman reached over and grasped Logan’s forearm. “I know, Logan. We’re all guilty of not noticing, not realizing we were wounding him so awfully. But that isn’t what I meant.”

Confusion clouded the anger on Logan’s face. “What are you talking about, Roman?”

Roman smiled sadly. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice before – at least in regards to your feelings.”

“I don’t do feelings, remember?”

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Then what do you call yelling at me just now?”

Logan’s mouth opened to retort, but stopped. “I – I don’t know.”

“You can still be the Logical Side and still have feelings, Logan.” Roman told him. “And not just for our Host.”

“Dunno what you’re trying to imply.” Logan muttered, gently yanking his arm out of Roman’s grasp and returning to stitching up the second ‘o’ in **_Goodbye_** _._

Roman went back to cleaning the blood off of Virgil. “Sure you don’t.”

Logan ignored Roman’s comment, scowling down at the wounds on Virgil’s chest. “I want to _destroy_ Deceit!” he snarled, his hands starting to shake with his rage. “He manipulated and used us to take Virgil away. He made us – he made us _hurt_ Virgil.”

Roman continued with the gentle cleaning. “We will, Logan. He’ll pay for this.”

OoOoO

In the end, after Patton situated him on the couch, Thomas found he couldn’t make himself actually call his friends, and was only able to send a text to Joan.

[11:17AM] Joan… I’m sorry. I need you and Talyn ASAP. 911.

The reply came less than a minute later.

 ** [11:18AM] ** ** On our way. Hang on!**

“They’re on their way.” Thomas said, setting his phone on the seat beside him.

“That’s good, kiddo.” Patton said bracingly and attempted to smile in support, though he knew he wasn’t fooling Thomas. “They should be able to help.”

Thomas sighed, slouching against the back of the couch. “I hope so,” he said quietly, wrapping his arms around himself. “otherwise I don’t know what we’ll do. We need him back…”

Grabbing the previously abandoned weighted blanket from the far side of the couch, Patton draped it over Thomas. “We will, Thomas. We’ll find a way. And in the meantime, at least you’re not as…off-kilter… as when Virgil decided to ‘duck out’ for your own good.”

“I’d take that over this!” Thomas snapped, curling up under the blanket. “I’d take _anything_ over knowing he’s for all intents and purposes _dying!_ It’s Virgil! He may not be important to you, but he is to me!”

Patton waved his hands. “Nononono!!” he shifted from foot to foot. “I merely meant that you’re… you. You and us are able to focus on helping Virgil and not also worrying about you. No offense, Thomas.” Then he froze and glared at Thomas. “And Virgil is important to me, too!”

Thomas swallowed the anger clawing at him. Patton was right. He knew the other Sides cared about Virgil, too. He shouldn’t have lashed out so. “Sorry, Pat.” He muttered, looking away.

A knock on the door stopped anything Patton might have said in reply. Waving for Thomas to stay on the sofa, Patton peered through the peephole before opening the door. “Joan, Talyn. Thank you for coming so quickly.”

They must have been speeding, or had been in the area. They arrived a lot quicker than the drive from their house.

Thomas’ friends eyed him curiously; Thomas never allowed any of the Sides answer the door.

“Patton?” Joan asked in confusion as they stepped inside, followed by Talyn lugging their computer bag (thank goodness). “Is something wrong with Thomas?”

Patton pointed to the sofa. “He’s over there.” He locked the door behind them.

Talyn was eyeing him with concern. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so serious.” Then they caught sight of Thomas. “Thomas! Are you sick?”

Thomas forced himself to sit up. “No… not exactly.” He shared a look with Patton.

“Are… one of the others sick?” asked Joan as they sat down next to their friend, brows furrowed in confusion and worry.

Thomas shook his head, chewing on his lip and unable to answer as he played with the hem of the blanket pooling around his lap.

Talyn took a seat on the other side of Thomas. “Thomas?” they asked softly. “What’s wrong? When we got your message we were worried you’d been… found out.”

Something the three of them lived in fear of daily.

“No.” Thomas replied, unable to look up as he shook his head. “I’d have told you guys to stay away if that were the case.”

When it was painfully obvious to Patton Thomas wasn’t going to be able to put their current situation into words, the Moral Side said, “Have either of you had or heard of someone else’s Sides purposely try and Fade?”

Talyn’s hands flew to their mouth; Joan swore. “We’ve spoken directly with three online. Two here in America, the other in Wales.”

“What happened?” Thomas asked, finally looking up. “Did any of them have a Side that came back?”

Joan and Talyn shared a look. “One of them was, yes.” Talyn told the others. “The one in Wales. Her Anxious Side finally came back and the other Sides were able to convince her to stay.” Then their colorful eyebrows shut up their forehead. “Virgil?”

Patton nodded silently, tears threatening to leak out of his eyes as he listened to their story.

“What happened to the other two?” Thomas asked.

“One was their Creative Side; their Host’s parents were forcing them into going to school to be a lawyer.” Joan said. “The other was another Anxious Side. They refused to believe they were a Manifester and started to take anti-anxiety meds, but none they tried would work. To take care of their Host, they chose to Fade. For that Host it took finding out their older sister was also a Manifester to realize that it wasn’t all just a figment of their imagination.”

Thomas dropped his head into his hands. “So we just have to wait and hope Virgil _decides_ to wake up?”

Talyn bit their lip. “Well, the Anxious Side of the Wales Manifester was also very shy, but she did let slip that she was mildly aware while she was Faded, though she wasn’t very clear on if it was from her body, or if she was more of a ghost, able to roam around and listen and watch away from her body.”

“So Virgil may be listening right now to us?” Patton asked excitedly.

“Maybe. It’s impossible to tell.”

Patton’s face fell.

Thomas sighed heavily. “Given… how he Faded, and what we now know of his past, I don’t think Virgil will _want_ to come back. He might just believe it’s all just Deceit’s lies, if he is listening.”

Joan and Talyn both scowled; they’d both been present when the Dark Side had appeared to Thomas for the first time. Neither of them had like him.

“Wait, what led up to this happening?” Talyn asked, looking between Thomas and Patton. “I thought Virgil was doing well fitting in with the others.”

“He was!” Thomas exclaimed. “He was doing fine until Deceit found out that he was fitting in and getting on with the others.”

“Deceit was not happy.” Patton added sullenly. “Asshole.”

Everyone blinked at the sudden use of bad language from the Paternal Side.

Patton continued, “Deceit found a way to make us all Dream-Walk, and attack Virgil in ways Virgil would believe from each of us, pushing him away, accusing him of being in league with Deceit. Roman even ‘dreamed’ he physically attacked Virgil.”

“And… he really did? For real?!” Joan demanded. “How did Deceit manage to get into your heads?!”

Patton flushed. “Because we all slightly were worried that Deceit and Virgil had known each other before Virgil became a true Side – we Doubted him. I guess… I guess you could say we were all somewhat worried that the reappearance of the Lying Side would either trigger Virgil to leave… or that he had been a plant.”

“That’s stupid.” Joan informed the Moral Side. “Even I can tell he loves all of you, and would rather Fade than betray you.” They cocked their head. “Is that what happened?”

“No.” growled Thomas, unable to hold it in anymore. “Virgil, on top of being my Anxiety, also has his own anxiety and depression. Deceit using the others to push him away, to tell him that they hated him, that they didn’t trust him… it was the final straw.”

“If he was human, he’d be dead, wouldn’t he.” Talyn said it as a statement, not a question.

Thomas nodded, trying to keep himself from crying. “He slit his arms open.” he whispered. “He has scars all over his body, guys. He’s been hurting himself for _years_. And he’s been carving words into his chest, too.”

Joan looped an arm around Thomas’ shoulders and pulled him in close. “I’m sorry, man.” They whispered. “What can we do to help?”

Thomas leaned his head against his friends’. “I – well, we – were hoping you could put us in touch with other Manifesters who’d had similar situations, but from what you guys just told us…”

Talyn started digging their laptop out of its bag. “That’s just ones I’ve spoken to before, Thomas. I’ll get on the site and post in the forum, ask for help. Do I have your permission to give out the details of the situation?”

Thomas nodded silently.

“If you need to know anything from our end of things, just ask.” Patton told them. “We want Verge back.”

OoOoO

This wasn’t how he’d expected Fading to be.

Loud.

Painful.

Heavy.

Oppressive.

Virgil had expected to feel… well, to _not_ feel anything at all.

It felt like he had at least a dozen weighted blankets on top of him – or maybe it would be more accurate to say it felt like his bones were weighed down.

Or both.

He could feel the biting cold of his still body in the water, completely enveloping him, freezing him from the outside in, seeping into the wounds, working its way from his lungs to meet the cold from the outside.

He could feel the burning pain of the wounds on his arms and chest.

He could feel the suffocating feeling of his lungs completely filled with water.

Drowning all of that out, however, was the searing pain of knowing he wasn’t wanted. To be honest, he had to wonder if he really ever had been.

And God knew he had never been loved.

Those two thoughts tore him up inside, shredding him far more than he had ever done to himself and leaving him more broken each time he mentally relived his last interactions with Roman:

  
**_“So you admit it; you know him. Figures._** _ **Dark Sides**_ ** _have to stick together, don’t they?” He struck Virgil again, sending the other Side to the floor. “If you think I’m going to just stand back and let you and your disgusting friend hurt the others, hurt Thomas, you’re wrong!”_**

**_“I recommend you reconsider your priorities and stay away from us!”_ **

With Patton:

**_“You’re not teaming up with him, are you?”_ **

**_“Well, technically kiddo you_ ** **are _a Dark Side.”_**

**_“Maybe it would be best if you didn’t come up here for awhile.”_ **

With Logan. _Especially_ with Logan.

“Your severe dislike for Deceit merely a ploy, a ruse to get you further embedded amongst me, Patton, and Roman, isn’t it? He’s having you be the Trojan Horse to get into Thomas and tturn him ** _Dark. I can see that now.”_ **

**_“And then there was your more personal tactic. Your pathetic little attempt at subterfuge.”_ **

**_“I’m talking about your miserable delusion of romantic attraction towards me.”_ **

**_“Like I would_  ** **ever** **_reciprocate.”_ **

**_“You_** **disgust** **_me.”_ **

**_“You’re plotting to harm us, to harm_** _ **Thomas** _ **_, and then you go and delude yourself into thinking you could flutter your eyelashes like some Disney Princess and distract me enough to allow Deceit and who knows who else more access to Thomas? You’re woefully misinformed.”_ **

**_“Like_  ** _ **anyone** _**_who wasn’t Dark could ever care about something as_ ** _**tainted** _ **_as you.”_ **

**_“You’d better keep to your promises about being gone,_ ** _**Anxiety** _ **_.”_ **

His mind went through those last interactions, over and over and over, each time driving more nails into his heart.

Part of him wished he hadn’t Faded out quite so fast.

He’d give anything to be able to cut himself again, something else to feel besides… _this_.

**Ahh, but you don’t deserve relief from this pain, do you?**

Wonderful. Even Faded the Voice was still present.

**Like I would ever truly leave you? I’m _your_ anxiety and depression.**

**You deserve their hatred, their rage, their despise.**

**You broke their trust in you.**

**This is all your fault.**

_But… I didn’t_ do _anything…_

**Exactly.**

**They hate you. They will _never_ forgive you, never love you, never even come looking for you, you do know that, right? You’re just going to hover here, Fading, in pain, for the rest of Thomas’ life. You will lose your mind, eventually. All because you’re Dark, and you fell for the Light. You – **

The Voice cut itself off suddenly.

Then Virgil felt something he had never expected to feel.

Hands. Hands pulling his upper body up and out of the water, and into someone’s arms. Into their warm, warm embrace.

A hand touched his face before moving to his neck, seeking a pulse.

“ _Virgil!_ Virgil, open your eyes!”

Logan?

No. It couldn't be.

Well, this was unexpected.

He was slipping into madness already. He’d expected to last several days before that happened.

“Oh, God. Virgil, no… please…”

A sob.

Yup. Definitely going mad.

Logan hated him.

Logan wouldn’t ever cry, least of all over something like _him_.

“Logan. Help me get him out of the water, and you can get him breathing again. Focus on that for right now.”

He was hallucinating Roman, too?

Virgil felt his body being lifted out of the tub and into the bathroom floor. Someone rolled his body onto his side, and he could vaguely feel water drain out of his mouth.

Then someone’s lips were on his. Someone was trying to get him to breathe.

Logan.

He had dreamed about being able to kiss Logan. Occasionally. When he let himself.

This hallucination was far better than any of that.

“C’mon, c’mon…”

Over and over and over the hallucination tried to get him to breathe.

Then his lungs seized and his body forced himself to cough (and vomit) the water he had purposely inhaled.

“Virgil!” the faux Roman shouted as hands rolled him onto his side again, letting the water and bile empty itself out onto the floor.

Thankfully, he didn’t wake.

He didn’t want to have to face his hallucinations.

He didn’t want to find out they actually _were_ hallucinations.

**What if they aren’t hallucinations?**

If Virgil he been able to, he would have raised an eyebrow at the Voice. _And what else would they be, other than hallucinations? They sure as Hell aren’t real._

**Maybe it’s Deceit. Wouldn’t be the first time he’s played with you.**

Virgil felt ill. He hadn’t thought of that.

Now he really hoped they were hallucinations.

 _Anything_ over it being Deceit.

He could feel two sets of hands on him, one set holding his upper body again, and the other had a hand on his ankle. That gave him hope that it wasn’t Deceit: Deceit couldn’t conjure people.

At least, not that he knew of.

“How did we not know something was wrong with him?” Pseudo-Roman sounded upset, serious. Very not like the dramatic Creative Side.

Pseudo-Logan didn’t answer at first. “Let’s move him to my room.” He completely ignored the other Side’s question. “After we get him there go around and collect all of the first aid kits, including Thomas’, and let Thomas and Patton know… what we found.”

Pseudo-Roman’s thumb was rubbing circles again his ankle. “Alright.”

Pseudo-Logan brushed a strand of damp hair away from Virgil’s forehead, seemingly tender and gentle.

If this was a hallucination, then Virgil – still in screaming, aching amounts of pain – would take this over the blessed dark oblivion he’d been hoping for just minutes before.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!! I'm back, and will try not to wait so long before I update again! Between work, life, computer crashing, and being sick... yeah. lol.
> 
> Trigger Warning: References to self-harm/wounds, suicide, and verbal/emotional abuse.

Logan could tell Roman was becoming more and more upset as he cleaned the stains from Virgil’s skin, especially when he reached the blooming bruises which blotted themselves across the Anxious Side’s side and ribs, a result of their second to last interaction the night before.

Logan couldn’t blame him – as a matter of fact, he did; he blamed all of them, himself included. If they hadn’t Doubted Virgil, then Deceit wouldn’t have been able to get into their minds and play with them like puppets, using them to punish Virgil for standing up for himself and choosing the leave the treacherous Dark Side and help Thomas.

But that hadn’t been the only ‘sin’ Deceit had laid at Virgil’s door.

No, the Anxious Side had also become friends with them.

And because the four of them had dismissed Virgil’s own anxiety and depression as being their Host’s Anxious Side and not even stopping or bothering to even stop and consider that it might not just be Thomas’s, but his own as well.

And now Virgil was Fading. He was cold, thin, unmoving, bloody, and broken.

He was leaving them.

He was leaving _him._

Logan’s spiraling thoughts were cut off when Roman threw the cloth angrily into the bucket, sloshing pink water onto the nightstand to drip onto the floor, his eyes fixed on the bruises standing out with sharp contrast against Virgil’s pale skin.

“Roman?” Logan asked cautiously. “Is everything… ok?”

Roman finally tore his gaze away from the bruises to glare at Logan. “No.” he said shortly. “And I don’t know if they ever will be.” He got to his feet. “I’m going to go and check on Thomas and Patton, see if they, Talyn, and Joan have come up with anything.”

 “Ok.” Logan nodded. “Could you do me one favor before you go?”

Roman pursed his lips. “What?”

“Could you return to Virgil’s rooms and bring me his phone and the wireless speaker? Perhaps…” he paused. “Perhaps hearing something familiar will aide him in returning to us.”

The tension drained from the Creative Side’s face. “Sure thing, Four-Eyes.”

Logan was able to finish bandaging the last of Virgil’s wounds just as Roman returned carrying the requested, moving the bucket from the nightstand and wiping the remaining drops of water off the surface with his sleeve, not really seeming to notice when it stained his white cuff. “Anything else, Logan?”

“Just… keep me updated on what’s being discussed, will you? Patton hasn’t returned yet. I just hope he hasn’t come here yet because they haven’t found anything solid or negative yet.” Logan dragged his eyes away from Virgil’s face. “Let me know. One way, or the other. Good or bad. I want to know what’s being found out.”

Roman clapped a hand to Logan’s shoulder. “I’ll keep you up to date, Logan. I promise.”

Logan forced himself to clean up, bagging bloody gauze, bits of suture material (some attached to crescent needles), and used alcohol wipes before vanishing them with a soft snap of his fingers.

A touch of his hand warmed the fluids still flowing into Virgil’s veins.

Carefully, he removed the warming blankets from the Anxious Side’s extremities, doing his best to keep himself clinical as he rubbed the flesh and eyed the finger- and toe-nails, satisfied to note their color was pinker than the last time he had checked. But despite that, he still… he still looked bad. Dark veins showing deep contrast with his pale skin, and the bruises from Roman were growing almost black. He was also so thin…

Thomas was lean, they all were. But Virgil… he looked like he hadn’t been eating properly for a long while. His decrease in weight and fat on his body had cooled his core temperature in that tub a lot quicker than if he had been the same weight as the rest of them. When he woke up, he’d make sure Virgil ate with them on a far more regular basis.

**Don’t you mean _if_ he wakes up?**

Logan grit his teeth until his jaw ached. “Shut up,” he hissed, worry and panic finally overcoming his ability to keep a cool head and be able to tell the difference between his mind being logical and the niggling worry that Deceit was still whispering in his ear through the seed of Doubt he had planted.

**Why? Afraid I’m right? Afraid you’ve lost him before you could confess to him? Do you think he’d even believe you after what Deceit made you and the others do?**

The wording gave the Logical Side hope that it was his own mind and not Deceit.

**Why would you need Deceit to feed your fear when you have more than enough of your own?**

True.

“We’ll find a way to reach him.” Logan growled, looking down at Virgil’s face, his hand on the other Side’s cheek. “We’ll find a way to bring Virgil back. We’ll find a way to reach you, Verge. I just hope you’ll believe us.”

Turning to Virgil’s phone, Logan opened the music app and selected ‘Frequently Played Music’ – probably dark, PG-13 music, but perhaps it would help him understand the Anxious Side better in addition to being something familiar to Virgil. Anything that might help.

While the first song started to play, Logan fetched the two spare blankets from his closet, returning to drape them over Virgil’s body, fuzzy one first and then a weighted blanket. Then he stripped himself down to his boxers, wanting as much skin contact with Virgil as possible before lifting the other man’s light body into a slouched sitting position, maneuvering the pillows so he could sit upright with Virgil against his chest.

As he got settled, Logan murmured, “We need you to come back, V. I… I need you to. I have things I need to tell you, things I should’ve told you a while ago.” He wrapped his arms around Virgil, tucking the other Side’s head on his shoulder under his chin. “Please… I have so much to tell you. I don’t know where you are, if you can hear me, or if you’re lost in darkness, or something else.” He paused. “I want to help, but I don’t know how, and if you won’t let us, let me… I don’t know what to do.”

_I've so much more to tell you/We're running out of time/It's dark and dangerous treading oceans in your mind/Up all night, I held your hand/While you wandered in the dark/You know I can't make you better/When all you want to be is lost_

Logan whipped his head around to glare suspiciously at Virgil’s phone, but it merely showed it was currently playing a song by Icon for Hire titled ‘War’, with another song by them up next called ‘Under the Knife’.

OoOoO

Virgil could hear Roman and Logan conversing on and off, but couldn’t find the energy or will to focus on the hallucinations. When they went silent it was almost a relief, even if it seemed the texture and give of what he was laying on changed from a towel on linoleum to what he guessed was a bed.

After a while – he wasn’t sure how long – he felt a prick on his inner elbow, and something being stuck to the skin there. After that, he could feel thin possibly blanket things being wrapped around his arms, legs, and chest. He could feel them sticking to his wounds, tacky with blood as he body seemed to be slowly warming up.

Then there was more pain, oddly focused with almost needle-like precision.

Needle…

Someone was stitching up his wounds.

Who? Was he still hallucinating Logan finding and saving him? He had to be.

Roman’s voice issued a query, but he still couldn’t focus enough to catch the words themselves.

Logan gave a reply, something about preventing blood loss.

Virgil could still feel the needle gliding in and out of the skin of his arm, and the tug of knots being made – Logan – but now someone else was unwrapping his arms from the odd blankets and gently pressing cloths to his wounds before re-wrapping them.

What was going on?

He floated for some time again., barely aware of the continued pain of being stitched up, or someone taking his hand in their own.

It was an exclamation from a voice sounding like Thomas that finally allowed him to focus again.

“ – ’m not leaving him!”

“I think you should call Joan and Talyn.” Came Logan’s firm reply. “They’re both Manifesters like yourself, are they not? They could help. And with Talyn’s computer skills, perhaps they have access to a deep-web group for Manifesters not monitored by the government where you could also ask for advice on how we can help Virgil?”

Help? Help… him? Why?

Why did they want to help him after what they had said? Why were they trying to save him when they had made it clear they wanted him gone, for good?

**You’re still hallucinating, duh.**

Great. His anxiety and depression were back.

**I never left. Speaking of leaving, you’re right. Why would they be trying to help you after the last twenty-four hours? Oh wait, that’s right, they wouldn’t! You’re just dreaming, hallucinating everything you could never have as you Fade further and further away from reality.**

The others were still talking.

“ – understand. And they were here when Deceit showed up.” Roman was saying. “We’ll keep you updated on any changes, I promise.”

Who? Who would understand? Talyn and Joan? Why would he hallucinate them?

“I’ll come with you, Thomas.” Patton said sadly. “I – I’m not going to do any good here.”

Virgil winced at the pain in the fatherly Side’s voice before remembering that it wasn’t really Patton.

It was just his mind creating a painful dream, a vivid, deadly nightmare that he would never wake from.

He was losing focus. Even if they were fake, all made up in his head, at least he could still hear their voices, something besides the yelling of their last interactions.

Even if they weren’t real, he’d take this over… what had happened.

“Do you really think Talyn will be able to connect us with someone who can have answers?” Roman asked quietly, apparently having stayed with Logan and Virgil.

Something soft, wet, and comfortably warm was wiping his skin as if cleaning it.

 “If anyone can do that, it’s them, they are very gifted with computers, beyond the simple – ok, well not so simple – computer skills that both Talyn and Joan use to help make all of Thomas’ videos.” Logan replied. “Neither of them are currently at Thomas’ strength level, but they could very well someday soon. He needs their support until we can get Virgil back.”

Roman was silent for a time. “Do you think we will get him back?”

“We have to!” came Logan’s reply, hard and harsh even as his hands were gentle as they continued stitching up Virgil’s wounds.

Virgil’s shock at the vehemence in Logan’s voice made Virgil almost lose his concentration and grip on what he was hearing and feeling, and it took him several heartbeats to regain what he had lost.

Why did any of them – especially Logan – care so much?

**Hallucination.**

Virgil knew it was true, but a small, small sliver of himself wondered.

“ – can still be the Logical Side and still have feelings, Logan.” Roman was saying to Logan. “And not just for our Host.”

Virgil felt his heart drop.

What?

No.

He lost the connection, and didn’t even bother to try and get it back.

Everything, their voices, the pain… it all faded to blackness.

OoOoO

Roman rose up in Thomas’s living room to find Thomas, Patton, and Joan perched on the couch around Talyn and their computer as they typed, fingers drilling fast and hard against the keys, their forehead creased, lip clenched between their teeth.

“What have you found?” Roman asked as he found a spot next to Patton sitting on the back of the couch.

Patton shrugged, leaning against the Creative Side. “Some, but not a lot. One had her Anxiety try and Fade, but the other Sides were able to reach her and convince her to come back.”

Roman slung an arm around Patton’s shoulders. “How did they reach her?”

“It appears she was mildly aware of her body and what was being said and going on around it when she attempted to Fade.”

Roman’s eyebrows shot up. “So Virgil could be aware that we found him, and hear us talking to him?”

Thomas answered, “It’s possible.” He was frowning, chewing on his lip unconsciously. “But that Anxious Side only Faded, she didn’t… do what Virgil did. How is he?”

“Unchanged,” Roman said, slumping against the wall as he typed out a short update text to Logan and hit send. “The color of his lips and nails are pinker than when you and Pat left, but no movement or anything.”

“Woah,” Talyn’s startled exclamation made them all jump as they typed even faster.

“What is it?”

Talyn’s eyebrows were raised high on their forehead. “Someone with some mad computer skills just private messaged me without a request through the site. They had a situation where their Anxiety attempted to Fade through suicide.” Their mouth fell open. “They… they sent one of the other Sides into the Fading Side’s mind to find them.”

“What – How is that possible?” Thomas turned to Roman and Patton. “Can that happen? Can you guys do that?”

Roman and Patton shook their heads as the Creative Side answered, “No. Not that I’ve heard of.” He pulled out his cell phone. “Let me ask Logan.”

** Roman: Hey Logan, can we enter each other’s minds the way Thomas can enter our Mindscapes? **

**_Logan: No. Because our Mindscapes are a part of Thomas, even though he is a Manifester, they’re a part of him, just as we are._ **

**_Logan: Why?_ **

** Roman: Hang on. Talyn’s talking to someone. Same situation as us. **

“Logan says no we can’t. How did they do it?” Roman asked.

“Is it possible this person is with the Government?” Joan asked before Talyn could answer, concerned lacing their voice.

Talyn paused. “It’s _possible_ , but any time an agent has attempted to contact me, the alerts in my system have flagged it.”

“Well, you did say this person had mad skills.” Joan pointed out.

“They got around the privacy settings of the website, but not my alerts.” They replied. “If they’d tried, we’d know, trust me.”

The Manifester/hack sent a lengthy reply, detailing how their friend, who was a Manifester as well as a Mage, had been able to send their Moral side into their Anxious Side’s mind.

“I don’t know a Mage.” Thomas whispered, fists clenched as panic clawed its way up his throat. “They’re even more underground than us Manifesters are.” He swallowed. “Oh, God. Virgil…”

Joan and Talyn shared a look.

“Do you know a Mage who’d help us?” Patton demanded.

“Do you think they’d be willing to help?” Thomas asked, looking from one of his friends to the other. “Please, tell them there’s no way I’d turn them in. Tell them I need help - ” he looked at Patton and Roman. “that we need help. _Please_ , guys…”

“They’ll help.” Talyn said after a long look with Joan, who was still looking unsure.

“Don’t you need to ask them first?” asked Roman.

Talyn shook their head. “No. I know they will.”

“How?”

They took a deep breath, curling in on themselves slightly, hunched over the keyboard. “Because… because in addition to being a Manifester like you guys, I’m also a Mage.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG an update! :D enjoy! and don't kill me....
> 
> Trigger Warning: mention of self harm/wounds, suicide idealization

Thomas and the present Sides stared, open-mouthed, at their friend, who still seemed slightly wary of their reactions to their statement.

Joan, on the other hand, looked ready to take them all on single-handedly if the need arose to defend the colorful-haired Manifester… and Mage.

“You… you’re _both?!_ ” Thomas finally managed to ask, eyebrows almost vanishing under his fading purple fringe (once everything was back to normal – well, as normal as things could be for him/them – he really needed to recolor it). “Being a Manifester is rare enough, but to be both…” he trailed off as he finally noticed both of his friends were fighting their fight or flight response.

So did Patton and Roman.

Not that Talyn, as a Mage, couldn’t’ve knocked them all silly (or worse) to get away, but it didn’t seem like they wanted to hurt Thomas and the Sides.

“Oh! Hey, don’t worry about us telling _anyone_ about you!” Patton flung himself onto Talyn in a wild hug. “We love you guys, and there’s no way we’d ever report you, no matter what!”

Talyn returned the embrace after a moment’s hesitation. “Thanks, guys.” They replied. “The main reason I didn’t tell you was because I didn’t want to add a target to your backs. It’s bad enough being a Manifester with Manifester friends. Add Mage to that…” they trailed off.

“Not to mention being a Mage, or both, and being reported will save the Manifester who reported them.” Joan added quietly. “We have to erase someone’s memory when they found out and were going to report Talyn because the government was closing in on them.”

“So you Obliviated them? Cool!” Roman asked excitedly. “Just like Lockhart in Year Two!”

That broke the heavy mood.

“Trust Roman to make a Harry Potter reference.” Patton said, looking up at his boyfriend lovingly.

Thomas smiled but kept his focus on his friends, mainly Talyn. “Talyn,” he said softly, “Not even to save ourselves would we turn you in – either of you for that matter – for being fellow Manifesters or being a Mage. Not ever.”

Talyn managed a small smile. “I know. But knowing about me also puts you in danger. I didn’t want to do that to you guys.”

Patton clamped a hand over Roman’s mouth right before the Fanciful Side could speak. “I – lgshgs”

Thomas raised an eyebrow in silent question.

“Lion King reference, I believe.” Patton replied, before turning his attention to Roman. “Now isn’t the time, Roman!” he hissed. “Learn when to keep a serious situation serious!”

Roman nodded in either understanding or agreement, though Patton still waited a few moments before removing his hand.

A ding from Talyn’s computer signaled another lengthy message from the Mage-Manifester.

“It’s directions for how to send one Side into another Side’s Unconscious.” Talyn told the others. “It’s… actually rather simple. Just a form of astral projection, but guided by the Mage.”

“Can you do it?” Thomas asked hopefully.

Talyn nodded. “I even have all of the supplies I need.” They looked at Patton and Roman. “One of you needs to go and bring Logan and Virgil here. I’ll get everything set up while you’re gone.”

Roman sprang to his feet. “I’ll go get them. Be right back!” and he was gone.

Talyn set the laptop onto Joan’s lap before reaching for their laptop bag, and opening the zippered portion, reaching inside.

Their whole arm disappeared.

Talyn looked up at Patton and Thomas, grinning at their dumbfounded looks. “Before you ask, yes I got the idea from Hermoine’s bag in the seventh book.” They pulled out four stones and handed them to Patton. “These are Moonstones. One of Moonstone’s properties is veiling and concealing. Place one in each of the far corners of the apartment” – they pointed at the two closest ones – “they will provide a shield against – well, everything.”

Next came candles – red for love, blue for protection, peace, and astral projection, and silver for telepathy.

More stones followed the candles, including Flourite to banish depression, clear Quartz for clarity and healing, and blue calcite for grounding and internal peace.

The last to be removed was a flat stone dish, and a bundle of herb tie together with white string.

Talyn touched a finger to the tip of the bundle, setting to smoldering. “This is sage and lavender. The sage aids with protection, and the lavender with protection and love.” They set the still-smoldering herbs onto the dish, filling the room with a sweet-bitter scent. “Once Roman brings Logan and Virgil, we’ll be ready.”

OoOoO

_And the hardest part in all of this/is I don't think I know my way back home/Is it worth the journey or/do I let my heart settle here_

Logan tightened his arms around Virgil’s thin frame. “Come back home to us, V.” he murmured. “Come back to _me_. Please, Virgil…”

_And the hardest part in all of this is/I know my way back/I don't want to go/And let you see all that has become of me_

“I don’t care!” Logan hissed fiercely, pressing his cheek again the side of the Anxious Side’s head, his lips against his ear. “I – I love you, damn it! I don’t care about everything else! We can face it together!”

_I should’ve known/I should’ve known/I didn’t have a chance/How cold have I become?/I didn't want to/lose you by what I'd done_

“You haven’t.” God, please let Virgil be hearing him! “You haven’t lost any of us! Everything, everything before you… before, it was Deceit! We would never say or do any of what happened! You’re not Dark, you’re Good! You’re an amazing person whom I love. Please, come back!”

_(you tell me)/In your deepest pain/in your weakest hour/in your darkest night/you are lovely_

Logan felt a tear sliding down his cheek. “You are lovely, Virgil.” He murmured, voice breaking. “You are lovely.”

OoOoO

“You are lovely.”

Logan’s voice, broken and heavy with sadness, pierced the darkness around Virgil as he curled tighter into himself, pain tearing him apart at the seams inside of his chest.

“No.” Virgil begged, covering his ears. “Stop, please…”

He didn’t want to hear more. He didn’t want to hear any more of the hallucinations.

He wanted to pain to stop.

He wanted to die.

He felt warm.

Wait. What?

He felt warm.

How was that possible?

He could feel heat at his back and wrapped around his middle.

He could feel something wet hit his shoulder.

What in the world…

“Logan!” Roman exclaimed loudly.

Logan shushed him, and the –arms? – around Virgil’s middle tightened.

Roman continued at a more reasonable volume, “We may have found a way! Well, Talyn did, but we need you and we need to bring Virgil to Thomas’ living room.”

Found a way to what? What did they need the Dark, Anxious Side for? To get rid of him for good? To keep him under lock and key? To Banish him? To force him to Fade? He was already in the process of doing that…

Oh God, if this was real… if what he was hearing was real, they were going to find his body!

**Then it’ll make Banishing you all the easier. You’ve done the hard part for them, the Fading. Lucky them! But you did leave them a mess to deal with…**

It was a tub. Let the shower run, dump in some bleach, and the blood would be gone.

“What did Talyn find?” Logan asked.

Curious about his own demise, Virgil allowed the connection to strengthen.

“Well, it turns out Talyn’s also a Mage...”

That settled that.

Virgil released the focused hold he’d been holding onto.

A Mage would be able to severe him out completely. Remove him from Thomas’ psyche for good. The others would be able to keep Thomas safe, without the crippling Anxiety and attacks that Virgil put Thomas through.

Thomas – and the other Sides – would be better off without him.

Would it hurt, being Severed?

Anything had to be better than this…

Right?

OoOoO

“Well, it turns out Talyn’s also a Mage.” Roman was almost vibrating with excitement, hands in the air. “They think they’ve found a way after talking to another Mage-Manifester in the Deep Web to contact Virgil!”

Relief flooded Logan, to the point he didn’t care that Roman could see the obvious tears on his face. “How?”

Roman seemed slightly disappointed that the Logical Side wasn’t shocked about Talyn being a Mage, but when his eyes flickered from Logan to Virgil, he let it go. “They can do… something… where they can send one of us into Virgil’s Unconscious to find him and talk to him. They want to send you.”

Good. “What do we need to do?”

“I was sent to bring you both up to Thomas’ apartment. Talyn’s already getting stuff together.”

Logan nodded. “Help me with him, please?”

Roman hurried forward, sliding a hand around the Anxious Side’s shoulders and pulling him forward and against his side so Logan could slide out from behind. “He’s warmer than before,” the Creative Side noted quietly. “That’s good. Has he… has he moved at all?”

“No.” Logan shook his head as he yanked on a clean pair of black pants and a black shirt, skewing his glasses on his nose, which he pushed back into place impatiently.

When he turned his attention back to Virgil and Roman he found the Creative Side had snapped up black sweatpants and snapped Virgil’s favorite black and purple hoodie onto his thin frame. He gave them a brief moment, allowing Roman to tilt his head against Virgil’s and whisper something in his ear. Then the Creative Side gathered him into his arms and stood.

OoOoO

Talyn and Joan had heard how back Virgil was, but that didn’t stop their hearts from clenching painfully at the sight of the Anxious Side, pale, limp, and lifeless, in Roman’s arms, Logan hovering nearby.

“Where should I set him?” Roman asked quietly.

Talyn motioned to the floor in front of the sofa. “Right here. Logan, I want you to lay down next to him, if you’re willing to be the Side I send in to find him.”

“Of course I’m willing.” Logan said firmly. As if he would say no!

Patton positioned a pillow underneath Virgil’s head as Roman set him down and handed another to Logan when he sat down. The parental Side fussed over Virgil silently, brushing the hair away from his face, adjusting his shirt, and placing a weighted blanket over him.

Talyn placed the candles around the pair, lighting them as they went, with stones between the candles, shooing Roman, Patton, and Thomas out of the circle before placing the last stone.

The stones started glowing faintly before growing stronger to match the candles’ light.

“You three cannot enter the circle until I tell you, no matter what happens.” Talyn said sternly, looking from one man to the other, and then Joan. “You will disrupt what I am doing, and if I lose connection with Logan, I may not be able to pull him back out. Do you guys understand?”

The three men nodded, though it took a colorful raised eyebrow to get Joan to add their own agreement.

Talyn turned their attention to Logan. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?!” Logan demanded.

Talyn didn’t seem bothered by his reaction. “You have to understand, _if_ you’re able to find Virgil, he will more than likely believe you’re a hallucination, if he even believes you’re there at all, or acknowledges your presence. He may even attack you.”

Logan shook his head. “I don’t care.” He said quietly. “I… I have to find him. I have to bring him home.”

“Ok. Lay down.” Talyn instructed. “And take his hand. No matter what, don’t let go, or you’ll lose the connection, and lose him.”

Logan obeyed, watching as Talyn took the ash from a smoldering stick of herbs – sage and lavender, his nose told him – and marked runes on their joined hands, and more onto their own hands before setting the dish aside.

“I’ll get you in, but you’ll need to find him. I don’t know how hard that’ll be, but from what the other Mage-Manifester said, that’s the easy part. Convincing the Fading Side you’re real, and to come home, will be much, much harder.” They placed a hand on each of the prone Side’s heads. “Are you ready?”

Logan nodded.

“Tell him we love him and miss him!” Patton called, clutching Roman and Thomas’ hands; on Thomas’ other side, Joan was holding his hand in their own, watching their friend with worried eyes.

“Close your eyes.” Talyn said softly, their hands starting to glow a deep emerald. “Think about Virgil, what makes him, him. What has happened recently, what you feel for him, how much you want to find him and talk to him.”

At some point, the light of the room, candles, and stones faded from behind Logan’s eyes. When he opened his eyes in confusion, worried something had gone awry with the spell, he was greeted with…

Nothing.

Huh.

He sat up.

Nothing, and yet, there was enough light to see by, if no visible object giving off the light, let alone anything else at all.

“Virgil?” he called out softly, getting to his feet.

Unsure of which way to go, he spun on the spot, thinking of Virgil in the hopes that that would somehow guide him to the missing Side.

His smile.

His jokes, his humor. Even if the others didn’t always get it.

His honesty.

His desire to keep them all safe, even if they didn’t want or need it.

Their ability to discuss books, and life.

His calming presence.

His ability to sit in companionable silence, reading, listening to music, pursuing Tumblr.

Virgil.

A sob.

At some point, Logan had closed his eyes to focus. When he opened them, a faint purple… string, Logan supposed it could be called – was tied to his wrist, trailing off into the distance.

But the sob hadn’t been him.

“Virgil,” Logan murmured, following the string at a trot.

Logan wasn’t sure how long he’d been searching, following the string he knew deep down had tied him to Virgil. But the closer he got to Virgil – he occasionally could hear a sound, be it a sob, a sigh, or a muttered sentence that sounded like a one-sided argument – the glow and color of the string became stronger.

Until…

“Virgil.”

Somehow, in the emptiness which surrounded him – them – a cliff edge had appeared, the depths below seeming to teem with rolling black fog mere feet below the edge of which Virgil was currently kneeling in front of, slouched over in pain, and muttering to himself words Logan was still too far away to hear.

Heart in his throat along with panic, Logan barely kept himself from tackling Virgil and yanking him away from the edge. He could see the wounds he had stitched up earlier, but these… these still bled sluggishly, leaving pools on the floor. There were more puddles between them, and smears, as if Virgil had been dragging himself closer to the edge.

He had lost so much blood…

If he fell…

“Virgil! Please… please get away from the edge.”

Logan could tell Virgil could hear him; he flinched every time Logan spoke.

**_“He will more than likely believe you’re a hallucination…”_ **

“Virgil… I know you believe I’m a hallucination, but I’m not.” Logan paused. “We… all of us, we put it all together. Turns out Roman, Patton, and I were having nightmares of terrible interactions with you. When we realized we had all had… we went and spoke with Thomas, explained we were worried Deceit was somehow involved.”

Virgil’s body twitched slightly at the mention of the Dark Side.

“Thomas Summoned Deceit and Ordered him to tell the truth, which admitted readily enough. He got into our minds and made us dream-walk, using us like puppets to attack you while we slept! It wasn’t us, V, I swear.”

Virgil didn’t move.

Logan continued, “Thomas Ordered Deceit to leave you and the rest of us alone. Then Roman and I left to find you. When we found you… God, Virgil… when we found you in your bathtub, all cold and… bleeding.” He swallowed hard. “I got you breathing again, and Roman helped me bring you to my rooms. I got you stitched up while Patton and Thomas called Talyn and Joan for help… we didn’t know what else to do to help you, to reach you.”

Logan took a few more steps forward. “Turns out Talyn’s also a Mage. They found someone online to give them guidance on how to help me reach you. Please, Virgil. Please come home with me. We miss you… we need you. _I_ need you.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!” Virgil screamed, startling Logan with his outburst, bloody hands clenched tightly in his hair. “Leave me alone, please just leave me alone!” He loosened one hand enough to begin striking his head, over and over and over. “Not real not real not real not real –”

Afraid Virgil would hurt himself further, or worse, fall into the chasm, Logan rushed forwards, tugging Virgil’s hands loose from his hair, ignoring the feeling of tacky blood. “I’m real! I’m not going to leave you alone!” he shouted, pulling the Anxious Side around to finally look at him. “I’m never leaving you again! Damn it, V, I love you!”

Virgil froze, eyes wide and wild.

Then he shoved Logan, hard, sending the other Side sprawling.

“Why couldn’t you have just pushed me?” Virgil begged, voice breaking. “Why do you have to keep digging, needling, hurting? Why do you keep hurting me?! If you want me gone, why didn’t you just push me?!” he moved closer to the edge, the ground under one hand giving out completely.

“I don’t want you gone!” Logan shouted, holding his hands out towards the panicked Side. “I’m not a figment of your imagination, Verge! I’m not a hallucination, I’m not Deceit! I’m _Logan!_ I’m here to bring you home! Home to Thomas, to Patton, to Roman, to me! We love you, Virgil! _I_ love you, more than I could ever put into words! I – I can’t lose you! Please, please believe me!”

Logan could see the pain his words were bringing Virgil, he could see the distrust, the fear. There was so much of it…

Too much.

“I wish you were real,” Virgil said sadly.

“I am!”

Virgil shook his head. “No, you’re not. I’m the last _thing_ Logan would ever love.” He twitched, glaring at something unseen off to the side. “You think I don’t know that?!” he spat at the nothingness.

“Know what, V?” Logan asked cautiously.

Virgil actually smiled. “Doesn’t matter.” He finally met Logan’s gaze. “I wish you were real. Just so I could say I love you one last time.”

Logan held out his hand. “I am real, Virgil! Take my hand, please!” he begged. “Come away from the edge! Please!”

“No.”

Virgil tilted, and fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: 'The Grey' by Icon for Hire
> 
> Look look look! a LITERAL cliffie! XDD
> 
> Don't kill me! if you kill me you'll never know how it ends! XD
> 
> References to all things magical are taken from my grimoire and reference books.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early update!! Thank my co-worker who switched days with me so I have off tomorrow.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: references to suicide, self-harm, physical and verbal abuse, bulimia, anxiety/panic attacks.

_Virgil actually smiled. “Doesn’t matter.” He finally met Logan’s gaze. “I wish you were real. Just so I could say I love you one last time.”_

_Logan held out his hand. “I am real, Virgil! Take my hand, please!” he begged. “Come away from the edge! Please!”_

_“No.”_

_Virgil tilted, and fell._

OoOoO

Logan’s voice broke as he screamed Virgil’s name and lurched forwards, somehow moving fast enough to be able to seize the other Side’s wrist as he started to fully fall over the side of the cliff.

Virgil looked up after a moment, seemingly surprised to find he wasn’t still falling. “What…” he stopped, and blinked silently in confusion, brow slightly furrowed. “H-how…”

Logan spread his legs behind him to give himself a little more stability as he reached his other hand down to Virgil. “Because I’m _not_ a hallucination, Virgil! Please! Grab my other hand!”

Virgil didn’t move. He just blinked up at him again, his mouth quirked in a small, sad smile. “An… interactive hallucination… that’s hasn’t happened so far. Interesting.”

“I’m not a hallucination; I’m _real_. Now give me your other hand!” Logan growled, motioning with his free hand. “Talyn helped me get into your head so I could bring you home. Please, give me your hand, _please!_ ”

“No.” Virgil shook his head. “I-I don’t want to go back. It hurts too much to keep hearing them… or imagining them. I can’t… no. Not anymore.” A tear tilted out of the side of Virgil’s eye to fall into the rolling mist, which seemed to be more active since Virgil’s tumble, as if eager to seize him and take him far, far away from Logan and the others. “And if you’re not a hallucination… I don’t want to face what else you could be, _whom_ else you could be.”

“I am _me_ , you silly idiot!” Logan tried to reach down and grab the wrist he was currently hanging onto with his other hand. “Virgil, damn it, give me your other hand so I can pull you up! Please!”

Logan couldn’t reach.

With the blood on Virgil’s skin, he was slipping.

Virgil smiled up at Logan as more tears gathered in his eyes. “They were nice to listen to, the hallucinations of you and the others. It was nice to hear your voices one last time; you all even seemed to care. It was odd, after our last conversations. But then… then it started to hurt. It hurts too much, Logan.”

“We _do_ care, V! I am real! Us finding you and taking care of you, everything you heard us saying and doing was all real! Please, please let me help you back up here, so we can at least talk!” Logan begged, starting to panic. “Please!”

“No. Goodbye, Logan.”

Virgil slipped from Logan’s grasp, falling into the boiling dark fog and vanishing from view within seconds.

“Virgil! No, no, no, NOOO!!!” Logan screamed, barely hesitating, barely even thinking of the possibilities, or repercussions, or consequences.

He threw himself off the edge after the love of his life.

OoOoO

Whatever Logan had been expecting – to fall forever, to land in water, to asphyxiate on the odd gray fog, to splat into a mass of bloody flesh and broken bones – _this_ certainly hadn’t been it.

 _This_ being that after falling for somewhere between a minute and three, he suddenly found himself _standing_ on a dirt path which wound itself into a forest full of trees void of leaves, their trunks and branches ancient and twisted, their bark dark as the fog – which had vanished as if it had never existed – with a few varied shades thrown in the mix.

There was blood spotted on the path. And the occasional tree trunk.

A flash of light/color from one of the tree branches made Logan look up.

Captured at the heart of each tree’s warped multiple arms were…

Memories. Silent memories.

Virgil’s memories.

Some, Logan recognized. Some, he didn’t.

Some… God, he didn’t want to know.

**_The four of them playing board games._ **

**_Making Thomas’ videos._ **

**_Virgil watching Patton, Logan, and Roman debating what movie to watch._ **

**_Thomas in school. In theatre. Running from bullies. Hanging out with friends._ **

**_Deceit beating Virgil._ **

**_Virgil waking up on the floor of his bathroom, the white floor smeared with blood, originating from the very first word the Side had carved into his chest: Worthless._ **

**_Virgil forcing himself to throw up in the toilet, tears streaming down his face._ **

No wonder he was so skinny…

How had they not noticed?!

How had they not noticed _any_ of it?!

Logan hadn’t even realized he had started walking, staring at the captured memories each tree held like a spider web holding a helpless fly.

**_Virgil locked in his rooms, having an anxiety attack, banging his head into the wall until he knocked himself out._ **

**_Virgil curled under a mound of blankets on the floor of his room, and not leaving the room for days. None of the others had noticed, let alone come looking for him._ **

**_Virgil waking from a nightmare, obviously screaming at the top of his lungs._ **

How had they never heard him?!

More blood was on the path, along with scuff marks, as if Virgil had fallen, and dragged himself on the ground for several feet before he managed to get to a tree close enough to the path (this one containing a memory of Thomas and Joan getting one over on the school bullies) and pushing himself upright again, leaving more blood on the dark trunk.

Virgil. He had to find Virgil.

“Virgil!” Logan yelled, walking faster, trying to watch for signs of Virgil staying on or leaving the path, and still taking in the memories held up above in the tree branches.

**_Thomas, locked in a bathroom and having a panic attack after one of his family members referenced someone homosexual in a mildly unflattering manner._ **

**_The other Sides yelling at Virgil for causing Thomas to have a different panic attack prior to going on stage in his first main performance._ **

**_The first time Virgil had made his physical presence known to the other three. They had been around nine in human years. They had proceeded to scoff at him and ignore him._ **

Still no sign of Virgil besides the blood and the random scuff mark in the dirt and gravel of the path as it wound through the forest of memories.

Nothing.

Logan felt panic gnawing at his heart. “Virgil! Please! Where are you?!” he choked. “Please…”

There was no answer. Not that Logan had expected one.

**_Thomas crying himself to sleep at night, questioning himself, afraid of being abandoned, rejected, kicked out like the other gay teens he kept reading about._ **

**_Deceit screaming obscenities at Virgil, who was cowering in a corner, a horrible bruise blossoming on his cheek and under his eye, arms raised in a useless effort to protect himself._ **

**_Logan, cornering Virgil in the hallway only yesterday, and tearing him apart._ **

**_Patton, expressing how disappointed he was._ **

**_Roman, beating him._ **

Logan wanted to vomit at the pain he was feeling, seeing all of Virgil’s memories as he walked around yet another bend in the path.

How had they never noticed just how bad Virgil was suffering?

The answer was obvious.

Virgil had been that good at hiding, and them… they hadn’t wanted to notice, not until it was far, far too late.

When Logan rounded the current corner, the trees changed. They were still leafless and creepily twisted, but the bark, instead of ranging from gray to black (seemingly depending on how depressing and painful the memory the tree contained was), were pale gray, a few even white.

The path ended in them.

The memories they contained…

**_Logan and Virgil debating Harry Potter conspiracy theories until the sky turned pink, all the books scattered on the bed between them._ **

**_The four of them sprawled out on Roman’s California King bed, binge-watching Pixar movies. Virgil had eventually fallen asleep during Wall-E with his head on Logan’s shoulder._ **

**_Virgil and Patton baking chocolate chip cookies._ **

**_Roman excitedly telling Virgil about the basket of puppies he had rescued from a dragon-witch._ **

**_Logan and Virgil reading together._ **

**_Logan quoting Sherlock all day in response to anything Patton and Roman said, driving the other two up the wall; Virgil had found the whole thing hilarious._ **

**_The time Virgil had shape-shifted into a black kitten in his sleep – he had unfortunately done so in the commons. Patton and Roman proceeded to go utterly gaga over him, unknowing that it was Virgil. Logan, having known, had watched for almost ten minutes until he stepped in and rescued the perturbed kitten/Side._ **

**_Logan helping Virgil through a particularly bad panic attack; one of the few he had witnessed the Anxious Side passing out._ **

There were more memories gathered in other trees, but Logan’s attention was finally caught by what lay sprawled unmoving at the base of the half-ring of trees, laying on their side, facing away from Logan, facing what seemed to be the happiest memories. The ground between them blood and further scuffed, obvious signs that Virgil had been forced to drag himself the last several feet.

“ _VIRGIL!!”_

Logan tore down the path to collapse on his knees next to Virgil, ignoring the pain of stones digging into his knees as he gently rolled the other Side’s limp body onto his back, head lolling limply and scooping him up into his arms, fingers brushing Virgil’s hair out of his face.

A broken sob tore itself from the Logical Side’s throat when he could fully see Virgil.

All of the wounds done by Virgil’s own hands were a bloody, dirty mess, a few were barely visible with the amount of blood and dirt caked and ingrained upon the skin. The bruise on his face from Roman was almost black, and the split lip left a trail of blood down his chin. There were other wounds, scars, and bruises visible which almost seemed to have jumped out of the memories and latched onto Virgil, open, ugly, and painful.

Under the blood, and the dirt, his skin was dead white and very, very cold.

He wasn’t breathing.

There was no heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D love it? hate it?
> 
> And yes, I couldn't help it; I LOVE the whole Virgil as a kitten trope!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know... bad Wolf for taking so long!!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: reference to abuse, depression, suicide.

It had barely been five minutes since Talyn had sent Logan into Virgil’s mind, and Roman was up and pacing, eyes glued on the two Sides within the circle and their Mage friend.

Talyn’s eyes were closed but twitching, lips slightly parted, occasionally mouthing words silently. Their magic was still glowing softly, pulsing at random intervals.

“Do you think Logan will be able to find Virgil?” Patton whispered to Thomas, gripping the sleeves of his cardigan tightly, his whole body fidgeting slightly.

Thomas shrugged helplessly. “If anyone can, it’s Logan. But… if Virgil truly doesn’t want to be found, or cannot be convinced Logan isn’t a hallucination…”

“Talyn?” Joan asked softly. “Any news?”

“I’ve been able to sense Virgil and connect Logan to him.” They replied quietly, eyes still shut. “Logan’s getting close…” they trailed off.

“I wish we could all be in there.” Roman muttered, running his fingers yet again through his hair, sending it into such disarray for the normally impeccably groomed prince. “We all could be helping instead of standing here doing nothing!”

Patton got up and went to Roman’s side. “Sweetheart, you’ve already done so much. You found him and helped Logan get him to his room and patch him up. Then you carried him up here so Talyn and Logan could try to reach him. Right now there’s nothing else any of us can do.”

 “Logan’s found him.” Talyn said abruptly. “He’s on the edge of his Subconscious.”

Well, _that_ didn’t sound good.

“What does that mean for Virgil and Logan?” Thomas asked, his hand tightening on Joan’s.

Talyn seemed to hesitate. “If Virgil falls, it’ll be next to impossible for us ever to ever reach him again.”

Patton sobbed and buried his face in Roman’s chest, who wrapped his arms tightly around the other Side, eyes fixed on Virgil and Logan as if he could will the Anxious Side back to them.

“Logan’s talking to Virgil.” Said Talyn. “But Virgil still thinks Logan’s a hallucination, though he’s still trying to convince him otherwise.”

Thomas moved to start chewing on the cuticles of his free hand but Joan grabbed the hand and clasped it with the other, sending a brief stern look at Thomas to show their disapproval before fixing their gaze back on Talyn and the two Sides.

After almost three minutes of silence, Roman couldn’t take it any longer. “What’s going on?” he asked, tone somewhere between plaintive and afraid.

“Logan’s trying to get Virgil to come away from the edge, but so far it’s not work – no!” Talyn cut themselves off, a flare of magic leaving spots in everyone’s eyes.

“Talyn!” Thomas shouted. “What’s happening?!”

When they didn’t answer, Thomas attempted to jerk himself free of Joan’s grasp and go to the two unmoving Sides.

“No!” growled Joan, seizing their friend and pulling him back to the couch. “We can’t break the circle, or we risk making Talyn lose the connection!”

Helpless and hyperventilating, all Thomas could do was watch Talyn attempting to do something, something he didn’t understand, something he was afraid to know about, because it was nothing good.

 “Virgil started to fall.” Talyn told them, their voice strained. “Logan’s got him by one hand, but Virgil’s not even trying to reach up with his other…”

“Oh, God…” Patton sobbed. “He’s not gonna make it, is he?”

“He has to.” Roman said, tightening his arms around Patton, though his voice was more pleading than confident.

Talyn swore. “No, no, no, no….” Magic flared around their hands, mainly the hand resting on the top of Logan’s head; teeth bit deeply into their lower lip, drawing blood.

“Talyn, talk to us!” Thomas pleaded. “What’s happening?!”

“Did Virgil fall?!” demanded Roman.

The flair of magic died out completely, and Talyn opened their eyes. “Yes… and Logan threw himself off the edge after him. I used enough magic to cushion his fall, but… I’ve all but lost the connection to Logan, and I can’t sense Virgil at all.”

OoOoO

No.

No, no, no, nonononono…..

No.

NO!

This couldn’t be…

_How…_

Virgil… he couldn’t be dead! As Sides, they _couldn’t die!!_

It was one thing for him to Fade to the point he wasn’t breathing…. To go into a form of stasis, as it were. But to not have a heartbeat…

There was no way.

Was there?

Had… had he been _wrong_ when he had stated that they as Sides could not die?

“V-Virgil…. Please wake up.” Logan pleaded, cupping the cold, bloody cheek of the young man in his arms. “Don’t be dead…. Don’t leave me!”

Nothing.

He shook him. “Open your eyes, Virgil! Damn it, wake up! Wake up!”

Nothing.

“Please…” begged Logan, no longer caring – well past that – as tears ran down his dirty cheeks. “Please, love… come back to me… I – I can’t… don’t go where I can’t follow…”

Nothing.

Silence.

Logan broke.

He clung to Virgil’s body, one hand threaded through his hair, faced pressed to his shoulder as he sobbed, cried, screamed in pain and anguish.

OoOoO

Logan wasn’t sure how long he had been mourning over Virgil.

Awhile.

His voice was going.

Then, something caught his ears and his attention.

_hold on to me love/you know I can't stay long/all I wanted to say was/I love you and/I'm not afraid/can you hear me?/can you feel me in your arms/holding my last breath/safe inside myself/are all my thoughts of you/sweet raptured light/it ends here tonight_

One of the memories had started playing music, as if the tree knew what was going on… as if it knew Virgil was letting go, was Fading into nothingness in Logan’s arms.

“Don’t leave, Virgil.” Logan begged, face buried in the dirty black and purple sweatshirt as the song continued to play. “Don’t leave…”

_…world of fragile things/look for me in the white forest/hiding in a hollow tree/come find me/I know you hear me/I can taste it in your tears_

Logan jerked his tear-streaked face up.

A white forest…

Was it possible?

Was Virgil’s own heart attempting to save him, sending him a message?

“Virgil?” he called hoarsely. “Virgil!”

_Look for me in the white forest/hiding in a hollow tree/come find me_

Desperate and daring to hope, Logan gently set Virgil’s body down, hand lingering on his cheek before he climbed to his feet and stepped into the white forest.

The trees continued to contain memories within the branches, the trees – and the memories – getting older the deeper into the forest he went.

**_Patton making breakfast for Virgil when he noticed the Anxious Side watching the three of them eating, hidden in the hallway._ **

**_Roman inviting Virgil to watch Disney movies with them._ **

**_Patton breaking out the fingerpaints._ **

**_Logan telling Virgil to sit on the sofa like a normal person and not on the floor, in the corner._ **

**_Logan hiding a smile when Virgil snarked back at Roman, who had been making fun of his longer hair._ **

**_Roman splitting the last of some chocolate marshmallow ice cream with Virgil._ **

**_Logan giving Virgil a notebook to write in._ **

**_Patton flinging his arms around Virgil when he had started to scold the Anxious Side for breaking a glass and then hurriedly picking up the pieces, cutting his hand and then flinching when the Moral Side scolded him._ **

**_A picnic the four of them went on in Roman’s realm._ **

**_Logan resignedly telling the others to get used to Virgil’s presence when it became apparent he wasn’t leaving._ **

That memory being a happy memory for Virgil stumped Logan for a moment, until he understood it was the first time he or the others had admitted Virgil was there and not leaving, and not making an effort to make him leave.

They had accepted his presence.

Someone giggled.

At what seemed was the heart of the white forest was the most gigantic white tree Logan had ever seen, an ancient weeping willow that made the Logical Side think of Grandmother Willow. The center of the tree trunk was black, and for a fearful moment Logan was afraid of an infected memory. Then he got close enough to see it wasn’t the bark or wood itself that was black, but the shadows within.

A hollow tree.

A young Virgil was within, his eyes fixed on a tree opposite of him, the memories in this one changing, though it was currently playing a memory where Roman had snuck up on Logan with a pie tin full of whipped cream and landed it square in Logan’s face; they didn’t look any older than Virgil did now, eight, maybe. Nine at the most.

“Virgil?” Logan whispered, half-afraid this child version of Virgil would run, or vanish if he spoke too loud.

“Hullo, Logan. I guess you got my message. You found me sooner than I thought you would.” Child Virgil watched the memory play out before turning his gaze onto Logan. Eyes that should’ve been filled with child-like innocence were filled with anything but, and a fading bruise was on his jaw. He seemed to notice what had caught Logan’s attention, because he turned his face away. “Deceit found me. Well, in the memory he did. It’s a side-effect of the trees, you’ve probably figured out.” He told the Logical Side. “He doesn’t like that I’m trying to make friends with you.” When he turned back to Logan the bruise was gone.

“How… how?” asked Logan unintelligently, words failing him as he knelt down near Virgil.

“You know how people talk about how everyone has an inner child? Well, I’m Virgils.” He said, shrugging as he nervously picked at his cuticles. “I know you’re all now nineteen, and I know he loves you. I know what happened, what all has happened.”

“It wasn’t me!” Logan said hurriedly, fighting the urge to take child Virgil into his arms, or shake him, or _something_. “It wasn’t me, who attacked Virgil. It wasn’t any of us! Not really, anyways. It was Deceit using us like marionettes!”

Child Virgil stared hard at him, and in his eyes Logan almost felt like he could see the adult Virgil, but not quite. “I believe you.” He said finally. “I’ve been watching and listening this whole time.” He nodded to the same tree. The memory (a pillow fight between Roman, Patton, and Virgil) and it flickered, changing to show Thomas’ living room, where Roman holding Patton, Joan was attempting to comfort Thomas, and Talyn was in a circle of stones and candles with the still bodies of Logan and Virgil.

“Where is Virgil – the adult him?” asked Logan after the image faded, leaving the tree blank.

Child Virgil touched his chest. “Inside of me.” He replied. “He’s as Faded as he can get, right now. I’m keeping him safe from himself. He still doesn’t think everything he heard and felt was real after he tried to kill himself. He still thinks all of you hate him, especially you.”

“But… if you’re him, how can he not and you do?”

“Because while I think myself as worthless and a waste, I know you and Patton and Roman disagree, and you care about us. After everything that has happened, I’m a separate part of Virgil while still him. He’s… he still has all of the pain and fear and everything bad inside of him, and his heart.”

“You’re worth far more than you could ever know.” Logan told Child Virgil. “I wish I had the words to tell you how wrong you are.”

Child Virgil smiled sadly. “Thank you.”

“Can I talk to him?” Logan asked hurriedly. “Please, I need to make him understand!”

Child Virgil hesitated. “If I do, you have to be patient, and gentle. He’s in so much pain right now… it’s why I pulled him out of his body and put him inside of me. He’s afraid, and lost, and feeling truly alone. You’ll need to convince him he doesn’t need to do this alone, that he matters to you. Do you think you can do that, Logan? Can you convince Virgil that he is worth it?”

Could he? He didn’t know. But he had to try.

“I will try as hard as I can.” Logan said fiercely. “I want him to know how much he means to me. That I don’t want to be without him, and that I love him.”

“If I think he’s losing it, if he starts to panic too much, I'm taking this body back over,” Child Virgil warned, glaring almost accusingly at Logan. “Find a way to save him from himself, or I will keep him safe inside of me forever.”

Logan nodded. “I understand.”

**Please, please let this work…**

Child Virgil’s body shuddered, and slumped forwards, barely remaining upright.

“Virgil?” Logan asked, concerned.

The Child Virgil’s body shuddered, before straightening, head tilted in confusion. Slowly, he raised his head and met Logan’s gaze, eyes wide in shock. “L-Logan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Last Breath' by Evanescence. And no, I didn't have this song or idea in mind when I first brought up the white trees. It just happened, and then I was like 'wasn't there a dark song that mentioned white trees' and then I remembered this, and you just read the result!
> 
> No, Virgil doesn't have split personality disorder. more like... with all of the abuse and depression he suffered, he had to grow up suddenly and left his child self (and innocence, and naivety, etc) behind/locked it away, treasuring the happy memories.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: depression, panic attack, mention of self harm, cutting, burning, overdosing, and suicide/Fading.

“L-Logan?” Virgil’s eyes were wide, his pale, chapped lips slightly parted in shock. “H-how are you… you can’t be…. I’ve never hallucinated in here before.”

Logan, barely restraining himself from launching himself into Virgil and hugging him tightly. Instead held out his hand, palm up to the Anxious Side. “It’s me, Virgil. I’m me – I’m _real_. I always have been, barring the instance in the mindscape’s hallway. None of us were – It was Deceit. He somehow managed to turn us into his own puppets, into marionettes with him pulling the strings and using our mouths. He was – is – angry about you leaving him to join us and finding friendship, family, and love.”

Virgil didn’t move to take or even touch Logan’s outstretched hand, and couldn’t seem to bring himself to look at the Logical Side as he spoke, though he flinched at the word ‘love’.

Desperate, Logan continued, “I know I don’t have the right to ask anything of you, Virgil, but Verge… I am begging you to come home with me. We care about you. We love you! Yes,” he admitted, “We were startled by Deceit’s sudden appearance at Thomas’s, and his apparent connection to you, whatever it is. Me, out of everyone, shouldn’t’ve jumped to conclusions.” He smiled sadly. “Turns out even I am open to cognitive distortions. It was foolish – no, it was utterly stupid of me to do so without more information, namely knowing your side of the story. _Especially_ your side of it.”

Virgil was barely able to look at Logan as he spoke, and hardly met his eyes before looking away but not before Logan could see the pain in his eyes, adult Virgil’s pain inside of his Inner Child’s face.

“You’re asking for my side of it all?” The question was soft.

Logan nodded. “Yes!”

“Why? Why now? What does it matter…” the question and following statement wasn’t angry, or accusatory. It was… dull, almost lifeless.

Logan carefully, gently, touched the back of his hand to Virgil’s, desperate or some sort of physical contact with the Anxious Side, but giving him plenty of room and opportunity to pull away. “Because I was wrong, Virgil.” Logan explained. “Because I want to know the truth, as your friend, and as… someone who cares about you. I want to know.”

Virgil snorted, the first sound of something other than brokenness or lifelessness he had made so far.

But he didn’t pull away from Logan as the Logical Side turned his hand over, thumb slowly tracing Virgil’s knuckles.

He still wouldn’t look at the other Side.

“You want to know how Deceit made me reliant on him?” Virgil demanded. “You want to hear how he wanted to use me to control the other Sides, and Thomas? How when I found I didn’t like hurting Thomas or the others, and I tried to refuse his wishes that Deceit would beat me bloody and unconscious? How he would chain me to the wall in part of the lower mindscape and leave me there for days in the utter dark? How he would whip me? How I still have nightmares so bad about what happened that I can’t sleep for days, or have to down a handful of pills to sleep without dreaming of him? How I was so afraid of you and Patton and Roman finding out that I turned blades and flames onto myself? Is that what you wanted to hear, Logan?! How the last few times in attempts to keep me with him, he’d appear to me as you guys and hurt me?!” Virgil’s voice broke at the end. “Because that is what happened, and a whole hell of a lot more!”

Logan was speechless. He knew Deceit was an utter bastard, but to hear even glossed-over details such as what Virgil was telling him…

He wanted to… to hurt Deceit, the same way he had hurt his Virgil. He had _never_ been a supporter of violence, especially the physical kind.

He sure as Hell did now.

“He had absolutely no right to do _any_ of that to you!” Logan growled, increasing the pressure of his hand on Virgil’s. “I wish I could go back and stop him, or at least let you know that you were welcome among us-” Virgil snorted again, clearly remembering how the three main Sides had treated him when he first arrived in the main Mindscape “as well as tell myself, Patton, and Roman how much of a good person you are,” Logan continued, desperate to convince Virgil of his sincerity. “and not to mention scold myself for being such an…such an _asshole_ to you!”

Apparently reverting to a more crude vocab card had been the right thing to do – it was enough to startle Virgil into looking up at him, shocked.

Emboldened, Logan moved a few inches closer, taking Virgil’s hand in both of his own. “I want you to come home, V. We all do. We miss you… we need you! You are important to us, and to Thomas.”

The light faded a little at the mention of Thomas. “Thomas will still be able to be safe and manage without me being there. I did my research a long time ago when I first stated to consider Fading.” He tried to free his hand from Logan.

Surprised by the movement and worried at just how long Virgil had been considering Fading, Logan reacted without thinking and tugged Virgil’s hand and arm towards himself, causing the sleeve to ride up on the arm, revealing scars, far fewer than were on the adult Virgil’s arm – after all, Logan had been able to just about memorize them all when he was stitching the newest wounds up, and remembered where these fit into the pattern of scars. “Oh Virgil,” Logan whispered. “Even back when you were young?”

“I don’t need your pity, Logan.” Virgil yanked himself free of the other Side and got to his feet.

Logan scrambled after him. “It’s not pity, Virgil! It’s _anger_ , anger at myself, anger at the others, at what put you in that situation to begin with where you felt that Fading and as close to suicide as we can get was your only option. It’s a willingness to help you and fight by your side through each and every night to come, every nightmare, every flashback to keep you from falling this far and knowing that someone cares and loves you! I _love_ _you_ , Virgil! I have for a while now but haven’t had the courage to face and admit it to myself, let alone you. I’m sorry!”

Virgil, who had been pacing angrily a could yards away, froze as Logan finished speaking and inched his way closer. Slowly, he turned to face Logan, body hunched as if preparing to run. “What did you just say?” he whispered, voice shaking.

Logan stopped where he was, which was too far away, but he didn’t want Virgil to run, or for Child Virgil to take over and never let him talk to his Virgil again. “I love you, Virgil.” He repeated. “I respected you and considered you a friend for a while now, I think maybe even from the time we had our debate. And it grew from there, with the more time I spent with you and got to know you, though not as well as I should have, or I would have seen straight through Deceit’s manipulations and lies. I love you.”

Virgil was shaking as he wrapped his arms around himself, eyes screwed shut as he turned away from Logan. He was only able to take a few stumbling steps before his knees gave out and he fell to the ground and didn’t move other than his shaking, gulping gasps as panic attack took him over.

“ _Virgil!_ ”

Logan ran over and fell to his knees next to Virgil. “I’m going to touch you and get you upright, Virgil.” He warned before he lifted the small body and pulled the Anxious Side’s back to his chest, wrapping one arm around his waist and the other around his shoulders as he attempted to keep Virgil’s chest and diaphragm as open for his spasming lungs as he could.

“Breathe, Virgil.” Logan murmured. “In for one, two, three, four. Hold for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Out for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Good try, Virgil. Again.”

He continued counting as Virgil’s body jerked and spasmed in one of – no, _the_ worst panic attack Logan had ever seen the other Side suffer, barely able to understand the words the Anxious Side was trying to choke out, other than pleas to leave him be, let him die, that there was no way Logan could love him, that he didn’t understand why Logan was there, and helping, and didn’t understand how Logan could love him.

“W-why…”

“Y-you can’t… no – no one d… no one can – ”

“Lea’e me here!”

“Just leave! Just let… let me go…”

“Worthless!… can’t love… weak…”

“H-how… I don’…”

“ ‘m disgusting…”

“Please…. Don’ go…”

“Why…”

It took close to an hour for Virgil to get his breathing somewhat under control in Logan’s arms. Choked breathing turned into choked sobs as he curled into Logan’s body, take solace in the embrace, head tucked under Logan’s chin.

“I’m right here, V.” Logan murmured. “I’m not going anywhere without you, love. I’ll stay here forever if I have to, with you in my arms. Otherwise, we’ll find a way home, and we’ll face the whole world together because you are far stronger than you can possibly know. You’re amazing, Virgil. You are lovely.”

He had listened to that song a couple of times while attempting to warm Virgil up. He knew the tune by heart. Goodness knew he couldn’t sing to save his life, but he could hum. So he began humming ‘The Grey’, one hand rubbing soothing patterns on Virgil’s back in time with the tune as the other Side shook with silent sobs in his arms.

He had gone through the song five times and was partway through the sixth time when Virgil spoke, his voice heavy and thick.

“How are you… in here?”

Logan stopped humming. “Talyn.” He told him. “Turns out they’re a Mage as well as a Manifester. They spoke with someone in the Dark Net who told them how to send one Side into another’s mind to find them when they attempted to Fade. Apparently, this person had had to either do this themselves or help someone else do it when one of their Sides attempted to Fade.”

Virgil nodded, fingers hesitantly touching Logan’s arm. “What happened?”

“Deceit found a way into our minds, something about seeds of Doubt.” Logan said, deciding to start at the beginning and to be completely upfront and honest. “It’s embarrassing to admit, that I allowed that to happen to me.” Logan confided. “He played me, all of us, without us realizing it until it was too late. We all thought we were just having bad dreams. We didn’t put it together until I came down this morning and found Patton and Roman on the couch, and they told me about Roman’s nightmare of physically attacking you, and Patton admitted to also having a dream about you where he admitted to being disappointed in you.”

Virgil nodded. “That’s what happened. And then…”

Logan knew where he was going with his statement. “And then there was our interaction.” He tightened his arms around Virgil. “I am so sorry, Virgil. That wasn’t me, I promise.”

“He took all of my fears of each of you and made them real.” Virgil stated quietly.

Logan swallowed a growl. “That makes sense, in a twisted, Deceitful way.” Then the full force of Virgil’s words sank in. “I can understand fearing Patton’s disappointment, he is the ‘parental’ figure out of all of us. But… Roman? You honestly fear him physically attacking you?”

Virgil shrugged. “He’s always talking about his fights and battles.” He explained. “He’s the most volatile out of the four of us. And… Deceit liked wearing him when he hit me, towards the end.”

“Ah. Past, present, and fears mixing into one solid nightmare.” Logan summarized. “I… suppose that makes sense, in a nightmarish sense. If it helps, Roman was so upset by the nightmare of him attacking you and hitting you he made himself sick. And when he found out it had been real… he was horrified. He cried, V.”

“…really?” Virgil’s question was hesitant. “I mean, I can see Patton being remorseful about something he said, but… Roman felt bad?”

“Very much so.” Replied Logan. “As for me…” he tightened his arms around Virgil when he felt the other flinch and stiffen. “I woke up with a migraine and remembering each and every detail with vivid clarity. That should have been a clue to me that there was something wrong, seeing as I never remember my dreams more than fleetingly when I first wake up.” He carefully pressed a kiss on top of Virgil’s head. “He played me at my worst quite well, I will admit, and brought up my fears of when you originally came to us – which were wrong, I know that now. But it was lies, V. All of it. Even if I didn’t return your feelings to me, I would never have been so cruel as he made me out to be.”

“What happened after you woke up?” Virgil asked hesitantly, his body slowly relaxing into Logan’s embrace.

Logan leaned back against the tree and gaze up at the memory it contained – the first time he, Logan, had seen Virgil transform into his black kitten form. It made him smile as he continued speaking. “I came down to the kitchen and living area and found Patton and Roman on the couch. Patton told me what was wrong with Roman. That made it all click in my head. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to realize what as going on if Deceit had done us one every few days. But all three of us in less than twelve hours?” he shook his head. “We went to see Thomas.”

“Was Thomas ok?” Virgil asked worriedly.

“He wasn’t as bad as when you vanished early on.” Logan replied. “He was… sick, I suppose. He felt off, and tired. But when we told him what we suspected, he immediately summoned Deceit, and demanded answers.”

Virgil flinched at the mention of the Dark Side but reminded silent.

The Logical Side continued, “Deceit, of course, pretended that everything from us putting it all together to Thomas Summoning him was all part of his plan, even though it was rather obvious he was surprised to be Summoned. He danced around the truth, but finally admitted to making the three of us Dreamwalk and interact with you the way we did. Thomas and Roman became enraged – I think the only thing that prevented Roman from physically attacking Deceit in revenge for you was Deceit hinting that he had tied you to him. As I was unsure if he had managed to do such a feat, seeing what else he had been able to do with us, I didn’t want to risk it, and he stopped himself. Thomas, however…” he trailed off, smirking.

“Is Thomas ok? Did Deceit hurt him?” Virgil had obviously taken his trailing off the wrong way.

“He’s worried about you.” Logan said. “But in regards to Deceit… he gave him an Order to leave us and any unknown Sides alone. He was very detailed with his Order, which will enrage Deceit to no end, no doubt. But as long as it works, that is all that matters. He sunk out after that, stopping only to say we should check on you.”

Virgil stopped breathing, recalling the hallucinations of Logan and Roman who had found him. “It was you and Roman who found me, wasn’t it.”

“How did you know? Did you wake up when…” Logan didn’t know how to say ‘made you start breathing again’ without wanting to panic himself.

“I could sporadically hear and feel what was going on around me after you both found me.” Virgil replied. “But… I just thought it was hallucinations brought on by my mind as I Faded. Or that it was…” he trailed off.

“Or that it was Deceit continuing to mess with you.” Logan finished. He took a deep breath. “It was us, Roman and myself who found you in your tub, cold, bloody, and nonresponsive.”

“…sorry… ‘m sorry...” Virgil murmured, starting to stiffen in Logan’s arms and attempted to move away.

Logan refused to let him go, tightening the arm around Virgil’s waist and sliding the other up to cup his face and pull him closer. “Don’t be. You were reacting to what happened. You were in so much pain. I don’t blame you for what happened, Virgil. Not at all.”

Virgil stopped trying to escape, but he didn’t relax. “What happened then?”

“Well, I checked on you, and Roman lost his breakfast. But he was more collected than I was.” Logan admitted, feeling echoes of the panic he had felt when they had found Virgil, lifeless and unresponsive. “He helped me to focus on how to help you, getting you out of the tub, and getting you breathing again. After that… I took you to my rooms while Roman grabbed all of the first aid kits he could find.”

“You stitched up my wounds.” Virgil said. “I remember feeling the needle, and something warm…”

Logan nodded. “I had Roman wrap your body and extremities with warming blankets, and apply telfa pads to the wounds I had yet to attend to. I also had you hooked up to a warm fluid IV drip set, to help aid in warming you inside, too. Then Roman went to let Thomas and Patton know that we had found you… and how we had found you.”

Virgil twitched in Logan’s arms. “So… they saw, too…”

“They don’t care about the wounds, or the scars, Virgil. They were upset that they hadn’t noticed, and hadn’t been able to help you. Me, as well.” Logan scolded. “Thomas made Roman and Patton bring him to see you. He was upset, but not with you. With Deceit, with himself, and with us, too, I think. But not with you.” He paused. “Roman went and got some warm water and a cloth to clean you up, get all of the dried blood off of you. After that, I convinced Thomas to go and contact Talyn and Joan, to see if they could contact someone in the Deep Web for help or guidance on how to find you. He didn’t want to leave you, but he finally agreed that it was a good plan – our only plan – to save you. Patton went with him.”

“You said Talyn is also a Mage?” asked Virgil. “How did that come about?”

Logan shrugged. “I wasn’t present for the discussion, but from what Roman said Talyn was able to get into a group and site they’d talked on before and asked for help in regards to our situation. Someone was able to contact them directly and explain what to do, but that they would need a Mage to do the spell. Talyn came out and explained that they are both a Manifester and a Mage, and offered their help.”

“And here we are.” Virgil murmured.

Logan let out a deep breath. “Yes. Here we are.” He placed another kiss on Virgil’s head. “Please, come home with me, Virgil. Please.” He pleaded.

It took longer than Logan would have liked for Virgil to respond.

“…Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! seeing as this one is STARTING to wind down... I went ahead and started a Human!Soulmate!AU Sanders Sides fic! Check it out!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... I know I said this one was winding down, but... I felt the past 1.5 chapters needed to be done from our dear Virgil's POV. Sooo.. yeah. Here it is.
> 
> Trigger Warning: suicide, self harm, panic attacks, references to abuse

When Virgil had finally managed to drag himself into the heart of his Memory Forest where he kept all of his favorite, treasured memories, he had not expected his Inner Child to take over and pull the both of them from his weak, bleeding adult body. They settled in the hollow of one of the white trees, eyes on the tree across from them as it played different memories the Child Virgil remembered and enjoyed.

Virgil attempted to converse with the Child, but he ignored him – he ignored himself? Logan would know how that should be worded. The thought of Logan sent a bolt of pain through his heart, and the recent memory of the hallucination of the Logical Side attempting to pull him to safety on top of the ravine replayed itself in his mind.

It _had_ been a hallucination, right? There was no way Logan was in Virgil’s head. It wasn’t possible. He had down research on Fading, and had never seen anything about it.

Something caught Child Virgil’s attention. “Listen,” he said. “Do you hear that, Virgil?”

Great. Now he was _quite literally_ talking to himself.

But even as a child he had had good hearing, so he listened.

Someone was crying.

“ – your eyes, Virgil! Damn it, wake up! Wake up!”

Logan. But… it couldn’t be.

“We can’t hallucinate here. You know that; we built it so.” Child Virgil informed him.

**_But how… how is Logan, of all the Sides, here? Why?_ **

“Please… please, love… come back to me… I – I can’t… don’t go where I can’t follow…”

Inside of himself, Adult Virgil shook his head. **_Something went wrong, then. We messed it up. Logan would never cry, least of all over me._**

Child Virgil shrugged. “He might surprise you, Verge. I’ve been watching both of you interact for a very long time.”

A brief silence.

**_Told you._ **

And then…

Logan was crying, he was screaming as if in the worst pain imaginable.

 ** _What’s wrong with him?!_** Adult Virgil demanded. **_If you’ve hurt him –_**

“If _I’ve_ hurt him?!” Child Virgil scoffed. “He’s found _your_ bleeding, dying body, _again_! And this time, there’s no heartbeat! He thinks you’re dead. _You_ are the one who’s hurting him, not me.”

That made Adult Virgil pause. **_Why would he care?_**

Child Virgil sighed heavily. “Because he loves you, you moron.”

**_You’re lying. You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to Fade so far we both can never come back._ **

There was no way Logan cared enough about him to cry. Perhaps find a way into his head and make him come back so Thomas wasn’t harmed, yes. But cry?

No.

“Fine. Since you don’t believe me…”

**_What are you doing?_ **

No answer. Then…

_hold on to me love/you know I can't stay long/all I wanted to say was/I love you and/I'm not afraid/can you hear me?/can you feel me in your arms/holding my last breath/safe inside myself/are all my thoughts of you/sweet raptured light/it ends here tonight_

**_‘Last Breath’ by Evanescence. Nice._** Adult Virgil said. **_A fitting song as we Fade away into nothingness._**

_…world of fragile things/look for me in the white forest/hiding in a hollow tree/come find me/I know you hear me/I can taste it in your tears_

Child Virgil’s choice of songs suddenly made sense.

**_What’re you doing?! He’s going to find us!_ **

“I know. I want him to.”

**_No! Don’t let him! Please!_ **

“He loves you, and you love him. It’s taken you – us – nearly dying for him to be able to admit it to himself. You need to hear him say it.”

Unable to think of anything to say to counter what his Child-self was saying, Adult Virgil screamed in frustration, making his younger self giggle, but whether it was at the Adult Virgil’s frustration or the memory of Roman planting a pie tin full of whipped cream in Logan’s face, Adult Virgil didn’t know.

“Virgil?”

Logan’s voice was rough from screaming and heavy with hope.

“Hullo, Logan. I guess you got my message. You found me sooner than I thought you would.” Child Virgil watched the memory play out before turning his gaze onto Logan, who staring down at Child Virgil, who reached up to touch his face before turning away from the Logical Side. “Deceit found me. Well, in the memory he did. It’s a side-effect of the trees, you’ve probably figured out. He doesn’t like that I’m trying to make friends with you.”

“How… how?” asked Logan unintelligently, words failing him as he knelt down near Virgil.

Child Virgil knew what he was trying to ask. Ignoring the shoutings of the Adult Virgil inside of him he said, “You know how people talk about how everyone has an inner child? Well, I’m Virgil's.” He picked at his cuticles nervously. “I know you’re all now nineteen, and I know he loves you. I know what happened, what all has happened.”

It wasn’t me!” Logan said hurriedly. “It wasn’t me, who attacked Virgil. It wasn’t any of us! Not really, anyways. It was Deceit using us like marionettes!”

Child Virgil stared hard at him for a long moment. “I believe you.” He said finally. “I’ve been watching and listening this whole time.” He nodded to the same tree. The memory (a pillow fight between Roman, Patton, and Virgil) and it flickered, changing to show Thomas’ living room, where Roman was holding Patton, Joan was attempting to comfort Thomas, and Talyn was in a circle of stones and candles with the still bodies of Logan and Virgil.

**_Why didn’t you show this to me earlier?!_ **

**Would you have believed me?**

Fear and panic threatened to swamp Adult Virgil at this point. Even Faded and pretty much dead he was still being a horrible burden on Thomas and the other Sides… even on Thomas’ friends! What kind of person did that?! He was truly horrible, a waste of space, a creature, a bug to be disposed of…

Suddenly the world shifted, and he was face to face with Logan.

“L-Logan?” he blinked again, and Logan was still there. “H-how are you… you can’t be…. I’ve never hallucinated in here before.”

**_You do realize we can’t hallucinate in here, right?_ **

Logan slowly held out his hand, palm up, in invitation.  “It’s me, Virgil. I’m me – I’m  _real_. I always have been, barring the instance in the mindscape’s hallway. None of us were – It was Deceit. He somehow managed to turn us into his own puppets, in marionettes with him pulling the strings and using our mouths. He was – is – angry about you leaving him to join us and finding friendship, family, and love.”

That sure sounded accurately like Deceit.

Virgil could barely keep himself looking at Logan, let alone formulate any sort of response, or move at all. This seemed to worry Logan.

 “I know I don’t have the right to ask anything of you, Virgil, but Verge… I am begging you to come home with me.” Logan pleaded, voice desperate. “We care about you. We love you! Yes,” he admitted, “We were startled by Deceit’s sudden appearance at Thomas’s, and his apparent connection to you, whatever it is. Me, out of everyone, shouldn’t’ve jumped to conclusions.” He smiled sadly. “Turns out even I am open to cognitive distortions. It was foolish – no, it was utterly stupid of me to do so without more information, namely knowing your side of the story.  _Especially_  your side of it.”

Virgil’s eyes dropped to the ground, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. After a moment he asked, “You’re asking for my side of it all?”

Logan nodded emphatically. “Yes!”

“Why?” Virgil didn’t understand, and wasn’t sure he wanted to understand. Hell, he wasn’t sure Logan wanted to understand, or hear the truth. But his mouth just kept going. “Why now? What does it matter…” he didn’t know what to say as he tightened his grip.

Did it really matter, anyway?

Logan carefully, gently, touched the back of his hand to Virgil’s, giving him ample opportunity to object or pull away. Virgil knew he should, but he couldn’t bare to break the physical contact he had been craving for years. “Because I was wrong, Virgil.” Logan explained. “Because I want to know the truth, as your friend, and as… someone who cares about you. I want to know.”

Virgil snorted. If he heard the truth, would he still care then? If he heard about the past, if he knew the depths from which Virgil had crawled out of, would he still care? Or would he be enraged, or disgusted. Would he leave?

Perhaps that was for the best, Virgil decided even as his heart felt like it was being torn in two with the decision, even as he took one last little comfort from Logan’s thumb rubbing the back of his hand.

“You want to know how Deceit made me reliant on him?” Virgil demanded, forcing his voice full of anger even though he still couldn’t look up. “You want to hear how he wanted to use me to control the other Sides, and Thomas? How when I found I didn’t like hurting Thomas or the others, and I tried to refuse his wishes that Deceit would beat me bloody and unconscious? How he would chain me to the wall in part of the lower mindscape and leave me there for days in the utter dark? How he would whip me? How I still have nightmares so bad about what happened that I can’t sleep for days, or have to down a handful of pills to sleep without dreaming of him? How I was so afraid of you and Patton and Roman finding out that I turned blades and flames onto myself? Is that what you wanted to hear, Logan?! How the last few times in attempts to keep me with him, he’d appear to me as you guys and hurt me?!” Virgil’s voice broke at the end. “Because that is what happened, and a whole hell of a lot more!”

Then, he waited. He waited for the hand to stop, to leave. He waited for Logan to scoff, to point out how weak Virgil was, to say it had been right for Virgil to Fade – Thomas didn’t need someone so broken and useless as a part of him.

He waited to hear Logan’s footsteps on the gravel and leaves of the forest floor, fading away into nothingness.

“He had absolutely no right to do  _any_  of that to you!” Logan growled almost startling Virgil into looking up at him. The pressure on their joined hands increased. “I wish I could go back and stop him, or at least let you know that you were welcome among us-” Virgil snorted again, clearly remembering how the three main Sides had treated him when he first arrived in the main Mindscape “as well as tell myself, Patton, and Roman how much of a good person you are,” Logan continued, desperate to convince Virgil of his sincerity. “and not to mention scold myself for being such an…such an  _asshole_  to you!”

What?!

Logan’s use of such a crude word shocked Virgil so much he had to look up and be sure Roman hadn’t taken his place.

Logan’s other hand joined the first in holding Virgil’s own. “I want you to come home, V. We all do. We miss you… we need you! You are important to us, and to Thomas.”

The mention of Thomas made Virgil wilt, folding in on himself.  “Thomas will still be able to be safe and manage without me being there. I did my research a long time ago when I first started to consider Fading.” He tried to free his hand from Logan. To do what, he didn’t know yet.

Startled by either his statement or the sudden movement, Logan tugged back, making Virgil sleeve to ride up and reveal a couple of the scars from Virgil’s first couple of attempts at self-harm; he had discovered from an early age that physical pain was a welcome – if temporary – distraction from the pain inside.

 “Oh Virgil,” Logan whispered, his brow furrowed. “Even back when you were young?”

“I don’t need your pity, Logan.” Virgil yanked himself free of the other Side and got to his feet, shoving past to put some space between them even as he wished for nothing more than to stay.

“It’s not pity, Virgil!” Logan scrambled to his feet and followed him. “It’s  _anger_ , anger at myself, anger at the others, at what put you in that situation to begin with where you felt that Fading and as close to suicide as we can get was your only option. It’s a willingness to help you and fight by your side through each and every night to come, every nightmare, every flashback to keep you from falling this far and knowing that someone cares and loves you! I  _love_   _you_ , Virgil! I have for a while now but haven’t had the courage to face and admit it to myself, let alone you. I’m sorry!”

Virgil froze mid-stride in his pacing as he tried to figure out what to do. “What did you just say?” His voice shook; he had to have just been hearing things.

Logan halted a couple paces from Virgil, his hands held up, palm out warily, as if he was afraid Virgil would run – which was very tempting.

“I love you, Virgil.” Logan repeated. “I respected you and considered you a friend for a while now, I think maybe even from the time we had our debate. And it grew from there, with the more time I spent with you and got to know you, though not as well as I should have, or I would have seen straight through Deceit’s manipulations and lies. I love you.”

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

Roaring filled Virgil’s ears and his vision went grey as his body shook; he had to be hearing things, or he was hallucinating.

He closed his eyes and turned away from Logan… or at least, he thought, _he hoped,_ it was Logan…

Gods, maybe this was all a trick from Deceit…

Virgil was only able to take a few stumbling steps before his knees gave out and he fell to the ground and didn’t move other than his shaking, gulping gasps as panic attack took him over.

Through the gray and black spots dancing in his vision, Virgil could barely make out Logan crouching over him, and though his hearing was shot he could read Logan’s lips and the statement he was going to touch him. In his panic and fear of not knowing if he was truly Logan or someone else, Virgil weakly attempted to fight off the other side until he felt Logan’s chest against his back, breathing in time with what he brain scrambled to remember as how to get his breathing under control, his body shaking and spasming in Logan’s arms.

In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.

He tried, he really, really did. But the panic, the fear, the memories… they were too much. And far, far too late, he realized he was talking.

“W-why…”

“Y-you can’t… no – no one d… no one can – ”

“Lea’e me here!”

“Just leave! Just let… let me go…”

“Worthless!… can’t love… weak…”

“H-how… I don’…”

“ ‘m disgusting…”

“Please…. Don’ go…”

“Why…”

Virgil wasn’t sure how long it took him to get his breathing and panic under some form of control, only for it to turn into sobs as he cried in Logan’s arms, safe from Deceit, from his nightmares, and the shadows which haunted him.

A while later, Virgil finally realized Logan was talking to him.

“ – ‘m right here, V.” Logan murmured. “I’m not going anywhere without you, love. I’ll stay here forever if I have to, with you in my arms. Otherwise, we’ll find a way home, and we’ll face the whole world together, because you are far stronger than you can possibly know. You’re amazing, Virgil. You are lovely.” He started humming, the hand on Virgil’s back rubbing in time to the song.

Virgil _had_ been getting himself under control. He started crying again, curling tighter into a ball against Logan’s chest, feeling like his whole world was coming undone at the seams.

Was it… was it possible?

Could Logan… how could he love him? He was nothing… he was an anxious, depressed, suicidal mess of a Side.

He was unlovable.

He wasn’t _worthy_ of being loved.

But it didn’t seem like Logan cared whether or not Virgil felt he was worth it.

It was what he had been wanting for a long time… did that make Virgil selfish to take advantage of it, of Logan?

What if he changed his mind? If Logan stopped loving Virgil, the Anxious Side didn’t think he’d survive.

Finally, when he thought he had himself under some form of control, Virgil asked roughly, “How are you… in here?”

Logan stopped humming. “Talyn.” He told him. “Turns out they’re a Mage as well as a Manifester. They spoke with someone in the Dark Net who told them how to send one Side into another’s mind to find them when they attempted to Fade. Apparently, this person had had to either do this themselves or help someone else do it when one of their Sides attempted to Fade.”

Virgil nodded, and before he could talk himself out of it or lost the nerve, he hesitantly touched Logan’s arm with his fingers. “What happened?”

“Deceit found a way into our minds, something about seeds of Doubt.” Logan said almost shamefully. He continued, “It’s embarrassing to admit, that I allowed that to happen to me. He played me, all of us, without us realizing it until it was too late. We all thought we were just having bad dreams. We didn’t put it together until I came down this morning and found Patton and Roman on the couch, and they told me about Roman’s nightmare of physically attacking you, and Patton admitted to also having a dream about you where he admitted to being disappointed in you.”

Virgil nodded again, shuddering at the memory. “That’s what happened. And then…”

Logan seemed to know where he was going. “And then there was our interaction.” He tightened his arms around Virgil. “I am so sorry, Virgil. That wasn’t me, I promise.”

“He took all of my fears of each of you and made them real.” Virgil stated quietly. _It wasn’t the first time he’d done it, either._

Unless Virgil was mistaken, Logan was growling quietly. “That makes sense, in a twisted, Deceitful way.” Then he seemed to fully understand what Virgil was saying, words or no. “I can understand fearing Patton’s disappointment, he is the ‘parental’ figure out of all of us. But… Roman? You honestly fear him physically attacking you?”

Virgil shrugged, deciding he may as well be honest. “He’s always talking about his fights and battles.” He explained. “He’s the most volatile out of the four of us. And… Deceit liked wearing him when he hit me, towards the end.”

“Ah. Past, present, and fears mixing into one solid nightmare.” Logan hummed as he summarized. “I… suppose that makes sense, in a nightmarish sense. If it helps, Roman was so upset by the nightmare of him attacking you and hitting you he made himself sick. And when he found out it had been real… he was horrified. He _cried_ , V.”

Virgil was momentarily left speechless. “…really?” he asked, still not quite believing that Roman of all people had actually cried about anything having to do with _him_. “I mean, I can see Patton being remorseful about something he said, but… Roman felt bad?”

“Very much so.” Logan told him. “As for me…” Virgil stiffened warily; Logan noticed, and tightened his embrace around the Anxious Side. “I woke up with a migraine and remembering each and every detail of my... nightmare... with vivid clarity. That should have been a clue to me that there was something wrong, seeing as I never remember my dreams more than fleetingly when I first wake up.” A kiss was pressed gently to the top of Virgil’s head. “He played me at my worst quite well, I will admit, and brought up my fears of when you originally came to us – which were wrong, I know that now. But it was lies, V. All of it. Even if I didn’t return your feelings to me, I would _never_ have been so cruel as he made me out to be.”

“What happened after you woke up?” Virgil asked hesitantly, his body slowly relaxing into Logan’s embrace, something he had never purposefully even attempted to dream of before now.

Logan leaned them back against a nearby tree, one of his hands rubbing Virgil’s upper arm in comfort. “I came down to the kitchen and living area and found Patton and Roman on the couch. Patton told me what was wrong with Roman. That made it all click in my head. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to realize what as going on if Deceit had done us one every few days. But all three of us in less than twelve hours?” he shook his head. “We went to see Thomas.”

Thomas. The only reason Virgil had decided to go through with Fading was because everything he had been able to find about Fading had assured him that the sliver of presence that would be left behind would be enough to help the other Sides and their Manifester live a normal – and less stressful and anxious – life. “Was Thomas… ok?”

“He wasn’t as bad as when you vanished early on.” Logan told him gently. “He was… sick, I suppose. He felt off, and tired. But when we told him what we suspected, he immediately summoned Deceit, and demanded answers.”

Virgil couldn’t help but flinch at the mention of the Dark Side.

The Logical Side continued, “Deceit, of course, pretended that everything from us putting it all together to Thomas Summoning him was all part of his plan, even though it was rather obvious he was surprised to be Summoned. He danced around the truth, but finally admitted to making the three of us Dreamwalk and interact with you the way we did. Thomas and Roman became enraged – I think the only thing that prevented Roman from physically attacking Deceit in revenge for you was Deceit hinting that he had tied you to him. As I was unsure if he had managed to do such a feat, seeing what else he had been able to do with us, I didn’t want to risk it, and he stopped himself. Thomas, however…” he trailed off, humor coloring his voice.

Worriedly, Virgil asked, “Is Thomas ok? Did Deceit hurt him?”

“He’s worried about you.” Logan said. “But in regards to Deceit… he gave him an Order to leave us and any unknown Sides alone. He was very detailed with his Order, which will enrage Deceit to no end, no doubt. But as long as it works, that is all that matters. He sunk out after that, stopping only to say we should check on you.”

Virgil stopped breathing, recalling the hallucinations of Logan and Roman who had found him. “It was you and Roman who found me, wasn’t it.” Panic clawed again at the ragged edges of his mind.

“How did you know? Did you wake up when…” Logan didn’t seem to know how to word what he wanted to ask.

“I could sporadically hear and feel what was going on around me after you both found me.” Virgil told him, guessing that was what Logan wanted to ask. “But… I just thought it was hallucinations brought on by my mind as I Faded. Or that it was…” he trailed off.

“Or that it was Deceit continuing to mess with you.” Logan finished, understanding. “It was us, Roman and myself who found you in your tub, cold, bloody, and nonresponsive.”

“…sorry… ‘m sorry...” Virgil murmured, body going rigid.

_He hates you you’re disgusting he will never love you get away don’t taint him you’re disgusting he hates you he hates you he hates you move away move away!!!_

Logan refused to let him go, tightening the arm around Virgil’s waist and sliding the other up to cup his cheek and pull him closer, tucking Virgil’s head under his chin. “Don’t be.” He said softly, gently. “You were reacting to what happened. You were in so much pain. I don’t blame you for what happened, Virgil. Not at all.”

Virgil froze, his body still wound tightly in Logan’s arms, desperately wanting to believe what he was hearing but a lifetime of being abused, lied to, and hated was so very hard to shake. “What happened then?”

“Well, I checked on you, and Roman lost his breakfast. But he was more collected than I was.” Logan admitted, his voice shaking. “He helped me to focus on how to help you, getting you out of the tub, and getting you breathing again. After that… I took you to my rooms while Roman grabbed all of the first aid kits he could find.”

“You stitched up my wounds.” Virgil said, Logan’s words and his ‘hallucinations’ clicking into place together. “I remember feeling the needle, and something warm…”

Logan nodded. “I had Roman wrap your body and extremities with warming blankets, and apply telfa pads to the wounds I had yet to attend to. I also had you hooked up to a warm fluid IV drip set, to help aid in warming you inside, too. Then Roman went to let Thomas and Patton know that we had found you… and how we had found you.”

Virgil’s body jerked and attempted to fold in on itself in shame. “So… they saw, too…”

“They don’t care about the wounds, or the scars, Virgil. They were upset that they hadn’t noticed, and hadn’t been able to help you. Me, as well.” Logan said, his voice gently chiding. “Thomas made Roman and Patton bring him to see you. He was upset, but not with you. With Deceit, with himself, and with us, too, I think. But not with you.” He paused. “Roman went and got some warm water and a cloth to clean you up, get all of the dried blood off of you. After that, I convinced Thomas to go and contact Talyn and Joan, to see if they could contact someone in the Deep Web for help or guidance on how to find you. He didn’t want to leave you, but he finally agreed that it was a good plan – our only plan – to save you. Patton went with him.”

You said Talyn is also a Mage?” asked Virgil, partially surprised by the revelation, but also not so much. “How did that come about?”

Logan shrugged. “I wasn’t present for the discussion, but from what Roman said Talyn was able to get into a group and site they’d talked on before and asked for help in regards to our situation. Someone was able to contact them directly and explain what to do, but that they would need a Mage to do the spell. Talyn came out and explained that they are both a Manifester and a Mage and offered their help.”

“And here we are.” Virgil murmured when Logan stopped talking.

Logan let out a deep breath. “Yes. Here we are.” He placed another kiss on Virgil’s head. “Please, come home with me, Virgil. Please.” He pleaded.

Virgil had known that Logan at some point or another would ask this of him. The Real World was full of pain, of anger, of fear.

But it was also full of Thomas, of Patton and Roman, of Talyn and Joan.

It had Logan.

Logan had said he would stay here with Virgil… but that wasn’t fair to Logan.

If it came down to it, if everything he was hearing, if everything Logan was saying, from what had happened to his love for him was all merely words, Virgil could always Fade again. And this time, there was somewhere else he could hide where no Mage or Side would ever find him.

“…Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yays moving onwards!
> 
> Trigger Warning: multiple brief anxiety/panic attacks, reference to self-harm and suicide

Seated on the floor with his back to the couch Roman was reaching his wits’ end as he did his best to hold himself together – mainly for Patton, who was sobbing in his arms – his eyes glued on the still forms of Logan and Virgil. Talyn was still connected to both of them through their magic, their eyes shut and a frown tight on their face as they attempted to locate at least one of the missing Sides.

Thomas… their Host was watching Talyn from Joan’s lap on the couch to his left. His face was blank and tear-streaked, the dark-haired fellow Manifester running their fingers through Thomas’ faded purple hair in a vain attempt to bring some comfort to their friend, their other hand on his shoulder, thumb rubbing soothing circles. Thomas wasn’t crying anymore, just staring fixedly at the figures in the circle of stones, candles, and magic, his gaze an odd mixture between pleading, determination, and despair.

Roman had never felt so helpless in his life – not facing down a dragon, in the dark, and wounded. Not at Thomas’ first major performance when he forgot the lines, and Logan had been forced – begged by Roman and Patton –to take over. Not even recently when he and Logan had found Virgil submerged in the bloody, icy water in Virgil’s bathroom tub, cold and lifeless.

Never.

This wasn’t a monster he could face down, it wasn’t a foe he could defeat, or a battle he could fight and win… because there was nothing for him to face – unless he wanted to track down Deceit and run his sword through the disgusting Side’s chest in the hopes of striking something vital because he sure as Hell didn’t have a heart – and even then he still didn’t trust Deceit to not pass the injuries on to Virgil, one of the other Sides, or –Gods forbid – to Thomas.

But it was tempting. Oh, it was so, so tempting.

But what if he left… who would hold Patton? What if something happened? What if Logan managed to find Virgil and bring him back, and he wasn’t here to fall onto his knees and beg the Anxious Side for forgiveness? Worse, what if Logan returned without Virgil? For all his proclamations and statements of not having any ‘silly, human emotions’ the Logical Side had them just as they all did – he just didn’t listen to them the majority of the time, or he buried them.

But if the Logical Side was unable to save Virgil, his one true love?

Roman didn’t want to think of what that would do to Logan.

It would take _all_ of them to keep Logan together, not to mention what the loss would do to Thomas. Between the other Sides, Joan, and Talyn, they would get him through the loss…

Somehow. They would have to. He didn’t think Logan would Fade, but he most surely would cut all ties with his emotions, and after all the work they had put into getting Logan to start using them, not to mention the cost...

Roman just pleaded to any deity, fairy, fairy godperson, _anyone_ who was listening that Logan would succeed in his quest to save Virgil, that they would both come home to them safe, and alive, and –

Talyn’s eyes flew open. “Oh.”

“Oh, what?!” asked four different people; Roman had to restrain both Patton and himself from bolting to the sides of their fellow Sides, and Joan had to wrap their arms around Thomas to keep him from leaping off of the couch.

Talyn didn’t reply at first, their mouth moving silently for a few moments; none of the others dared say anything, lest they break their concentration. After a moment the Mage-Manifester said slowly, “I was finally able to reach Logan. He survived the fall from Virgil’s Subconscious… apparently, from the snippets I’m getting that he’s seeing, Virgil built a Memory Forest for all the good and bad memories he has and is now walking into that in search of Virgil.”

“Is this all good or bad?” demanded Thomas, his body almost vibrating with anxiety and nerves.

Talyn hesitated. “Good, I think. I’m catching glimpses of it. Leafless trees with the memories captured within the branches of the trees. It means Virgil’s still reachable; if he wasn’t, I think the memories would be too faded to recognize or would be gone completely. But the deeper Logan moves into the forest the harder it is for me to see anything, though I can still sense him well enough.”

“Is Virgil there?” Patton wanted to know; they all wanted to know.

“There’s an occasional footprint or scuff mark.” Talyn replied slowly, their eyes closed again. “And there’s… blood on the path and the occasional tree trunk.”

“Why is there blood?!” Roman demanded, tightening his arms around Patton when the fatherly Side whimpered. “Is Virgil hurt?!”

Talyn’s eyes remained closed, their mouth pressed into a thin line. “When Logan found Virgil on top of the cliff, it was as if any wound he ever had had opened and were bleeding through his clothes. Add in the fall, I’m not surprised there’s blood on the path.” They paused, forehead scrunched, head cocked to the side. “The tree trunks… their colors have changed. They’re white up ahead, instead of dark –” They cut themselves off. “Oh, God…”

Thomas managed to free himself from Joan, who had jumped at Talyn’s exclamation; the three of them had to pile onto the Host to keep him from breaking the circle. “What is it? What’s wrong?! Is Virgil…” Thomas couldn’t give voice to his fear.

A tear slipped out of Talyn’s closed eyes. “Virgil… Logan found Virgil’s body.”

“His _body?!_ ” cried Patton. “What’s wrong with him?!”

“I don’t know. I think… I think he’s unconscious.” They were frowning. “Now that Logan’s gone deeper into the forest I’m having more trouble seeing anyth-” they stopped, their mouth opening slightly. “No…”

“Talyn, please, tell us what’s going on!” Roman begged. “What is it?”

“Logan… he’s screaming. He’s… he’s crying.” They opened their eyes. “I think…” they swallowed hard. “I think we’re too late.”

“No.” Thomas shook his head. “No, no, no, no, no.” His legs gave out underneath him and he collapsed, Joan barely moving quick enough to catch him and ease the two of them onto the floor. “No…”

“Breathe, Thomas.” Joan whispered, their voice cracking as they pulled their friend tightly against their chest. “Breathe. It’s not over yet. Have faith in Logan, and in Virgil.”

Roman pulled Patton backwards with him until they were leaning against the couch next to Thomas and Joan and he threw an arm around Joan’s shoulders; in his arms, Patton reached out and took one of Thomas’ hands.

Together the four of them watched Talyn focus on the two men in the circle, their eyes once again shut, their mouth silently moving as they focused their magic into attempting to reach through the Sides and see what was happening even as a line of blood ran from their nose down across their lips.

“Talyn, your nose…” Joan said quietly, worry thick on their voice.

Talyn wiped it away on their shoulder in aggravation before returning their focus back to Logan and Virgil leaving a smear of blood on their face and their shirt.

“What… what does the blood mean?” Roman asked, though he was afraid to know the answer.

Joan took a deep breath and let it out. “It means they’re reaching the last of their magic. Talyn hasn’t attempted something this draining for so long before.”

“Can Logan and Virgil return without the aid of Talyn’s magic if they have to pull out?”

Joan shrugged, eyes flickering from Talyn to Roman. “I don’t know.”

“I can hear you guys, you know.” Talyn growled. “I’m not leaving them in there. I’m _fine_.”

“Talyn, if you use up your magic – ” Joan started to say, but Talyn interrupted.

“I said I’m fine!” they spat. “I’ve pulled back to the cliff to wait for them to conserve my magic. I am not leaving them in here!”

Roman didn’t like the sound of that.

If Talyn used up their magic, what would happen to them? Would they pass out, get sick, _die_?!

Were they about to lose Virgil _and_ Talyn? What would happen to Logan? To Thomas, to all of them if they lost even one of their friends?

But to lose a friend, and at least one Side, if not two?

OoOoO

“… Ok.”

Relief flooded Logan’s body and he couldn’t help but pull Vigil into a tight embrace. “Thank you.” He whispered, not caring at all that his voice was cracking, that there were tears on his cheeks. “Thank you, Virgil.”

Virgil hesitantly returned the hug, the Voice returning with a vengeance.

**He’s just saying all this to get you back to Thomas. All he cares about is Thomas, not you! Who would give a half shit about you?!**

Virgil ignored it; even if it never happened again, even in his younger’s self’s body… Logan was hugging him.

He never wanted to let go.

**He hates you! After you put Thomas through Hell yet again, he’s just saying what you want to hear to get you back to Thomas. Then Thomas will give you an Order so you can never try and escape them again!**

**_There are ways around Orders._** Virgil countered silently. **_I’ll find it._**

Way too soon, Logan pulled back enough to look into Virgil’s eyes. “Are you ready to go home?” he asked roughly, dragging the back of his fingers on Virgil’s cheek to wipe away the tears the Anxious Side hadn’t realized he had been shedding.

**This is your last chance, fool. Stay, and you don’t have to worry about working around Orders, or facing the other Sides, the truth that they can’t stand the sight of you, or that Logan couldn’t give a shit about you! He _hates_ you! They all hate you!**

Virgil couldn’t help the flinch or the hissed “Shut up!”

Logan cocked his head. “Who are you talking to?”

Virgil flushed and pulled free of Logan’s grasp. “No one.”

“I don’t believe you.” Logan countered softly, following Virgil, though he didn’t try to touch him. “Is it your own anxiety?”

Virgil wrapped his arms around himself and didn’t answer. Instead, he leaned against a nearby tree, giving himself a view of his empty adult body.

**Take control and leave!**

Virgil flinched.

Logan stepped around to stand in front of Virgil, something simmering in his eyes, barely restrained. “What is _it_ telling you?” he growled.

**See? See the barely restrained disgust, the hatred, see how he _reviles_ you?!**

“Let me guess.” Logan continued. “That none of us can stand your presence, that we never could. That I’m trying to trap you into returning to Thomas with me, that you disgust me, that I hate you and could never, ever love you. Something along those lines, Virgil?”

Virgil’s grip on himself tightened, ignoring the stinging of the wounds under the sweatshirt, ignoring the Voice screaming in his head.

He nodded jerkily, screwing his eyes shut in shame.

**Wait for it… I told you!**

Logan tilted Virgil’s chin up. “Look at me, Virgil.” He requested softly.

**Here it is! Confirmation!**

He didn’t want to. Gods, he didn’t want to. But Virgil found he couldn’t _not_ do as Logan asked.

Logan caught and held his gaze, fingers still beneath Virgil’s chin. “You are important to me, Virgil. You have been for a long time, longer than I think either of us realizes. I will never purposely harm you in any way, or let anyone hurt you, ever again. I will stand with you against the world, whether that is the world, one person, or the darkness of your own mind. I will be yours as long as you will have me, yours and yours alone. I love you, Virgil. Now and forever.”

After the declaration, Logan leaned down and chastely pressed his lips to Virgil’s.

Virgil, too shocked at the turn of events and Logan’s declaration, couldn’t move at first.

In the back of his mind, a child’s voice whispered ‘I told you he loves you.’

_I love you, Virgil. Now and forever._

Virgil hesitantly reached up and placed his hands on Logan’s hips; at the same time Logan slipped both hands onto either side if Virgil’s face, one hand sliding back to slip into his hair; in the back of both of their minds, they both faintly realized Virgil was returning to his normal – if slightly shorter than Logan – height.

Logan stepped forward, gently pressing himself again Virgil, deepening the kiss as Virgil wrapped one of his arms around Logan’s torso, clutching him like a lifeline, the other sliding between them to grasp his lapel, his back against the tree. Somewhat clumsily, Logan touched his tongue to Virgil’s lips, who just as inexpertly opened his mouth with a soft gasp as Logan’s tongue slipped in to slide against his own; peppermint met chocolate is a swirl of tongues and soft moans.

Breathless, Logan finally had to pull away, wanting nothing more than to keep making out with Virgil, to feel their skin touch and slide against each other, to touch his love everywhere he could, to never leave his side again…

“We should go back,” Logan whispered huskily – he had never, _ever_ , thought he would ever apply that word to himself – pressing another chaste kiss to Virgil’s swollen lips, doing his best to ignore how his pants felt as if they had shrunk a size, at how heat seemed to be radiating off both of them.

Fear flashed in Virgil’s eyes and he curled his shoulders in, and Logan didn’t need to be a psychic to know what Virgil was thinking. “It’ll be ok, love.” He whispered, gently cupping Virgil’s cheek. “I won’t let anyone hurt you. Not the other Sides, not Thomas, not even myself. I promise.”

Virgil still looked scared, but it dimmed as Logan took one of Virgil’s hands in his own, and they began walking towards the trail which led out of the woods to the base of the cliff.

OoOoO

It had been two hours, at the very least, if not more.

Two plus hours, another nosebleed, and countless tears.

Roman was beginning to fear they were going to have to force Talyn to pull Logan out and go back in after they were rested for Virgil lest they risk losing Talyn to unconsciousness or worse when –

“Holy shit!”

Talyn was swearing, and a blast of magic flared so bright it was as if the sun was there in the living room, blinding them from seeing what was happening or even seeing anyone inside the circle; one of the stones making the circle cracked.

As quickly as the flair happened, Talyn’s magic went out completely. Shakily, they reached out and moved one of the stones that made up the circle; it shattered in their hand. They barely made it out of the circle before collapsing.

_“Talyn!!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's over a week late, and so short.
> 
> Trigger Warning: bullying, suicide, mourning. Mentions of suicide, abuse, animal cruelty/death

  _“Talyn!!”_

Joan scrambled off the couch so fast they tripped and fell onto the floor as Talyn collapsed onto the ground most of the way outside of the circle, their hand sending shards of broken stone everywhere; all the candles making up the circle winked out. Joan dragged themself clumsily onto their knees to briefly hover uncertainly over Talyn before reaching to roll them over.

Thomas grabbed their wrist as he joined Joan on the floor, his voice frantic. “Wait! The circle! If we break it –”

“The circle is already broken!” Joan retorted as they carefully rolled Talyn onto their back, doing their best to avoid the broken bits of stone. “Talyn broke it when they moved the stone!” They turned their attention to their friend, cupping their face with their hands; a line of blood ran down the Mage’s face from their nose. “Talyn? C’mon, Talyn, open your eyes. Please, Talyn…”

Thomas hovered next to his friends, finally leaving the pair briefly to pad into the kitchen with a glance at Patton and Roman as the two Sides gathered themselves to check on Logan and Virgil. Yanking open the drawer to the left of the sink Thomas grabbed two clean towels and drenched them in cool water. Returning, he handed one to Joan who immediately started cleaning the blood from Talyn’s skin; Thomas folded the cloth and placed on his friend’s forehead, his mind running in circles.

_Please, let Talyn be alright…_

_Please let Logan and Virgil wake up…_

_What’s wrong with Talyn?_

_Why haven’t Logan and Virgil woken up?_

_Did they make it back?_

_Are they lost forever?_

_If something has happened to any of them, it’ll all be my fault…_

“Has this… has something like this happened before to Talyn?” Thomas asked after a moment. “Have they passed out from…” he trailed off, unsure what to call it – whatever _it_ was.

“From magical exhaustion?” Joan asked without taking their eyes off Talyn; their nose continued to bleed from both nostrils. “Yeah. Once. When they saved a cat and her litter of kittens last year when the disgusting piece of garbage human threw them into a bag and tossed it into the river.”

“I remember those kittens!” exclaimed Thomas, briefly sidetracked by the memory. “They said that they found them in a box in the park. They were so cute, and you guys brought them over here! But there wasn’t a mom cat.”

Cuddling the kittens had set off his allergies and he had suffered for two days because the cat hair left all over the place, but the soft kitten fur and silly antics and adorable meows and purrs had been totally worth it.

Joan snorted. “Wasn’t like we could very well tell you how we had saved them. Talyn had to get them breathing again, get the water out of their lungs and heal their cuts and in one case broken leg.” They paused. “It was trying to heal the mother cat that made them pass out. It looked like someone had dumped some sort of chemical on her; she was covered in chemical burns. Some of the kittens had smaller burns as well.”

Thomas had never been introduced to an adult cat. He winced. “Trying to heal? I take it she didn’t make it?”

“No.” Joan shook their head, clasping one of Talyn’s hands in their own and held it against their cheek. “That was what made Talyn pass out, trying to heal the cat’s wounds. They’ve been working almost nonstop since then to get stronger and more powerful; it’s why they lasted so long this time.”

“I hate people sometimes,” Thomas growled, teeth clenched as he turned the towel on Talyn’s forehead over so the cool side was against their skin. “People like that deserve to be hurt in kind.”

“Talyn’s been tempted to track them down,” Joan said. “Not sure what stopping them. Hopefully not me, because I would be all for it.”

Thomas stared at his best friend, shocked to hear them so blatantly state in general terms that they would have helped someone hurt another human. But then he remembered the little kittens, a few with scars obvious under their fur, the little calico runt cuddled against his chest and purring with all her might, paws doing the happy kneading paddy cake motion into his sweatshirt.

Maybe he would have helped, too. In fact, yes, he would.

He looked over at his present Sides, watching as Roman attempted to wake up Logan, alternating between threats and pleas; Patton was rocking Virgil as one would a small child. Fear and worry were trying to crawl up the back of his throat, but he savagely shoved it away. He had to stay focused. It was the only way to help the Sides and Talyn. He could not panic right now.

On the ground, Talyn groaned and opened their eyes.

OoOoO

 As soon as it was obvious the circle was broken and it seemed to be safe Roman and Patton rushed over to the motionless two Sides within the circle, dropping to their knees; Patton immediately pulled Virgil into his lap to hold the other Side tightly to his chest, rocking him back and forth, tears leaking out of his eyes. “Roman,” he whispered. “Why aren’t they waking up?”

Roman frowned down at the Logical Side, wishing he would wake up and give them all an explanation – and hopefully bring the Anxious Side back with him. “I don’t know, dearest. Perhaps… perhaps it’s taking them longer because Talyn passed out, and they’re having to find their way back on their own, unaided by their magic.”

It was not the most ‘logical’ answer by any means, but Roman would stretch the truth as much as possible if it brought one shred of solace and hope for his love; he didn’t have the heart to voice what he thought – what he feared – was truly happening: that they weren’t coming back. Talyn had said they didn’t think the two Sides could make it back unaided; it was why they had pulled their magic back to the cliff.

But Talyn had let out an exclamation before passing out. Perhaps they had been exclaiming about Logan and perhaps Virgil reaching the cliff, and the blinding light had been them bringing the two Sides back to the rest of them?

Logan was too stubborn to Fade/die, and there was no way he would allow the same to happen to Virgil.

One could only hope…

“Yo, Calculator Watch.” Roman shook Logan. “Wake up! Up and at ‘em, Logic!”

Nothing.

“Stop being so ‘extra’ and wake up already! And you call _me_ dramatic!”

Nothing.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Roman could see Joan cleaning the blood from the now-conscious Talyn’s face, Thomas on his knees next to the pair, eyes flitting from his friends to the Sides, his hands twisting on each other in worry and nerves.

Patton was combing his fingers through Virgil’s hair, softly a humming ‘Reflections’ as he continued to rock his strange, dark son’s limp body, eyes fixed on Logan with a look of fierce determination.

“Logan, I _swear_ if you do not wake up right this instant, I will take every single one of your precious books and rip them apart, page by page, and then light them on fire!” Roman growled in the Logical Side’s ear. “Wake _up_ , damn it! Stop worrying us!”

Nothing. Then…

Roman let out a cry of shock and had to jerk himself back to keep from being clocked in the head by Logan as he sat upright with a gasp, eyes wide and frantic “Virgil!”  and then started to fall over to the side.

Roman caught Logan as he flinched, squeezing his eyes shut, holding his head gingerly, a hiss of pain escaping past lips and clenched teeth like he did when he got a sudden migraine. “Logan! It’s ok, you’re back – ”

“Did you find Virgil?” Thomas broke in as he crawled over to them. “What happened? Last Talyn saw was you both fell over the edge of a cliff, and something about a memory forest, and a body...”

Logan nodded, forcing his eyes open, searching for Virgil. When he saw the Anxious Side still limp in Patton’s arms, he forced himself to crawl on his hands and knees the little ways over to the pair. “Yes, I found him.” He whispered, shaking fingers reaching out to touch the bruised cheek. “He was in the center of the forest, where the bark of the trees was white, and the memories seemed to be actually truly happy memories instead of made ones… at least, his body, this body,” – he motioned to Virgil –  was. He… he was dead. No heartbeat, nothing.”

“What?!” Patton cried out. “I thought we couldn’t die!”

“We can’t. At least, that’s what I thought… what I’ve read.” Logan replied. “I thought… I didn’t understand. We can’t die… but he was dead. It didn’t make any sense to me. I – I broke down.” He said in a whisper. “It hurt so much… and then I heard music. The lines were from one of the songs by Evanescence. ‘Look for me in a white forest/hiding in a hollow tree’. So I went looking.”

“Did you find him?!” demanded Thomas. “How can you have found him in the forest if you already found his… his dead body?”

“The Virgil I found… wasn’t our Virgil as we’ve known him.” Logan answered, cupping Virgil’s cheek. “It was his ‘Inner Child’. I speculate he was around seven human years old physically.” Everyone looked at Logan, confused. He continued, “Virgil’s Inner Child seems to have a lot of self-preservation. He took over and pulled our Virgil out of his physical body and into his own and took them to where I found him – them – and waited for me inside a hollow tree rather reminiscent of a leafless, white Grandmother Willow.”

“What did he say? Was it Virgil?” asked Roman.

Logan shrugged, his eyes fixed on Virgil’s lax face. “When we first spoke, it was Child Virgil, though he was aware of everything that’d happened to Virgil up to that point. When I asked him where adult Virgil was, he explained that he was inside of him – it was far less confusing as this all sounds if you were actually there – and that adult Virgil didn’t believe anything he heard after he…after he…” Logan couldn’t say it. “After. He was sometimes situationally aware and heard bits and pieces of our conversations, starting when we found him but thought that they were either hallucinations or were Deceit taunting him. Child Virgil also explained that Adult Virgil thought we all hated him… perhaps that we’ve hated him all along.”

“Hold up,” Thomas said. “How could… how could Adult Virgil doubt us and Child Virgil didn’t?”

Logan took a deep breath and recited, “’Because while I think myself as worthless and a waste, I know you and Patton and Roman disagree, and you care about us. After everything that has happened, I’m a separate part of Virgil while still him. He’s… he still has all of the pain and fear and everything bad inside of him, and his heart”. That is what he told me, word for word.”

“But we do care!” Patton cried, holding Virgil closer. “How can he think otherwise?”

“Because he is Anxiety,” Logan said quietly, holding his arms out to Patton in a silent request. “Because in addition to that, he has his _own_ depression and anxiety to deal with.”

Gently – after giving the Anxious Side one last hug – Patton handed Virgil over to Logan. “What happened then?” Patton asked quietly. “Did you get to talk to adult Virgil?”

Logan nodded, eyes gazing down at the quiet young man in his arms. “I begged Child Virgil to let me talk to Adult Virgil, to convince him that we all still cared… that we – that I – love him. To beg him to come back with us. Eventually he did, but warned me that if he had to, he’d take back over if he thought Adult Virgil was in too much pain. He… Child Virgil told me to find a way to save Virgil from himself.”

Joan helped Talyn sit up, their body slumped over with exhaustion. “I take it you got to talk to Adult Virgil?” they asked, voice rough and weak.

“Yes. At first, he thought I was a hallucination,” replied Logan. “Then… then I think he thought I was Deceit masquerading as me. After he started believing that I was really me… we talked.” Logan _really_ didn’t want to relate the details of their conversation to the others; it was private. “He told me the origins of his ‘relationship’ with Deceit – which I will not repeat, even to you Thomas, that is up to Virgil, not me, so don’t even ask!” Logan spat; Thomas closed his open mouth.

After glaring at them all, Logan continued, “After talking for a while more, he became upset and attempted to walk away but collapsed due to a panic attack. Well,” the Logical Side winced. “it was me telling him that I… loved him… that triggered the attack.” He whispered, shamefaced. “It took a long, long time for him to come out of it. Once he was mostly out of it he asked me how I was there, so I explained about Talyn. He wasn’t really all that surprised.”

Talyn smiled silently.

“And then I told him how we all had different ‘nightmares’, and how we figured out that Deceit was the one behind them, but that we just thought they were regular old nightmares meant to turn us against Virgil and our worry that Deceit would give nightmares of a similar nature to Virgil. I told him that at that point we didn’t yet realize that those events had actually played out in real life. He told me that all of the interactions he had with us while we were Dreamwalking were believable because Deceit took all of his fears of the three of us and made them real.”

“What?!” Roman’s demanded, his face a mixture of anger, horror, and disgust. “He thinks I would physically strike him?! I would never dream of it!” he winced at his accidental use of ‘dream’. “You all know what I mean,” he muttered. “I would never hurt him.”

_Ahh, but you did, didn’t you? You shoved him hard with your elbow only this morning!_

“I believe his fears stem from all of your fights and adventures, and your volatile personality, and… other reasons.” Logan explained, hedging around the truth as much as he could.

“And, exactly, what are these ‘other reasons’?” asked Roman suspicious – though he had a bad feeling why. He was _so_ going to punch Deceit the next time he saw him!

“That’s for Virgil to say,” Logan informed him as he brushed a lock of hair away from Virgil’ face.

 “Did you explain about the Dreamwalking?” Thomas asked, helping Talyn sit steady while Joan went to the kitchen to grab them a glass of water; they had tried to move them to the couch buy had been met with a ‘you are kidding, right?’ look that neither felt like questioning. Joan had to hold the glass to their lips for Talyn, whose hands were shaking too badly to do it on their own.

“Yes. I told him about you Summoning Deceit, how Deceit finally admitted what he had done, the Dreamwalking, all of it. I told him how Roman and I had found him, that I had sutured his wounds while Roman cleaned him, and how Thomas and Patton had gotten into contact with Talyn and Joan for help on how to reach him by diving into the Dark Net.” Logan paused. “We talked a bit more, and then… then I begged him to come back with me.”

“What did he say?!” five different voices asked in chorus when Logan paused.

“He said yes.” Logan sniffed. “I thought… I thought that because, inside of his mind, he’d been injured, and that was why he was taking longer than me to wake up. But now… he should’ve woken up by now.” A tear rolled down the Logical Side’s cheek, and his voice broke as he continued. “Virgil… you said you’d come back with me. You _promised_. You promised… Please, Virgil… please, wake up.” Logan begged; Virgil remained still and unmoving.

“As soon as I have some magic back, I’ll dive back in and see if I can find him,” Talyn offered.

“But why isn’t he waking up now?” Patton asked quietly, fingers clenched in the sleeves of his sweater.

“I brought them both back with the last of my magic,” Talyn said. “At least, I… I thought I did. They both touched the rope of magic I left on the cliff…” they trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

“Maybe he let go, or something prevented him from being pulled up. Maybe he’s too weak, with all the wounds, to wake up” – _if at all_ – Roman hesitantly suggested, his voice odd. “But… but I don’t…” he couldn’t say the words they were all now thinking, his throat closing itself off.

_I don’t think he’s coming back._

The words remained unspoken, but everyone knew what words they were.

Thomas let out a sob, clamping a hand over his mouth to muffle the noise; Joan and Talyn wrapped their combined arms around Thomas right before he collapsed into a hunched sitting position next to them, tears running down his cheeks a Joan pulled him tight against their chest, and Talyn hugged him tightly from behind.

Roman wrapped an arm around a crying Patton’s shoulders and pulled the fatherly Side tightly against his side, placing the free hand on Logan’s shoulder, noticing how it was shaking, and ignoring how his own eyes were leaking their own tears.

And Logan… Logan couldn’t feel anything, nothing but the feeling of his chest being shredded from the inside into tiny pieces and scattered to the four winds, the pain radiating outwards as if his blood vessels had been filled with minuscule razor blades…

… and the cold body of the love of his life lifeless in his arms.

Logan screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? If I misgendered anyone let me know! Pretty sure I didn't at all this time, but when I get into the 'zone' my fingers are sometimes faster than my brain and for some reason said brain doesn't always pick them out when I'm proofing.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I decided to just post this one scene. If I decide to add to it, I'll remove this one a post the new on in it's place. If not, the next chapter will be posted on its own.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS!!: torture, burning, kidnapping, panic attacks, alluding to torture and non-con; references to non-con, torture, Fading/dying, suicide, cutting/burning. If I missed anything please let me know.

 

Something was wrong. Very, very wrong.

_…cold…_

Why was it so cold? Thomas never kept his air conditioning this low…

_Pain…_

Virgil knew he should feel some  pain – he had carved a word into his chest earlier, not to mention what he had done to his arms – but right now his entire body was numb, not dissimilar to when he had attempted to Fade – was it only last night? Yesterday? – and had been in a tub of ice-cold water. His joints were screaming in pain, worse than when he had come down with the flu a couple years ago. He tried to move so he could curl up into a ball and gather any shred of warmth, or draw a little comfort to his aching body…

...and found he could not move, found his hands were above his head, and tied to something to the point his toes barely touched the carpeted floor. What little movement he had managed with his lower body sent a shock of pain through his entire body, causing his eyes to fly open in confusion.

Only to realize he couldn’t see anything.

Panic started to creep up his spine, memories at the edge of his mind where he had shoved them years ago in an attempt to forget that the events had ever happened. His breaths shortened, though it felt like he wasn’t getting any oxygen at all; his ears were ringing, but he still heard the voice when it spoke a little ways away.

“Awake, are you? Tsk. Took your sorry ass long enough.”

_That_ had not been the voice he had been expecting. “Rage,” Virgil rasped. “Why…”

Fingers traced the word ‘Worthless’ on Virgil’s chest; he jerked, trying to get the finger to stop touching him.

The scent of menthol cigarette smoke.

“…Apathy? W-what – ”

“What am I doing? Why am I doing it?” Virgil could almost hear their shrug. “Because _he_ asked me to do it, and threw in an IOU on top of it. I wasn’t going to turn _that_ down.”

The smell of burning meat.

Pain.

Virgil hissed in pain, biting his lip to keep from screaming as Apathy put out their cigarette on his stomach, a few inches above his navel. Trying to focus on anything but the pain, Virgil realized that while he was still wearing his jeans, his was barefoot and shirtless; he could feel rods from what he didn’t know against his bare back. The temperature told him he was probably in Apathy’s room; they didn’t really care what it was since temperature didn’t bother them one way or the other.

“Well, _I’m_ doing it for fun!” Rage said gleefully. “He asked me to make this last as long as possible. And boy, do I have some fun ideas for you, Anxiety!”

Virgil didn’t need to ask either Side who ‘he’ was.

“Please,” he begged, voice barely above a whisper. “please, don’t. Please just let me go…”

“For fuck’s sake, shut him up already!” a new voice sighed in exasperation: Lust.

“Sure.” Rage sounded as though he was directly in front of Virgil, who barely had time to flinch before Rage punched him in the stomach, hitting the burn left from Apathy’s cigarette. This time, Virgil couldn’t help but cry out. The moment his mouth opened, however, something round was shoved into his mouth, straps on either side of the ball fastened behind his head.

A ball gag. Something Deceit had used on him when he talked too much. At least this one was smooth, unlike the one Deceit had often used…

Not that that thought was very comforting. And it opened the door to a whole host of shattered bits of memories he never wanted to remember, but those suppressed memories were eating through the cages he had put them in, chewing and clawing their ways free, sending fear and panic were coursing through his veins and mixing with the present.

Rage giggled. “Aww, look at how scared he is! This is gonna be so much fun!”

In the blink of an eye, Virgil could see again – and dearly wished he couldn’t.

Apathy had another lit cigarette hanging from their lips, seated a few feet away on the arm of the sofa, arms crossed over his chest as he watched Rage and Virgil with a look bordering on boredom.

Lust was on his phone at the table, nails painted blood red. His hair was a little longer than Thomas’ or any of the other Sides, and his makeup put some Red Carpet actresses to shame.

Rage was holding an unlit candle to Apathy’s lighter until the wick caught, tossing the lighter back to Apathy without looking. He stepped forwards Virgil, and it was then that the Anxious Side realized he was tied to the railing of the staircase. He yanked at whatever was tying him even though he knew it was pointless.

Rage grinned maliciously, taking his time as he approached Virgil. “Oh, Anxiety, did you really think you could return to your happy little ‘family’ without consequences? After you left us, left him? I do have to admit, my money was on Deceit. Totally was not expecting what happened!” He reached up and clenched his hand around the bandage Logan had applied, sending shards of pain radiating up and down Virgil’s left arm. “You made me lose! I _hate_ losing!”

“You owe me twenty bucks, by the way.” Lust interrupted, wiggling his fingers at Rage without taking his eyes off his phone. “Pay up.”

With a growl, Rage thrust his hand into his pocket and threw a couple of crumpled up bills at the seated Side. “As I was saying, I didn’t expect those goody-two-shoes Sides to even bother looking for you, let alone actually find you.” He backhanded Virgil, splitting his lip. “What they see in you I will _never_ understand!”

“It’s called a pity project, Rage.” Apathy said as they got to their feet, lit cigarette held between two fingers. “It’s the only explanation.” They smirked when Virgil flinched as they walked by – a little closer than necessary – on their way to the kitchen.

“Not the _only_ reason.” Lust said, one eyebrow cocked, red lips smirking. “Despite having each other, perhaps the Golden Trio get off on watching each other top Anxiety. He is _such_ a bottom, according to Deceit, and others.”

Apathy returned, an open can of Coke in the cigarette-free hand. “You do have a point, I suppose. Deceit did train him, after all.”

Rage held the lit candle in front of Virgil’s face where he could see the melted wax pooling in the jar and feel the heat from the flame on his skin. “Perhaps I’ll have to take you for a spin later! But first things first.” He tilted the candle, allowing a few drops of the hot wax to fall onto Virgil’s chest, dripping down over one of the sutured ‘O’s. “Deceit asked for us to send a message to you.”

Virgil moaned in pain as the wax started to cool in the sutured wound.

Rage cackled. “Did you like that? Do you want more?” he didn’t wait for Virgil’s answer, instead tilting the candle over more of the wounds. Melted wax mixed with the blood drawn out of the warmed skin, tinging it pink as it dripped further down Virgil’s chest.

Virgil flinched and tried to jerk away, cracking his head on one of the bars behind him, adding a throbbing head the ever-growing list of pain. Tears leaking out of his eyes, and saliva dripped down his chin.

“Hmm, wonder what leaving the wax there will do to the scarring process,” Apathy wondered aloud, running a finger over the hardening wax before applying pressure, watching a Virgil squirmed under their touch. “Guess we will see.” they put out the cigarette on the skin over Virgil’s heart.

“He’s not making as much noise as I thought he would,” Rage said almost petulantly. Then his eyes lit up. “Here, hold this.” He shoved the candle into Apathy’s hand and disappeared into the kitchen, rummaging around in the cooking utensils drawer.

“No knives, remember?” Apathy called, rolling their eyes. “Deceit’s orders.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, bossy. That’s not what I’m looking – ah, hah!”

Rage returned, brandishing a couple of metal skewers. He took the candle back from Apathy and tapped the metal skewers against the jar. “Let’s add to your scars, shall we?” His eyes roamed over Virgil’s exposed skin. “Where to start, though…”

Virgil’s eyes widened in fear, and he turned his face away from them as his body attempted to shrink in on itself. “Pl’e…’o…”

“What was that? Speak up!” Rage placed the tip of one of the skewers under Virgil’s chin, forcing him to meet his gaze. “Aww, are you afraid, Anxiety? Wishing you weren’t here? Well, you only have yourself to blame, you know.” He whipped his hand back and slashed the tip of the skewer across Virgil’s face, leaving a thin bleeding scratch behind, broken only by the strap of the ball gag.

Behind the two Sides and unnoticed by Virgil Lust winced, seeming despite himself before locking his eyes on his phone. One hand was picking at the red nail polish of a finger absently.

**You deserve this, you know.**

Oh, great. The voice was back. Virgil closed his eyes, head hanging in shame.

_I know,_ he thought. _I know I do. I never should have left the Forest with Logan._

**All you do is cause problems for everyone in your life, from Thomas and Logan to Patton and Roman, even Deceit and the other Dark Sides. You deserve what they’re doing to you, and worse. Worse than you can imagine, worse than even _they_ can imagine.**

Another tear trailed down Virgil’s cheek from his closed eyes, the salt in it stinging the cut left behind from the skewer.

A fist slammed into Virgil’s stomach. “I did not give you permission to close your eyes, Anxiety!” Rage shouted angrily. “Look at me!”

Virgil shook his head in refusal, keeping his eyes shut.

Perhaps, if he made Rage angry enough, he would make him lose consciousness.

“If you won’t look at me under your own choice, I’ll make you look at me!” Rage threatened.

Apathy sighed. “Just do what you want to; he’ll open his eyes sooner or later.” They took a long drag from their cigarette, making it crackle softly.

“Hmph.” Rage snorted, but didn’t say anything else.

Virgil knew he should open his eyes to avoid pain – a candle and a metal object? Not good. He had experimented with burning along with cutting, but it hadn’t ‘hurt’ in the right way that he wanted.

Not that it didn’t hurt.

He knew what was coming.

He could feel the heat hovering over his skin, just below his ribcage.

“Open your eyes, Anxiety!”

He refused.

Burning hot metal pierced his skin, penetrating almost half an inch.

Virgil groaned, barely able to swallow back a scream.

The metal was removed, but the pain stayed.

Less than a minute later the hot metal pierced his skin again, this time below his right breast.

Then his left side.

Then below his collarbone.

Then – the long way, not the tip – his upper right arm.

Then below his navel, right above the waistband of his pants.

“You’re making it smell in here,” Lust complained, shoving the chair back as he got to his feet. “I’m going back to my place; I need to fix my nails, and I’m bored.”

Virgil listened to Lust’s footsteps as they left the room.

“Whatever,” Apathy muttered. “He has _such_ a weak stomach.” They put out another cigarette on Virgil’s right shoulder. “I have an idea.”

Rage seemed curious. “What?”

Hands grabbed Virgil’s body and roughly twisted it, turning him around so his back was to them and slamming him into the staircase. “Well, we have a nice, blank canvas to work with.” They stated. “That, and…” they trailed off.

After a moment, Rage chuckled. “Yes, there is that, too.”

Virgil felt sick; he knew what they meant, what Apathy must have implied with a look or gesture.

A line of burning pain from hot metal sent pain through Virgil’s shoulder, another from his lower back. Over and over, all over the exposed skin of his back, shoulders, and arms. One pain blurred into another until Virgil could have sworn his whole back was covered in hot metal; he couldn’t hold back the sob that made its way past his lips and the gag any further.

Apathy snorted; Rage chuckled.

“I see you two are having a wonderful time. How nice.”

Fear far stronger than what he had been feeling having two Dark Sides torturing him swamped Virgil. Bile burned the back of his throat, and he jerked helplessly at what held him tied to the railing weakly.

Breath tickled Virgil’s ear, and a body pressed itself against Virgil’s back.

“Hello, darling. I’ve missed you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG another update!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: references to burning, torture, non-con/rape

Lust heaved a sigh of relief as he closed the door of his room and leaned against it, grateful for the barrier between him and what was happening in Rage’s room. He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose; even far enough away to not hear anything, he could still hear the sound of Anxiety’s – Virgil’s – pain, and smell the blood and burning skin.

He hadn’t thought the other Sides would go this far, and he feared they were just getting started.

“Where the _Hell_ have you b – ” the lilting voice trailed off. “Sweetheart, what’s the matter?”

Lust opened his eyes. Sleep – Remy, he scolded himself – was holding one of the endless iced coffees in hand, tinted glasses on the top of his head to leave the fading anger and growing concern in his eyes plainly evident.

Lust sighed. “Rage and Apathy managed to grab Virgil as Thomas’ Mage friend was pulling him and Logan back to Consciousness.”

“Damn it!” Remy swore, slamming his coffee cup onto the table. “I was hoping they’d make it back. Virgil’s been doing so much better since he left the other Dark Sides. How the Hell did they manage that?”

Lust hesitated; he knew Remy and Virgil had been friends – of a sort – before the Anxious Side left to join the Light Sides, and visited each other still on occasion. “I don’t know how they did it,” he said slowly. “but it… isn’t good.”

Remy frowned. “I thought Thomas gave Deceit an Order not to hurt Virgil or any other Side. Wouldn’t that include having other Sides hurting him?”

“Apparently not,” replied Lust, pushing himself off of the door finally and entering the living room, dropping onto the couch and cradling his head in his hands; Remy seated himself next to him. “or maybe because Deceit didn’t tell them to do it, but asked. You know as well as I do that Deceit in addition to being a manipulative bastard is an expert on finding loopholes. Rage still takes offense to the fact Virgil left, and Apathy is… well, Apathy.”

“Are they holding him captive?” demanded Remy, half-rising as if ready to charge off to Virgil’s rescue. “Because if so, I’m going to have to go and have words with them!”

“Don’t.” Lust said quietly, grabbing Remy’s arm. “You can’t go charging in there; it won’t help Virgil.”

Remy’s eyes hardened. “Love, what are they doing to him?”

“They… Virgil’s tied to the staircase railing and stripped to the waist. They’re burning him, with Apathy’s disgusting cigarettes, and Rage found a candle and some metal skewers.” He closed his eyes; he couldn’t lie to Remy about this, no matter how much he might want to. It had been a promise they had made to each other when they had started out as a couple. “But… they both know – all of us non-Light Sides know – what else Deceit and some of the others did to Virgil. Once they get bored of burning him, I’m afraid of what else they will do.”

Remy yanked himself out of Lust’s grasp. “And you left him there?!” he cried, standing. “How could you do that to Virgil!?”

“It wasn’t like I had a choice, Sleep!” Lust retorted, jumping to his feet and attempting – and missing – to grab Remy’s arm. “Me against the two of them? I’m not stupid!”

Remy's eyes were cold. “We go and tell Thomas and the others. And it’s _Remy_.”

“Remy… if we side with the Light Sides… do you have any idea what the Dark ones will do to us? We’re both Neutrals; you always refer to us as Chaotic Neutrals, like those memes you like on Tumblr, remember? The Lights won’t help us against the Darks!” he was almost pleading. If anything happened to Remy…

“Then I’ll do it alone.” Remy spat, turning away from Lust. “We have a choice to do what is easy and what is right; I know what I’m choosing; apparently so do you. I’ll be back later to get my shit out of your room.”

He left without looking back, leaving his coffee on the table.

Once the door closed behind Remy, Lust fell to his knees clutching his chest, and sobbed.

OoOoO

Logan was numb.

He was breaking.

He wanted to scream.

He wanted revenge.

He wanted to cry.

He wanted to hit some(one)thing.

But most of all, he wanted Virgil.

He was still holding Virgil’s body, could still hear the slow, faint beating of his heart, feel his skin cooling, smell the faint smell of blood and antiseptic.

Thomas and the other Sides had, at some point, crawled over to loop arms around each other with him and Virgil at the center; Talyn and Joan were there as well.

“Is there any possibility that we can still reach Virgil?” Thomas asked after a while, turning to look at Talyn from where Joan had him wrapped in their arms.

Talyn shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. Once I have my magic back, I can try again. We can bring in another Mage I trust, if they’re willing.” They rubbed their temple with one hand, trying to ease the oncoming migraine which came hand in hand with draining their magic. “It’ll be a day or two; hopefully Virgil just went back to the Forest. He should be safe in there.”

Patton looked over at them, hope shining in his eyes. “Do you mean it? We might still be able to get Virgil back?” If – when! – they did, he was never letting his strange, dark son out of his sight unless it was with Logan!

“Maybe,” Talyn replied, trying to be hopeful and honest at the same time. “I hope so.”

Patton grinned through his tears. “A maybe is better than a no. I’ll take it!” he turned to look back at Logan, who didn’t seem to have heard. “Logan? Did you hear Talyn? They might still be able to find Virgil and bring him back to us!”

Logan still didn’t answer. Patton started to reach out to touch the Logical Side’s shoulder but stopped himself and let it slide.

A little while later, Patton cocked his head. “Does… does anyone smell that?” he sniffed. “it smells like… burnt meat, or skin.”

Logan seemed to hear him that time. He set Virgil down and unzipped his sweatshirt, lifting the t-shirt to reveal the taped-on bandages he had placed over the sutured wounds.

It also revealed burn wounds that had not been there before, both from something small and pointed and what looked to be almost like cigarettes.

“What the Hell?!” Thomas cried. “Where did those come from?”

“Deceit must have Virgil,” Roman whispered, horrified.

“But how?” Joan asked. “I thought Thomas gave him an Order to not hurt Virgil or any other Side.” They looked to the other Sides for confirmation.

“I – I did,” Thomas said haltingly. “At least… I thought I did!”

“Maybe it didn’t stick,” Patton suggested.

“Or he found a way to circumvent the order,” Logan added, his voice cracking. “Oh, Virgil…”

“I’m going to _kill_ him!” Roman got to his feet, fists clenched at his sides as he looked down at Virgil’s lax face cradled to Logan’s shoulder, at Logan whose eyes were glazed over in pain and staring down at Virgil, watching helplessly as new wound kept appearing on his chest, tears slipping down his cheeks.

“What?!” Patton scrambled to his feet and seized Roman’s sleeve. “Who are you going to go kill?”

Roman’s eyes were hard, his jaw clenched as he tore his gaze away from Virgil and Logan to Patton. “Deceit. He took Virgil away from us, and Thomas! He took Virgil away from Logan before they could enjoy each other’s company. Before Virgil could understand that he is loved, that he matters to all of us! Because he made Virgil think we all hated him, that we wanted to _hurt_ him!”

Patton grimaced. “Not… that I don’t agree with you, love, but… I thought we can’t die. And what will happen to you if you try to kill or succeeding killing Side?”

They all turned to look at Talyn. Talyn held up their hands. “I’ve never heard of any Side ever actually killing another Side.” They cocked their head to the side, thinking. “Although I have heard of – ”

“I don’t care!” Roman shouted, interrupting the Manifester-witch; his sword appeared in his hands. “I’ll just have to be the first.” He growled. “After what he did, he deserves to die! I will make him pay for what he’s doing to Virgil! I’ll carve him into pieces! I’ll – ”

“Roman, Roman, always with the dramatics.” Someone said with a sigh.

Roman spun around, leveling his sword at the speaker and putting himself between them and Thomas and the others. Thomas climbed to his feet, staring at the Side he had never seen before. He was dressed better than Thomas usually did, more of a college kid with money to burn but attempting to look like he didn’t. Tinted glasses were hanging from his collar. His hair was a tad messier than Thomas and the present Sides, and his eyes were slightly puffy and red.

“Who – ” Thomas started to ask but was interrupted by Roman.

“Sleep,” Roman growled. “What the Hell do you want?”

“It’s Remy.” Remy spat. “Or should I go back to calling you Fancy Pants, or Creativity?”

“Point taken.” Roman acknowledged, sword starting to dip towards the carpet before bringing it back to level and the newly arrived Side. “But that still doesn’t tell me what you want.”

Remy stepped forwards until he was mere inches from the tip of Roman’s blade. “I want you to save Virgil.”

“You know where Virgil is?” Logan’s voice was raspy as he raised red eyes to look at the other Side. “Where is he?”

“Does Deceit have him?” asked Thomas.

Remy shook his head. “Not… technically. Rage and Apathy have him in one of their rooms.”

Patton clapped a hand over his mouth; Roman swore. “Those bastards? What the Hell is _their_ problem with Virgil that they would kidnap him?!”

“Because Deceit asked them to,” Remy told them. He turned to Thomas. “Hullo, Thomas. I’m Sleep, aka Sloth, but I liked Sleep better – at least until I chose a real name for myself. From what I heard, you gave an Order to Deceit to not hurt Virgil, so he can’t. But he found a way around it like he usually does.”

“Does that mean that Rage and Apathy are hurting Virgil?” asked Thomas.

Remy nodded.

“Why should you care what happens to Virgil?” Logan growled.

Remy snorted. “Contrary to popular belief” – he shot a glance over at Roman – “us Sides are not just split into Light and Dark Sides. There are also us Neutrals.” He glanced at Thomas. “You’re on Tumblr a lot too, aren’t you? Surely you’ve seen the memes. Lawful, True, and Chaotic divisions of Good, Neutral, and Evil?”

Thomas – and everyone else – all nodded.

Remy continued, “Not to mention Virgil and I are friends. I would sometimes go and check on him after he would upset Deceit and Deceit would punish him. Sometimes he would let me into his room. Sometimes not.” His eyes fell onto the Anxious Side in Logan’s arms. “He’s important to me. Important enough to me that I just broke up with my lover to come and tell you what’s going on.”

“Do any of you know where Rage and Apathy’s rooms are?” Thomas asked, storing the information that Remy had been seeing another Side and his curiosity about who that Side was for later.

“I think I know where Apathy’s room is,” Logan said, frowning down at Virgil’s body. “They’ve stopped burning him, but I can still smell it…”

Joan knelt down next to the pair. “Roll him onto his side,” they said. “let me check his back.”

Once they could see the additional burns on Virgil’s back, Logan felt sick; Patton actually was, brushing by Remy and bolting into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Roman had Remy pinned to the wall supporting the staircase, the blade pressed to his throat. “If you had anything to do with this, if you’re on Deceit’s side…” he threatened, “I will _kill_ you after I’m finished with him!”

Remy was unimpressed, though angry. “While you waste time with your threats, Rage and Apathy are continuing to hurt Virgil.” He spat, pointing at Virgil. “Can we continue this argument after you get him back?”

“I don’t understand something,” Thomas said, making everyone look at him. “If Virgil’s body is here, how are… how are Rage and Apathy hurting him?” while he did not want to think about Virgil being hurt, he was also trying to wrap his head around the fact he had both Rage and Apathy Sides.

“It could be the same way that when Logan found Virgil inside of his mind, all of his wounds were open and bleeding,” Talyn said with a glance at Logan, who nodded in agreement without removing his eyes from Virgil and the wounds that kept appearing. “Any damage to Virgil’s psyche slash spirit appear on his body, and visa versa.”

“Then we need to find and stop them before things escalate.” Remy urged. “Please!”

“How much, exactly, are you expecting shit to escalate, _Sleep_?” Roman hissed.

Remy winced, but didn’t correct Roman. “Let’s just say if we were all real humans he’d be in prison.”

Roman’s blade pricked Remy’s neck; a drop of blood slid down his skin and got soaked up in his black shirt collar.

“I didn’t ask for what would happen to Deceit,” Roman hissed. “I asked for how bad you’re expecting things to get for Virgil.”

Remy locked eyes with Roman. “What do you want me to say?” he asked, voice soft but harsh. “Do you want me to tell you how Deceit beat him into submission? How he 'trained' him? How when he discovered Anxiety was venturing into your guys’ territory that he started going beyond beating? That when he found out about his plans to leave the other Dark Sides permanently Deceit broke him by raping him and passing him around to the other Dark Sides? Because that’s what happened, and more.”

Silence echoed after Remy finished speaking, everyone trying to grapple with what they had just heard; a lone tear dripped down Remy’s cheek.

Patton, who had just managed to leave the bathroom, bolted back inside and could be heard retching into the toilet.

Roman barely maintained a grip on his sword, the tip touching the carpet as he stumbled away from Remy.

Talyn had a hand clamped over their mouth; Joan’s mouth had dropped open.

Thomas’ knees gave out, Joan just managing to catch their friend and ease the two of them down to the floor.

Logan let out a single sob as he lowered himself until his forehead touched Virgil’s, hand not still holding Virgil to his chest sliding up to cup the Anxious Side’s face.

“You said he’s either in Rage or Apathy’s rooms?” Roman said, voice shaking with fury. He turned to Logan. “Tell me how to get to Apathy’s room; I’ll look there first. Then I’ll find a way to find Rage’s room if they’re not in Apathy’s.”

“Roman? What are you going to do?” Thomas asked quietly.

“Whatever needs to be done to save Virgil and bring him safely back to us.” Roman replied. “If I can’t kill Deceit or anyone else who has harmed him, I have a prison that can hold a dragon-witch; if it can hold him, it can hold a few Dark Sides.”

“I’m coming with you.” Said Logan firmly, raising his head to lock eyes with Roman. “I know I won’t be of much use in a fight, but I need to be there when you find him. And I know where Apathy’s room is.” His eyes slid to Patton. “Will you stay here with his… body? Please?”

Patton nodded and hurried over to kneel next to the Logical Side, holding his arms out to take Virgil. “Of course, Logan.” He hesitated. “Both of you… make these bastards pay.”

“I’m coming, too,” said Thomas, climbing to his feet. “I can’t let this happen again. And don’t argue with me,” he added when Roman opened his mouth to say something. “I’m coming with.”

“Wait.” Talyn was digging in their bag. Their hand emerged after a moment, and they held it out to Thomas. “Taken these. Rainbow Fluorite. They neutralize negative energy; hopefully, they’ll neutralize Dark Sides as a form of negative energy.” Five green-purple pointed stones hung on black cable. “I hope you find Virgil.”

Joan had also gotten to their feet. “Are you sure you’re feeling good enough to go?” they asked Thomas worriedly. They turned and looked at Talyn. “Is there any way you could send me with as well?”

Talyn shook their head. “No. I’m completely drained, as are all my stones.” They replied apologetically. “If there was any way I could send you with Thomas I would.”

Joan ran a hand through their hair – their beanie had been lost somewhere at some point – and sighed heavily. “Be safe, Thomas. All of you, too.”

“We won’t let something happen to Thomas,” Roman promised, sheathing his sword. “We will win this fight.” He turned his attention to Logan. “Let’s go save Virgil, Logan.”

Logan cupped Virgil’s cheek. “We’re coming for you, V. I promise.” He placed a kiss on Virgil’s forehead. Then he climbed to his feet, eyes hard with simmering rage. “Let’s go to Apathy’s room.”

“They’re in Rage’s room.”

Another Side emerged from the darkened hallway. His hair was longer than Thomas’, his makeup smudged and eyes puffy.

Roman’s hand was on the hilt of his sword in an instant. “Who the fuck are you?!”

The Side came out into the light, a small smirk on his face. “I’m Lust.” He turned to Remy and the smirk vanished, and he became dead serious. “I’m sorry, Remy. After you left… I realized you were right. In the end, choosing between what is easy and what is right shouldn’t have been such a difficult decision for me, but I was afraid. Afraid of what Deceit and the others would do to me, and to you. You’re far braver than I ever will be. But today I hope to start earning your trust and love back.” He turned to the others. “I know where Virgil is. Follow me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question for all of you... a poll, if you will. should Thomas and the Sides arrive in time to save Virgil from the others going 'too far'? Or should I torture him a little more?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: torture, suicide ideation, burning, mention of past rape/physical assault.

 With Lust leading the way Thomas, Roman, Logan, and Remy sank out of Thomas’ apartment and reappeared in a hallway. Grimy wallpaper too faded to really see the pattern anymore was peeling off of the walls to reveal moldy plywood. The carpet underneath their feet was so grimy it was difficult to tell if the original color had been blue, green, or something else. Half of the tubular fluorescent lights overhead were burned out, and a handful of the lit ones were flickering in their own chaotic death throes. Dark stained wooden doors were sporadically spread along either side of the hallway. Most were shut, but the occasional one was wide open – in one case, missing completely – and the glimpses inside showed the room had been vacant for a while; pieces of furniture, books, and other broken things coated with dust.

“This is so creepy; it’s like a horror movie.” Muttered Thomas to no one in particular as he walked almost gingerly past another open door, peering in as he walked past. “Is this how the hallway is for your rooms, Roman? Logan?”

“No,” Roman replied, sword held out in front of him. Both hands clenched on the hilt. “Ours is much cleaner, and Logan changes any lightbulbs when they even start to go out.” And _we’re_ Light Sides, he wanted to add. We wouldn’t let our spaces get this nasty. But seeing as it was two Dark – Neutral – Sides who were helping them find and save Virgil, for once in his life Roman managed to hold his tongue. So instead he asked Remy and Lust, “What can you tell us about Rage and Apathy that we don’t already know?”

“Between the two, Rage will be the harder to subdue,” Remy replied when Lust hesitated. “Rage is always angry, but that’s rather obvious. Besides that… he does have a grudge against Virgil for leaving, for thinking he was better than the Dark Sides. His words, not mine!” he added quickly, his hands up, when Logan and Roman both turned towards him in anger.

“Rage… also lost a bet to me,” Lust added hesitantly. “He thought Deceit’s little dream-walking incidences would be enough to permanently severe Anxiety’s ties to the rest of you; I disagreed.” He continued walking, either ignoring or oblivious to the angry looks the two Light Sides shared.

Unluckily for him, neither Side had a rein on their temper.

Logan seized Lust and shoved him against the doorframe of an open, empty room. “So you all knew about all of this?!” he snarled. “You knew what Deceit was doing to us, and to Virgil, and you said nothing?! And you _bet_ on him?!”

Lust tried to shove Logan off. “ _After_ Virgil had started his attempt to Fade, yes. Deceit was gloating about it in the Commons.”

“And it didn’t occur to you to let us know?” Roman demanded, sword aimed and Lust’s throat.

Lust was not impressed; at least, that was the impression he was giving off. “Why would I do that? You had already had Thomas confront him; you knew he was behind it all.” He glanced over their shoulders at Remy. “A little help here, dear?”

Remy snorted, arms crossed over his chest. “I don’t think so.”

 “Uh, guys?” Thomas wrung his hands. “Can we please keep going? I’m… not feeling the greatest.”

Logan released Lust; Roman didn’t. The Logical Side turned around to face their Manifester, noting how pale he was, and his skin glistening in the partial light with sweat even though it was rather cool in the hallway. His eyes were slightly wider than they usually were, and he was chewing on his lower lip to the point it was starting to bleed.

“Roman, let Lust up.” Said Logan, turning to the Creative Side. “We need to find Virgil, sooner rather than later.”

Reluctantly, Roman released Lust’s collar and straightened, sheathing his sword. “We’re not finished,” he hissed, eyes glinting with barely suppressed rage. “not by a long shot!”

Lust straightened his clothing and walked back to the front of their group without another word, seeming for all the world to have been in control of the situation all the while.

Remy knew different; he had seen the panic in his ex-lover’s eyes when Logan and Roman had had him pinned. He knew Lust had seen not only their anger, but the root cause of their anger as well; it was one while on a different level, Remy shared:  Virgil mattered to them, be it as a friend, or lover, both, and more. And they were not leaving here without him, no matter what they had to do, whom they had to hurt – or worse.

How very Dark of the Light Sides.

Remy had to wonder what it was like to have someone like that in his life, willing to do whatever it took to save him.

Suddenly, Lust came to a halt at the front of their little group. “Alright,” he said. “Two more doors down on the left is Apathy’s room; that is where they and Rage have Virgil. I don’t know if any more Dark or Neutral Sides have joined them since I left.”

Logan stepped forward, his body tense. “Then. Go. Look,” he ground out, pointing down the hall. “We need to be aware of any combatants we may be facing that we don’t know about.”

“Um, quick question?” Thomas asked hesitantly. “I know sometimes each of your Rooms can affect others a certain way, like how Virgil’s room caused the rest of you to become anxious? What will Apathy’s do?” He didn’t want to delay their rescue of Virgil, but he also didn’t want to risk any of the Sides helping them getting corrupted and unable to help, or worse, permanently corrupting them.

“Well, if their room has any type of influence, I would assume that it would cause someone to become Apathic, or to not care about someone or something one way or another.” Said Logan, adjusting his glasses. His eyes darted over to Lust. “You were in there just recently. How did you feel Any different than how you usually feel?”

Lust shifted uncomfortably. “I’d like to tell you all that it doesn’t have an influence, but to be honest I’m not sure. I was… upset… about what they were doing to Anxiety, but I didn’t let them know, and I didn’t step forward to stop it.”

“You’re just a spineless, gutless chicken is what you are,” Roman sneered. “It wasn’t the room, it was _you_.” He paused, taking a step until he was inches away from the Lust Side. “Or are you lying? Did you lay a hand on our Virgil?”

“No!” spat Lust, shocked in spite of himself. “I’m not like that! I would never!”

Roman opened his mouth to retort but a scream from a room down the hall silenced him; Thomas and Remy had to grab ahold of Logan to keep him from charging down the hall.

“Let me go!” Logan hissed, struggling. “I have to get to him!”

Roman stepped in front of Logan. “Logan, Logan listen to me!” he waited until he had Logan had somewhat stilled in their arms, panting, and had his full attention before continuing, “We need a plan to save Virgil. As much as I would love to charge in there and get him back, if we don’t plan accordingly we may lose!”

Logan was shaking as Thomas and Remy slowly released him. “What,” he said slowly, “are you suggesting.”

Roman ran a hand through his hair, the seriousness of the situation keeping him from pointing out the irony or whatever of how he, of all people, was making _Logan_ of all people to wait and make a plan. “I’m… working on it.”

“Guys?” Thomas asked hesitantly. “Mind if I make a suggestion?” After everyone turned to look at him, he continued, “Couldn’t one of you, you know, shapeshift into Lust or even Deceit? Get a look at who is inside with them?”

Roman was starting to nod when Lust said, “And why should one of them shapeshift into me when I can just walk back in there?”

“Do you think you can keep your head and find a way to let us know who is in there without blowing this whole thing?” Thomas asked.

Lust took a deep breath, his eyes lighting on Remy, who was still furious with him. “Yes,” he said. “yes, I can. I will find a way. Actually…” he trailed off for a moment. “I already have an idea.”

OoOoO

Virgil wanted to ~~die~~ Fade. Gods, he wanted to. Anything to be away from here.

The pain of the lacerations, burns, and brands – Deceit had been sure to show him the brand he had fashioned into an ornate ‘D’ and then branded Virgil’s shoulder with it – all of the pain, all of the physical wounds mixing with words the trio were hissing in his ear, at how this was all his fault, at how he deserved what they were doing to him.

And then…

“By the way, sweetie,” Deceit murmured in his ear, “Did Apathy or Rage mention to you that we saved you?”

Virgil snorted, not even bothering to try and speak around the ballgag.

A gloveless hand and sharp nail trailed up his spine. “No, no. It’s true. Thomas’ mage friend used the last of their magic trying to bring the pair of you back. Their magic gave out before they brought either of you close enough to make it back to Consciousness. We saved you, Virgil. Logan, however… Logan wasn’t so lucky.”

Virgil felt his heart stop.

No.

No.

No. It had to be a lie. It was Deceit. Deceit was the epitome of lying. Of manipulating the smallest of truths to his benefit.

“You should’ve seen the bloody mess that was left! He fell all the way down the cliff and went splat!” Rage added gleefully. “There wasn’t a whole lot left! These kinda survived, though.” he shoved something into Virgil’s line of vision. “See?”

Black framed glasses. One of the lens’ had survived. The other was a spiderweb of cracks that by some odd twist hadn’t shattered.

There was dried blood on the frame and the glass.

No.

They had to be lying. They had to be.

But the pain in tightening in his chest, the fear roaring in his ears and mind wouldn’t be denied: he sobbed. Only once, but he did.

Behind him, Apathy snorted; Deceit outright laughed.

Rage chuckled darkly. Then he crushed the glasses in his hands, letting broken bits of glass and bloodied plastic frames rain down onto the carpet next to Virgil’s feet. “No great loss, if we’re being honest, right?”

The pain of their physical torture was rather distant after that.

If Deceit wasn’t there to keep control of Rage, he would have needled the Dark Side until he snapped and would knock him unconscious. But Deceit was there, so that was out.

He considered holding his breath until he passed out.

He considered finding a way to bite off his own tongue so he would bleed out.

He considered banging his head against the railing until he passed out.

He considered pushing himself back into one of the tools they were torturing him with; he could even hear Deceit sharpening a knife from the kitchen.

“Well, this is such a delight.” Deceit said snidely after Virgil barely jumped when he cut over the brand ‘D’ on the Anxious Side’s shoulder. “Perhaps… perhaps it is time to move to the next level.” He tossed aside the knife, sending it clattering down the hallway and stepped forward until he was pressed against Virgil’s body. “Do you remember what to do, hmm, Virgil? Do you remember how to be a good boy?”

Virgil could not help the flinch when the Dark Side’s hand slid around his side and started to mess with the button on his pants. “ ‘o, ‘lease, ‘o…”

“Oh, but why not, Anxiety? You always used to enjoy my ministrations.”

“”o I ‘idn’.” Virgil swallowed hard and struggled even though he knew it was pointless. A tear dripped down his cheek.

He should have made one of them stab him when he had had the chance.

“Oh, my gods, oh my gods, it’s right here, you lovable moron!” someone yelled, their voice slurring. “ Th’ party’s right here! C’mon! Oh!” Something clattered; probably the knife. “Theresa knife ona the ground! Car’fl!”

Somebody crashed into a wall, giggling.

“Ohh,” the same person was still speaking loudly. “Looka who joined th’ party! D-man! Deceit!”

"Deceit's here?" Someone else laughed. “An' since when does Apathy do parties?”

Deceit growled. “What the hell do you want, Lust?” he asked as he stepped away from Virgil, ignoring the Lust Side’s lover completely.

Lust waved a large bottle of mostly empty coconut rum, still leaning against the wall he had stumbled into. “Th’ _party_!” he stressed, giggling. his eyes wide and bloodshot. “we wanted to join th’ party!”

Apathy smirked, lighting another cigarette. “Well, would you look at that. Getting Lust drunk sure loosened his morals. Good to know.”

Remy stumbled over to where Virgil was hanging. “Niiice!” he crowed. “Lovely artwork! Then again, you were always such a tasty morsel, weren’t you, V?”

“Hey!” Deceit stepped forward. “Anxiety is _mine_ to take first: the rest of you can work out who gets to go next!”

 Remy cocked his head, tottering, and didn’t move. “How about… no.”

Deceit blinked. Since when, even when under the influence of alcohol, would another Side dare to disagree with him? “What did you just say?” he ground out. “Are you… disobeying me?”

“I believe Remy told you no.” Lust said, straightening and voice losing the drunken slur. “I know you’ve never been told it and had to listen before, but you will today.”

Deceit blinked again, mouth open in shock, left speechless.

When he blinked and opened his eyes again, Remy and Lust were no longer holding bottles of alcohol; Roman was standing next to Lust, his sword drawn, and Logan was standing with Remy, his eyes blazing in rage as he swung back and slammed his fist into Deceit’s jaw. “You stay the _fuck_ _away_ from Virgil!!”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is one of our longest chapters for this fic yet!
> 
> Trigger warnings: torture, language, reference to torture, non-con.

 

Deceit had _not_ been expecting Logan, of all the Light Sides, to throw a punch at him – at any of them. The Dark Side was knocked to his knees, wincing as he felt his lip split and start bleeding. “Logan,” he growled. “that was rather pathetic.”

Roman, sword drawn and pointing at the enemies, was standing between them and the door; Rage parallel to him. “You will give us back Virgil, right now!” he snarled, eyes flashing. “Move! Before I make you!”

“Oh, really?” Rage smirked. “And, pray tell, how are you going to do that? You’re a pathetic Light Side; you don’t have it in you!”

“You’d be surprised what we can do for someone we care about.”

Apathy sighed heavily, taking a long drag on a shrinking cigarette. “You said that they wouldn’t dare come here, Deceit. Now my place is overrun with _good_.” They shuddered. “I can’t stand good.”

Deceit got his feet back under him. “I said I didn’t think they would think to come here, not that I didn’t think they would dare to come here.” He pointed out. “There’s a rather big difference, you know.” He licked his lips. “You boys interrupted something we were enjoying, and we were just getting to the best part if you’d care to take a seat and watch.”

“ _No._ ” Snarled Logan, taking a step towards the Deceitful Side. “We are taking Virgil, _now_ , and we are leaving!”

Rage burst out laughing. “And how do you propose you do that? Do you really think you can take _us_ on? You practically broke your wrist punching Deceit, and do you really expect Lust and Sleep will be much good to you?”

“I have to say, Lust, I’m rather disappointed in you.” Deceit said, turning his attention almost lazily to the Neutral Side still standing with Roman. “Here I thought you were going to become one of us and grow your powers.”

“No.” Said Lust firmly. His eyes flickered to Remy briefly. “I’ll take friends and love over power any day.”

Deceit spread his arms wide. “Who says you can’t have that and join us? I’ll even let you keep your little _pet – ”_ he jerked his head towards Remy “ –especially if you share him with some of the others.”

“You fucking _bastard_!” Lust started to charge towards Deceit, but Roman grabbed his shoulder and yanked him back. “Don’t let him get to you!” the Creative Side hissed. “It’s what he wants!”

“Well, it seems like we’re at a stalemate,” Apathy commented in an almost bored tone, tapping the box of cigarettes against his palm and taking one out. “I suggest you start bartering and bring this to a close.”

“Fine,” Logan said, voice shaking with anger. “Give us Virgil, and we won’t lock you three up.”

The three Dark Sides laughed; Rage actually had to lean against the wall so he didn’t fall over he was laughing so hard.

“And how do you think you can lock us up?” Deceit asked between laughs. “Nothing you have can hold us!”

Roman stepped forward. “I wouldn’t bet on it!” _Where the hells is Thomas?_ He thought, starting to worry that another Dark Side may have been in play that none of them had known about and had somehow overpowered Thomas in the hallway.

“Ohh, I’m so scared!” Rage said mockingly, holding his hands up in faux surrender. “What _ever_ will we do?”

Before any of them realized he was moving the Dark Side charged Roman, getting too close for him to use his sword. The two of them struggled, leaving dents in the plaster of the hallway as they crashed from one side to the other.

Getting out of the way, Lust joined Remy and Logan in staring down Deceit and Apathy, creating a three Sided ring in front of the unmoving, hanging form of Virgil. Lust could see Logan practically vibrating in his desire to go to Virgil, but the Logical Side was hanging on – barely – to the common sense of not turning his back on an enemy.

“Do the three of you really think you can take the two of us?” Deceit asked, smirking. “Outside of Morality and Anxiety, you three are the wimpiest, most _pathetic_ Sides I have ever met, even outside of Thomas’ Sides.”

Logan bit his tongue, barely holding back the question of wondering how Deceit had ever met another Manifester’s Sides; the four of them had each met a few of Talyn and Joan’s Sides, but Deceit hadn’t been there.

…had he?

Look what had happened in the most recent video…

Gods damn it. Damn all Dark Sides to hell.

They really needed some code words to verify that they were actually who they said they were. Add that to the growing ‘To Do’ list, right after ‘Save Virgil’, ‘Punch Deceit’, and ‘Make the Dark Sides Pay’.

Gods, Virgil…

Logan once again had to fight back the desire to turn his attention onto Virgil, cut him down and take him back to _their_ commons, tend to his wounds, and reassure both them that things were going to be ok.

And never, ever let his love out of his sight.

But he couldn’t do that, not yet; the enemy – enemies – were still here, a very real threat to all of them, including Virgil. He risked a glance at Roman and Rage; their fight was fairly evenly matched, but Rage appeared to slowly be getting the upper hand as he was slowly forcing Roman’s sword towards one of the Creative Side’s legs.

“Apathy,” Deceit said, nodding his head towards Remy. “fetch.”

Apathy smirked, cigarette hanging out the corner of their mouth. “Gladly.” They snapped their fingers, and Remy disappeared.

“ _No!_ ” Lust cried out, whirling to look at the spot where Remy had just been standing. Then he turned on Apathy and Deceit. “Where is he?!” he shouted. “Where is Remy?!”

“Why, he’s right here,” they motioned to the empty air in front of them. They reached forward and grabbed something; someone cried out.

“Remy?!” Lust screamed. “Where are you?!”

Apathy leaned forwards. “Sorry to break it to you, but your precious little fuck-toy can’t speak to you right now,” they hissed, eyes snapping. “Now, you three get out, leave the whore where he is, and I’ll return this little shit shortly.” They shook what they was still holding.

Logan grabbed Lust’s arms, holding the other Side back. “We don’t know if it is really Remy,” he said hurriedly. “This is Apathy’s room; for all we know, it could be another Side or something he just created out of thin air!”

“Oh, for the love of – ” Apathy rolled their eyes and snapped their fingers. Remy appeared in the empty air, his hair in Apathy’s grasp. The Dark Side took the cigarette and held the glowing end less than an inch away from the Sleep Side’s throat. “Leave, now.”

“Don’t do it!” Remy pleaded, his eyes fixed on Lust. “Please! Remember what I said earlier!”

Lust dearly wanted to run to his love’s side… but Logan still had a hold of him… and the Logical Side did have a point. “Remy, love…” he hesitated. “Where did you take me on our first date?”

“We went on a walk through my gardens,” Remy replied. “and we watched the sunset.”

“ _Enough.”_ Deceit hissed. “Either you leave, or you won’t ever get either of them back.” He looked from one Side to another, including Roman, where Rage had him pinned to the wall a few feet away from Virgil. “Choose quickly!”

“No! Remy shouted. “Charge them! We need to get all of us out of here!” he started to say more, but Apathy shook him, and the only other thing which passed his lips was a pained cry.

“I… can’t,” Logan said, his voice shaking. “I can’t leave Virgil.” He took a deep, steadying breath. “What if I take his place? Let them leave with Virgil and Remy, and you can keep me?”

“Logan, no!” Roman shouted, struggling again Rage with renewed energy. “Don’t!”

Logan ignored him, eyes fixed on Deceit, who was staring at him in surprise. “You would trade places with _that,” –_  he pointed at Virgil – “and take his place?” his yellow snake eye dilated in surprise… and excitement. “You would do that?”

Logan swallowed hard. For his Virgil, he would do anything. “Yes.”

Apathy was grinning as they trailed a sharp, pointed nail down Remy’s throat. “And here I thought having these two was going to be fun. Breaking you, however, would outshine that.”

Deceit stepped forward, hand extended. “It’s a deal.”

**_ “Freeze.” _ **

None of them could move.

Thomas entered the room, followed by a humanoid form with black skin… and midnight blue scales around his eyes and on his neck and trailing down his bare arms; his eyes are icy pale, and his nails were black.

A Dragon-witch.

“Thomas,” Roman rasped. “B-behind you.”

Thomas smiled at Roman reassuringly. “I know; he’s with me.” He turned his attention to Rage, who if looks could kill, Thomas would’ve been dead. “ ** _Step away, kneel, and do not move again._** ”

Rage stumbled back jerkily, like a marionette in a beginner’s hands. “Fuck you!” he hissed, dropping to his knees even as he tried to remain standing.

Thomas ignored him, take a few steps further into the room. “Logan, back away from Deceit; what were you doing?”

Logan dropped his hand, but didn’t step back; he hadn’t been given an order. “Deceit said he would take me in place of Virgil and Remy,” he explained, hoping the Manifester would understand. “You have to let me do this.”

Thomas shook his head. “No, I don’t.” He looked at Remy. “ ** _Apathy, release Remy. Do not move again until I tell you. Remy, you can get up._** ”

Apathy’s hand slowly unclenched from Remy’s hair, taking a few strands of hair with them; Remy hurriedly got to his feet. “Thank you, Thomas.” He looked at Lust. “Can he move, too?”

“Oh! Yeah, of course. Lust, you can move.” Thomas motioned to the Neutral Side.

Lust’s first move was to cup Remy’s face gently, smiling. “Oh, Remy,” he said, voice breaking. “I’m glad you’re ok.”

His second move was to slap Deceit, sending the Dark Side’s precious bowler hat flying across the living room to collide with the blinds.

Remy had loop his arms around Lust’s waist to keep him from striking the Dark Side again. “Stop, stop! Love, he’s not worth it.” He murmured in the other Side’s ears.

“None of them are worth it.” The dragon-witch stated, eyeing each Dark Side in turn, his head cocked to one side before turning to Thomas. “Yes, I can more than keep them locked up. You still have the pendants your Mage friend gave you?”

“Yeah, hang on.” Thomas dug in his pants pocket and pulled out the five necklaces and handed them to the dragon-witch.

“Impressive,” he murmured, examining each in turn, his head tilted again, the light flashing off of his scales. “Very powerful, for one so young. Please pass on my appreciation to them, and that I hope to meet them and their friend sometime soon.”

He approached Rage first, clicking his tongue – which was forked – and slipped one of the pendants over the Dark Side’s head.

The result was instantaneous. Rage’s eyes went from utterly shining with, well, rage, to blank and glassy.

“That, is so, so cool,” Roman said in awe, crouching down to get a closer look.

“You think a few stones and a dragon-witch can keep us from returning?” Deceit asked mockingly. “You are stupider than I thought, Thomas.” He moved his eyes to Logan. “Do not think I won’t exact my vengeance,” he hissed, eyes flickering to Virgil. “He still has a lot of blank skin left for me to play with. And if that gets boring, then I can always f – ”

“ ** _Silence, Deceit._** ” Ordered Thomas, voice hard. “Unless you have something to say that is one hundred percent nice and honest and kind, do not speak again!”

Deceit opened his mouth, lips curled in a cruel twist, but all that came out was a strangled noise.

“About time you shut him up,” Remy commented, still watching Apathy and Deceit warily. “Can we chain these two up, please?”

“I’m working on it, little one.” Chided the dragon-witch, staring down at Apathy. “I’m gauging how much of a collar each of them needs before moving forward.”

Thomas turned to Logan and Remy. “We’ve got this,” he said. “Get Virgil down.”

Logan and Remy didn’t need to be told twice. The Sleep Side grabbed the knife off the floor that had been kicked back into the living room by either Roman or Rage during their scuffle while Logan crouched down to wrap his arms below Virgil’s waist and lift him up.

Remy and the knife made short work of the zip-ties holding Virgil to the staircase railing, dropping it to the floor as he tore down the stairs and helped Logan ease the Anxious Side to the floor.

Logan had caught glimpses of the mess of Virgil’s back – the cuts, burns, and the ugly branded ‘D’ that and cuts along the center of the burn wounds. He bit back bile as Remy helped him gently ease the motionless Side onto his back.

Virgil’s eyes were half open, staring blankly ahead, tear tracks mixing and drying with blood and saliva. Logan hurriedly found the buckle for the ball gag and removed it, throwing it and Deceit and missing.

“Virgil, please, look at me,” Logan whispered, using his sleeve to try and wipe away the blood, saliva, and tears on his face, avoiding the lacerations and split lip.

Remy reappeared, carrying an entire roll of paper towels drenched in cold water; something crunched under his feet. Confused, the Sleep Side lifted his foot.

Uh, oh.

“Um, Logan?” he said hesitantly. “Aren’t those your glasses?”

Logan tore his gaze away from Virgil’s pale face to look at what Remy was pointing at.

Snapped black frames and shattered glass.

Logan was on his feet and seizing Deceit’s lapels before anyone noticed him moving. “What did you do?!” he shouted. “What did you tell him?!”

Deceit smirked. “ _I_ didn’t tell him anything.”

“Liar!”

Logan’s fist snapped Deceit’s head to the side, but he didn’t fall this time – thanks to Thomas’ order.

“What did you tell him?!”

“Nothing.”

**_ “Logan, stop.” _ **

Logan froze in mid-strike; his eyes flickered to the side, glaring at Thomas. “Let me go,” he demanded. “Let me go!”

Thomas held up his hands in an attempt to calm the Logical Side down. “Just… hold up for a second, ok?” He turned his attention Apathy, who was slowly shrinking under the dragon-witch’s gaze, the stone pendant’s power taking over. “ ** _Was it you who said something to Virgil about Logan?”_**

Apathy shook their head. “No,” they said, their voice flat. “It was – ”

“It was me!”

Rage was half standing, half leaning on the wall, fighting the effects of the pendant. His chest was heaving as he shouted, “I told him your Mage’s magic gave out before they got the two of them to the top of the cliff; I told him that it was _us_ who saved him from falling to his death! And then I told him that Logan hadn’t been so lucky.”

Roman beat the other Sides to Rage, seizing the Dark Side by his throat and slamming him into the wall. “Why?!” he hissed, face inches from the other Side’s. “Why would you do that to him?!”

Rage cackled, a line of blood running down his chin. “Because it was _fun.”_

With a cry, Roman moved his blade up towards Rage’s chest.

“Don’t.”

The dragon-witch paused the enraged Creative Side with a hand on his shoulder. “Killing someone, even someone like him will weigh on your soul.”

Roman hesitated, looking from the dragon-witch to Virgil’s still body, where Logan was crouched over him, brushing his hair away from his forehead and planting a kiss on the skin there. “But he deserves it,” he insisted, turning his attention back to the dragon-witch, slightly unnerved that he was a having a conversation with one of these beasts – let alone the fact this one was helping them.

The dragon-witch nodded. “He does,” he acknowledged. “But to me, he deserves so much more than forced Fading.”

Rage started to struggle; Roman yanked him forward and slammed him into the wall again without looking away from the dragon-witch. “What do you want to do with him?” he asked the beast.

The dragon-witch held up another pendant. “A second pendant should be more than enough to restrain him until I can cage the three of them in my realm – which is a part of yours. Trust me, if the caves can hold other dragon-witches, they can hold three Dark Sides.”

Roman grit his teeth together. He desperately wanted justice for his friends, and _he_ wanted to be the one to dish it out, to punish the cruelty he had glimpsed on Virgil, what he had heard while he had been fighting off Rage, what they had threatened against Virgil and Remy…

What Logan had _offered_ _himself_ _up_ as a sacrifice for.

But, the dragon-witch was right.

The three of them deserved far more than a forced Fading.

Roman slammed the Dark Side against the wall one last time. “He’s all yours,” he said to the dragon-witch, removing his hand from the other Side’s throat; it was instantly replaced by the scaled-human skin one of the dragon-witch.

“With pleasure,” he hissed, seeming to enjoy the fearful squeak Rage let slip.

Roman left the dragon-witch to force the second pendant of Talyn’s over his head; as the Creative Side stalked over to Deceit he heard a body hit the floor behind him, and couldn’t help the smirk that graced his lips.

He tried not to think of how Dark it was of him to enjoy the pain and fear of the Dark Sides, justifying that they deserved it, and more.

Which, to be fair, they did. And more.

Thomas and Deceit were in a staring contest; Lust was standing there as backup, though he kept glancing down at his love – ex?-love? – and Virgil and Logan before clenching his jaw and returning his glare to Deceit. Roman stood at the Thomas’ other side, effectively blocking Virgil from the Dark Side’s sight.

While he couldn’t move, Deceit could still talk.

“Aww, look at you three, trying to shield your little Anxious pet. Like that’s going to change _anything,_ ” he spat, eyes glittering with rage and hate. “I’ve broken him before, as I did again. Do you really think you Light Sides can put him back together? Just as all the king’s horses and all the king’s men failed Humpty Dumpty, so will you fail with Anxiety!”

“I think you underestimate Logan and the rest of us,” Roman growled. “Not to mention you’re underestimating how strong Virgil himself is. He is far stronger than you and your asshole friends give him credit. He survived you once; he will again! And how are you talking?”

Deceit laughed darkly. “I guess we’ll see, won’t we, who’s right in the end? Virgil, or all of the years he spent with me.” His attention changed to Lust. “And don’t think I’ll let go _or_ forget your betrayal, Lust. You will be sorry for betraying me.” He paused. “Well, Remy will. Perhaps you’ll have found a new plaything. I noticed the discord between the two of you. Perhaps you won’t give two shits about him when I break his mind.”

Lust surged forwards, latching his hands around Deceit’s throat and tightening.

Even gasping for air Deceit was laughing. “I *wheeze* knew it *wheeze*.” He coughed. “Remy will pay for *wheeze* your betrayal.”

“ ** _Deceit, be silent. Lust, let him go._** ”

Deceit finally shut up.

Lust, on the other hand, managed to partially resist the Order; his grip let up, but his hands remained tightly around Deceit’s neck. “He threatened Remy!”

Thomas put a hand on Lust’s shoulder. “I know, but the dragon-witch is going to take him and the others and put them somewhere they will not be able to hurt anyone else for a very long time.” _Hopefully forever,_ Thomas wanted to add but didn’t want to give any of the non-Dark Sides hope. “Let them rot in a cell.”

Lust felt a hand on his opposite arm; Remy.

“Sweetie, let him go. He’s not worth it.” Remy whispered.

“He threatened you!” Lust insisted. “I can’t let him hurt you! If he – they – get out, I won’t be able to fight them off!”

“But together, we can,” Roman said with a half smile. “You may be Neutrals, but you are more than welcome to create rooms for yourselves in our Commons.”

Thomas turned his attention back to Deceit. “I Ordered you to be silent unless you could be honest and kind,” he said, “all of that was _far_ from nice!”

Deceit smirked. “Let’s just say… you aren’t as strong as you think you are.”

“We’ll see about that,” Thomas retorted as the dragon-witch came over to Deceit. “By the time you are released from your prison, I will be far stronger than you ever could imagine being!”

Deceit’s glare promised hell to pay as the dragon-witch slipped the last two of Talyn’s pendants around his neck along with a vial of what looked like large grain sea salt. Even as the rage faded to blank in his eyes, he still gave the impression of being in control of the situation, a promise that, one day, he would have his revenge.

OoOoO

Logan ignored everything going on behind him, knowing the Light and Neutral Sides, along with Thomas – and a dragon-witch?! – would keep everything under control. He focused on Virgil, doing his best to clean all of the new wounds he could reach on the Anxious Side’s face, neck, and torso.

“You wouldn’t believe how afraid I was, when I woke up and you weren’t there beside me,” he said in a soft voice, wiping away the bleeding cut on one of Virgil’s wrists from the zip ties. “I… never even knew anyone could feel that… distraught… let alone me, and survive. I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out, burning hot and freezing cold at the same time.” Logan sniffed, wiping away the tears on his cheek with an aggravated swipe. “I was going to do whatever it took to find you. And if I couldn’t… I didn’t know what I would do.”

There was a scuffle to his right, from the sound of it Rage was fighting the pendant, but Roman was taking care of it.

“I never really understood how Roman and Patton could be so… mushy… about each other, and their relationship. It was like living on a set of some goofy rom-com, twenty-four seven. It drove me nuts sometimes. It was…” he tried to find the right words. “It was why I enjoyed spending time with you. You enjoyed the peace and quiet, you didn’t feel the need to be loud and obnoxious. We could have actual conversations and discussions, even debates. Even when we were each doing our own thing… I found it was nicer to have someone else there with me instead of sequestering myself in the silence of my room. Even you giggling as you were reading was cute, and occasionally you would show me something funny on that Tumbling website.”

In fact, some of the ‘memes’ that Virgil had shown him had brought on debates themselves, like whether or not Nagini was, in fact, a trapped Animagi or just a very powerful familiar, or if there were such things as a god or gods, what creatures had been made when they were high, such as the platypus, or the jellyfish.

“I tried to convince myself that it was just friendship – after all, I’m the Logical Side, aren’t I? I don’t have emotions.” He chewed on his lip. “But, eventually, I couldn’t deny that I felt something for you, more than my affection for Thomas, Patton, and Roman. But I didn’t think you would ever feel the same for me… at least until Patton got exasperated with me and told me to ask you out; thankfully he had the sense to not say it in front of Roman. I shudder to think what shenanigans he would have gotten up to had he known that.”

Every time Virgil’s eyes slowly blinked, Logan held his breath, hoping that it was now, this time, that his love was waking up.

But each time Virgil just continued to stare blankly up at the ceiling.

“I… I need you to come back to me, V.” Logan whispered, cupping Virgil cheeks, crouched over the other Side’s unmoving body to look him in the eyes. “I need you back. It’s safe, I promise. I’m right here, waiting for you.” He placed a gentle kiss on Virgil’s forehead, leaning down until they were forehead to forehead, his eyes shut. “I love you, Virgil. Please… please come home to me… please…”

A soft sob escaped Logan throat as he curled his body around Virgil’s his nose tucked against each other, so close he could feel the slow, unsteady breaths slipped between Virgil’s lips against his own.

He didn’t want to move.

But then…

“…L-Logan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There! they saved him ^^


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late. Between work and the my wife being sick haven't had time. Thank you all for your patience!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: physical and verbal abuse, attempted emotional abuse/manipulation, language, mention of past non-con and abuse, reference/encouragement to suicide/Fading

 

“L-Logan?”

The shaking voice was rough from screaming and very weak.

Logan shot upright and looked down at the Anxious Side in his arms. “Virgil?” he breathed, his own voice barely above a whisper. “V?”

Virgil blinked up at him, blood staining the sclera of one eye and undoubted skewing his vision. Then he seemed to realize who was above him, and remember exactly where he was, and what had been happening. His eyes widened in panic and he shoved the Logical Side away from him, crawling like a crab away from Logan, fumbling on the first few stairs until he was, ironically, where he usually stood during the Sanders Sides videos.

“Virgil – ”

“Stay away from me!” the plea was broken with a sob. “ _Why?!_ Why are you doing this to me?!”

Logan stood slowly, hands held palm out in front of him. “Virgil, it’s me, I promise.” Just as slowly, he knelt on the floor in front of the stairs. “Talyn pulled me to safety.”

“No.” Virgil shook his head violently, arms wrapped around his bare, bleeding chest, his nails digging into his skin to the point they themselves were about to draw more blood. “Do whatever the Hells you want to me, but at least wear your own face!”

Remy nudged Logan’s shoulder. In his hand he held the broken glasses frame they had found on the floor earlier. Logan took them and showed them to Virgil. “Virgil, is this what Deceit and Rage showed you?”

Virgil was pushing himself as hard against the wall as he could, his body wound tight. He glanced at Logan’s hand through a curtain of hair. “Yes, you showed those to me earlier, and you told me what happened. What’s your point?”

Logan set them aside and took his own pair off. “These are mine, the whole ones, not the broken ones.” He put them back on his face so he could see Virgil clearly. “They were lying to you, Verge.”

“No,” muttered Virgil. “no, no, no, no. You’ve done this to me before, back then; I remember it. I won’t fall for it again. I won’t!” his eyes slid closed, and a tear ran a wet trail down his cheek. “Just fuck me and get it over with, Deceit. I know that’s what you were going to do next.”

There was a minor scuffle behind Logan; Roman moved to draw his sword as he stepped towards the kneeling and now-silent Deceit but Lust and Thomas stopped him. Lust also had to seize hold of Remy when he went to step around the three of them and smack Deceit with Apathy’s large glass ashtray.

Virgil somehow managed to curl in on himself even tighter, startled by their commotion, eyes squeezed shut. “Just do it,” he whispered. “Just stop this, please. I’m… I’m begging you.”

Logan’s mind scrambled for something only the two of them shared. “Virgil, do you remember our conversation from eight nights ago? We were attempting to compile a list of all the dual-use words, such as read and read, and right and right?” He paused. “Do you remember that?”

Virgil peered at him over the forearm he had shielding he head and didn’t say anything.

Logan took this as a good thing and continued, “We did it over hot chocolate, and you gave yourself a sugar high from eating too many marshmallows. You were so jittery, and you laughed at every single new addition to the list. You even tried to make a sentence using them all.”

“How do you know about that?” Virgil whispered.

“Because I was there, with you, V.” Replied Logan. “I am me.”

“What did you do to him?” the demand was surprisingly harsh.

Logan cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“Were you shape-shifted, or were you forcing him to dream-walk?” Virgil demanded.

Logan opened his mouth to ask for clarification, but then he understood. “I _am_ Logan, Virgil. I was there that night as me. As Logan.”

Virgil snorted. “Yeah, and Patton was there as himself for the full recording of Thomas’ last video.”

“Ok,” Logan started. “Something more recent. When – ”

“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” Virgil cried, slamming his head into the wall and denting the plaster. “Just stop!”

Logan crawled up the stairs and put his hand between the wall and Virgil’s head, wincing as the plaster cut the back of his hand when Virgil slammed his head towards the wall again. He took advantage of the moment Virgil hesitated, wondering why he hadn’t hit the wall again to cup Virgil’s face in his hands. The Anxious Side tried to struggle, but with everything he had been through in the past twelve or so hours he couldn’t have fought off a feather.

“Virgil, remember our conversation in the white forest portion of your Dream Forest?” Logan kept his voice soft, tone almost pleading. “I found you _dead_ there. You were bleeding, and cold, and your heart,” his voice broke. “your h-heart wasn’t beating, V. I couldn’t – there was nothing I could do that time to bring you back.” Logan ignored the tears on his cheeks. “I didn’t… I felt so lost.”

And alone, and broken, and distraught…

Virgil stopped struggling, his body going rigid. “H-how…”

Logan continued, “Turns out your Inner Child took over when they realized you meant to finish Fading there. They kept you tucked inside, and then they led me to you with a song, ‘Last Breath’ by Evanescence.” Taking advantage of Virgil’s stillness, Logan brushed a strand of blood-matted hair away from Virgil’s face, letting his other hand drift to his side. “They talked to me, explained what they’d done to keep you from Fading. I begged them to let me talk to you, to convince you to come back with me. They did, after a moment. You thought I was a hallucination.”

Virgil backed away; Logan let him. “I remember,” he said hoarsely.

Taking that as a positive sign, Logan went on. “I asked for your side of the events prior to your attempted Fading. I apologized for jumping to conclusions; I told you I was wrong for doing so.” He continued telling the rest slowly, giving Virgil the opportunity to stop him if he wanted. “You told me some of your history with Deceit, how he would hurt you, not just as himself, but he’d also appear as me, or Roman, or Patton to try and get you to not want to join us.” _And more,_ Logan wanted to add, but that had been from Remy, not Virgil. If Virgil didn’t want them to know about the extent of Deceit’s cruelty, then he wasn’t about to tell the Anxious Side he knew how things had been far worse.

Virgil was watching him warily, not really seeming to realize Thomas, Roman, Remy, and Lust – along with a dragon-witch and three subdued Dark Sides – were also in the room.

“I begged you to come home with me,” said Logan. “I pleaded. You didn’t believe me. You told me you knew Thomas could still function with you Faded, that you had done your research. You tried to walk away. I grabbed you and wouldn’t let you walk away. I told you I was angry about what had been done to you, and I was willing to help you through everything. I told you that I loved you.”

Predictably, Virgil flinched.

“And then… and then you had a panic attack.” Logan continued, wincing at the memory. “It took a while for you to come out of it. As you came out of it, you asked how I was able to be in your Subconscious, and I told you about Talyn being a Mage. Then you asked what had happened to us, how we knew something was wrong.”

“Nightmares,” Virgil said softly, eyes still flickering from Logan’s face and the floor.

Logan nodded. “Yes. I told you how Roman, Patton and myself realized our nightmares were far more than just that, and we went to Thomas with our concerns. I told you how he Summoned Deceit and Ordered him to admit what he had done. I told you how Roman and I found you, that I had taken you back to my room and… and sewed up your wounds. Thomas called Joan and Talyn for help.”

Logan could see the hope, faint though it was, in Virgil’s eyes. “And then what?” he asked softly.

Logan held a hand out to Virgil. “And then I kissed you,” he murmured. “And you kissed me back. Sometime while we were kissing, you returned to your normal height.”

Virgil hesitantly took Logan’s hand. “Logan?” he whispered, voice pleading. “It’s… it’s you?”

Logan placed his other hand on top of Virgil’s, sandwiching the ice-cold, tacky-with-blood hand there. “Yes, it’s me.”

“No! Don’t trust him! Don’t trust _any_ of them!”

Logan spun on his knee and was met…

With himself.

Deceit had morphed himself into a Logan, tie askew, collar ripped, and tears on his face. Whom he guessed was Apathy had managed to remove their own pendant and then the two on Deceit looked like a gagged Roman, eyes wide and wild. Rage, Thomas, and the dragon-witch were nowhere to be seen. Lust and Remy were unconscious on the floor.

Faux-Logan caught and held Virgil’s gaze. “Don’t trust them!” he begged. “We came here to save you and they jumped us! _I_ am the real Logan! Please, it’s me! Remember all of our late-nights reading together? Our debates about the oddest things? _Please,_ V!”

Real Logan turned back to Virgil, who looked like his world was falling apart. “Virgil, it’s me, not him. Don’t fall for Deceit’s lies.”

“Verge! Run!” Faux Logan shouted, catching Logan’s attention again, was struggling with his bound hands. “Please! Get Thomas! Get him down here so he can Order them to release us!” He looked around wildly. “I don’t know where Rage and Apathy went, but they’ll be back soon! Run! Now!”

“No.”

Real Logan swore, cursing himself for taking his eyes off of Virgil, who had found the knife Remy had dropped on the stairs after cutting through the zip ties holding Virgil to the railing. The Anxious Side was currently holding the blade out in front of himself, tears streaming down his face. “All of you stay away… stay away from me!”

“Virgil,” real Logan said slowly. “Give me the knife.” He held out his hand.

“Stab him!” Faux Logan called. “Stab him!”

Virgil and moved himself up a few steps, his chest heaving with the start of a panic attack. “I c-can’t do this,” he whispered, seemingly to himself, his eyes drifting down the stare at the blade of the knife. “I can’t do this anymore... it hurts so much…”

In an instant, Virgil turned his grip on the knife, point to his chest, and thrust forward.

“NO!” Real Logan screamed and leaped towards Virgil, grabbing the knife by the blade and pulling Virgil’s grip away from his chest. The blade bit into his palm and fingers, blood immediately started dripping onto the carpet and Virgil’s pants.

Virgil tried to fight him off, shoving at him with his free hand, even trying to weakly kick at him, but Logan held on through it all, pushing the pain in his hand down with the panic blossoming in his chest at the thought of what could – would – happen if he let go.

“Virgil, please! Look at me!” Logan begged, ignoring the screaming faux him. “Please.”

Virgil resisted his attempts to get the knife but did finally meet his eyes. “Let go,” he pleaded.

Taking a chance Logan let one hand go and gently placed it on the word ‘goodbye’ carved into the Anxious Side’s chest, leaving smears of his own blood on the skin. “You were so cold,” he murmured. “I couldn’t even see you under the water, it was so distorted by your blood. The temperature of the water had slowed the bleeding, eventually.” He looked up and met Virgil’s gaze. “I… panicked. Roman had to force me to focus – after he was done vomiting – and we got you out. You were almost as cold as you were when I found you in the Memory Forest.”

“You should have just left me there,” Virgil said, his voice breaking. “Why didn’t you?” He shook his head in confusion. “I should’ve done this a long time ago.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Virgil.” Logan tried to force the knife away from Virgil’s chest, but it wouldn’t budge. He met Virgil’s terrified, pleading, and hopeless gaze with his own, willing the man he loved to understand, to see.

To believe.

“I’m so, so grateful you never Faded. If you had… I would never have known you, let alone gotten to know you, and the wonderful, loving, unique person you are. You make me laugh. You… you’ve made me have feelings. At first, I was furious at you; I’m _logic_ , I’m not supposed to have feelings.” Logan smiled, thumb rubbing small circles on Virgil’s hand. “But then… once I let my anger go, I realized that I enjoyed spending time with you, even if it was in silence. One time, you fell asleep, with your head on my shoulder. It was then that I first realized how much I liked you, and it scared me, because I had never felt anything like that before. The more time we spent together, the stronger these emotions grew. And I never, ever want them to stop.”

A tear fell from Virgil’s eye; Logan wiped it away.

“What a _lovely_ little tale, Logic. I’m _so_ moved.”

Deceit looked like himself again; the dragon-witch had a scaled hand on his shoulder, nails digging into the cloth of his ridiculous cape. Apathy was unconscious, sprawled on the floor next to him, also liking like themself again with Roman standing guard to the side, hand on his sword hilt. Lust was helping Remy sit up, who was clutching his head in pain.

Deceit’s gaze went from Logan to Virgil. “You’re just delaying the inevitable, Anxiety. How long until someone of Logan’s caliber grows weary of ordinary old you, with your anxiety attacks, conclusion-jumping, and insomnia? Outside of a fuck-toy, you’re useless to have around. I should know since it’s the only reason I didn’t let you off yourself when you were mine.”

Roman backhanded the Dark Side; Logan would have tried to beat him to it, but he didn’t dare let go of his grip on the knife, afraid that given what Deceit had just said Virgil would harm himself, or worse, wound himself so deeply he would Fade beyond their reach.

Deceit sneered up at Roman, wiping away the blood from his split lip on the back of his gloved hand. “Surely you can do better, Roman.”

“Don’t tempt me,” hissed Roman. He glanced at Logan. “Sorry, Logan. I was helping move Rage. We shouldn’t have left you guys alone with just the pendants binding them.”

Logan didn’t answer, turning back to Virgil; the Anxious Side’s eyes were going glassy as he entered a stage of panic Logan had seen twice before, and it hadn’t ended well. “Virgil, please, _please_ look at me.”

“Don’t bother, Anxiety.” Deceit spat. “Just put that blade where it’s supposed to be. If you listen to me, you’ll be grateful. I’m saving you all the future heartache of when Logan tells you he doesn’t want to deal with you anymore.”

“No, no!” Logan moved until he was blocking Deceit from Virgil’s gaze. “No. Deceit will say whatever he has to to put you in more pain, V. If I wasn’t sure, positive, about how I felt about you, don’t you think I would have found other reasons to tell you to come back? Does that sound like me?”

Virgil was still there, barely. Slowly, as if he drugged, he shook his head. “No,” he said quietly, his voice slurred. His arms were shaking from still holding the knife’s blade towards his chest, but he still resisted Logan’s attempts to take it from him.

Logan continued. “Virgil, I meant every single word I said to you in the Forest; all of it. Please, come home with me, Virgil. Come home _to_ me.” He reached up and cupped his cheek. “I love you, Virgil.”

Virgil let up a sob, turning his head into Logan’s hand. “’m sorry,” he murmured, voice breaking. “I’m so sorry, Logan.”

Finally, _finally_ , he let Logan take the knife from him.

“What are you doing?!” Deceit spat. “Anxiety, believe me, sooner rather than later you will be wishing you had listened to me here and now and plunged that blade into your chest! And when that moment happens I will be right there to tell you ‘I told you so’! Hells, you’ll probably come crawling back to me and beg me to take you back as mine!”

“Will someone shut him up?!” Logan shouted, gathering a shaking Virgil into his arms.

“Gladly,” the dragon-witch said before placing a hand on the Dark Side’s bowler-less head, green fog leaking out and tumbling down around his face.

“Remember what I said, Anxiety!” Deceit was screaming now, spit flying from his mouth. “You will rue the day you didn’t listen to me! From leaving me all those years ago to now! You will regret it! You will wish you’d stayed my f – ”

He dropped like a stone, collapsing into a graceless heap on the floor.

Logan shot the dragon-witch a grateful look, mouthing ‘thank you’ over Virgil’s shoulder.

The dragon-witch nodded, eyes looking worriedly at the shaking Virgil before waving his hand to send more magic to levitate Apathy and Deceit off of the floor. “I’d better go lock these two pieces of excrement up with their cohort. I’ll swing by and check on the rest of you later, shall I?”

Roman watched him go before cautiously approaching the stairs. “Logan?” he said quietly. “Is Verge…” he didn’t know how to ask, because it was rather obvious that the Anxious Side was _not_ ok.

“Virgil?” Logan asked. “Can you hear me?”

Virgil nodded into Logan’s shoulder, fingers gripping tightly to Logan’s shirt. “This… this _is_ you, right?”

“Yes,” Logan shifted so he could look at Virgil. “May I kiss you?”

The Anxious Side hesitated for a moment before nodding wordlessly.

Logan pressed his lips chastely to Virgil’s split and bleeding own, gently and lovingly, wishing there was a way to let the other Side feel just home much he loved him.

When Logan broke the kiss, he pressed another to his damp forehead, hand cupping Virgil’s cheek. “Are you ready to go home?” he murmured. “I won’t leave your side, I promise.”

“Neither will I, V.” Roman added, trying to ignore how Virgil stiffened in unease – or fear – when he spoke; he tried to not let it bother him, remembering his ‘dream’ all too well. “I won’t let anything happen to either of you.”

Virgil took in a shaking breathing. “Yes,” he murmured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasps* OMG! it's almost done!

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? In the end it'll all make sense I promise!


End file.
